Entering the Danger Zone

Holaaaaaaaaaa! Well, as Matt-Man mentioned yesterday, my Nana Creta passed away on Tuesday. She was 95 years old and lived a long and wonderful life. Sure, there were some hard times growing up in rural Arkansas, but she persevered and always made the best of it. She was born in Maumee, Arkansas in 1918 and grew up around St. Joe and then lived seventy-plus years in Yellville. She will be missed so very much.

Of course, this means I’ll be heading into the Danger Zone on Friday. That’s the day of the funeral and I’ll have to be on my best behavior. Anytime I have to attend a formal function like a funeral I have to remember that social disaster lurks around every corner. I have the potential to say something stupid at any moment. It’s gonna be an Afternoon of Awkward people!

Plus, I have to wear a suit. Hell, I had even forgotten that I owned a suit until I looked in my closet to see what I had and what I might have to go get for the funeral. It’s a pretty decent suit and it all matches which is a huge plus right there. I’ll just have to try to stop myself from fidgeting around and messing with my tie the whole time. It’s pretty bad when a 45 year old is more fidgety than the little kids.

It all starts at 12 Noon with a lunch at the Methodical Church over in Yellville. My primary objective during lunch will be to make sure I don’t spill anything on my shirt which is much easier said than done. I’m not sure what will be served but if it’s possible to drop a big blob of it on my tie and shirt, I’m sure I will. Damn won’t I look good up there with the other pallbearers with a big stain right in the middle of my shirt? OH GOD THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN ISN’T IT??!!??

Then there’s the funeral itself. Since funeral services are generally not very long it really won’t be that bad. Just a little sermon and maybe some people telling some fun stories and stuff like that. Immediately after the service comes one of two opportunities for epic embarrassment. I’m talking of course about possibly being THE ONE who either struggles with or even loses his grip on the coffin. Okay, that’s probably not going to happen because there are eight of us and I’M A BIG STRONG MAN! But, nothing is out of the realm of possibility here.

Let’s see, what else could go wrong? Oooooo I could have a massive fall allergy attack! That’s a good one. I’ll end up spending the entire day sneezing and snotting all over myself and people sitting or standing near me. Not to mention the hacking and coughing while the preacher is trying to speak. Man that will be super annoying!

My back could suddenly act up. That would be sweet. Sitting there in excruciating pain desperately needing to move around or lie down but not able to. Could you imagine how much fun that would be? Not to mention I would be walking around looking like someone shoved a corn cob up my ass. That’s always a good look. Also, if I’m in that kind of pain I’m far more likely to say something stupid and/or spill some food on my shirt.

Honestly, there’s a loooooong list of things that could happen. I’m not saying I think any of them will, I’m just saying it’s possible. Don’t worry though, I’m totally not stressing over this at all. Nope, not me. I know it’s all good.  Well, unless I have BOTH an allergy attack AND my back flares up! Yeah, that’s the most likely scenario.

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