Thursday, February 7, 2013

No Saturday Mail Delivery is Bullshit!

Hola y’all! Uh, I had a really deep and thoughtful post planned for today, but my Hillbilly Neighbor Shastina came over this afternoon and was really upset. She said she really needed to get something off her chest so I said “Have at it” …

HEYYYYYYYYY! This is Shastina again. Remember me? Jay’s “hillbilly” neighbor? I don’t know why he calls me that and honestly if he wasn’t so God Damn CUTE I would drag him about back and whoop his ass for it. Anyway, there are couple of things I need to get off my chest. NO MATT-MAN? IS THAT YOUR NAME? WHOEVERTHEFUCKYOUARE my shirt and bra are NOT what I need to get off my chest. I have a couple of things buggin’ me.

First I’m not happy that my one and only for … foryeah? Shit, how do you spell … well fuck it … my one and only trip into the seedy internet world resulted in some motorcycle freak with 893 guns taking a shining to me. I was gonna just let it go but since I was going to be here anyway, I thought I would ask WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT? I had to get the locks on my doors changed just to be careful. Then I went out and bought a second .357 magnum just like my old one to keep in my car.

I knew the internet was full of fucking freaks and that’s why I don’t bother with it. At first I even blamed Jay despite the fact that he is just the sweetest thang ever. But, then I realized that a really fucking smart, sexy broad like me shouldn’t be taking the chances I took when I posted that. Jay had no way of knowing that I would become an internet sensation and guys from coast to coast would waggin their tongues and whackin their pathetic little willies over me. So, I forgive Jayman and am willing to prove it at any time. Well, as soon as he gets tested, but we don’t need to get into that shit again.

Okay, so that’s the first thing. I don’t care how allurin and exotic you freaks out there find me, no stalking! You hear me motorcycle shitbag?  And just in case you don’t speak English …. NOLO EL STALKO ALLOWEDO! Got it?

Okay, that’s all for that. Second thing I need to talk about is this whole no mail delivery on Saturday shit. Who was the liberal elitist panty waste who came up with this shit? Fuck him. He doesn’t understand how folks live and how important Saturday delivery is to some folks.

See, my family runs a … what should I call it? A “home based business.” WINK WINK? If you know what I mean? OH HAIL! THEY MAKE AND SELL MOONSHINE AND METH JESUS FUCK YOU PEOPLE ARE SLOW! I swear, the more education and so-called sophistication you got the dumber you are.

Anyhoodle, it may not seem like much, but Saturday home delivery is important in the home based business world. See? We get a lot of orders for our … product WINK WINK in the mail. And we get most of our orders on Saturday cause it takes about a week to manufacture our … product WINK WINK (I hope y’all are following me on this. You don’t seem all that smart.) and people like to have their orders by the weekend.

I know you think we’ll adapt and overcome, and maybe we will, but it won’t be easy. Some of those backwoods folk don’t take well to change. They’re not like me, living up here in the big town, driving on paved roads being read by freaks on the internet. They’re simple people who like simple things and they don’t want NO FUCKING CHANGES!

Well, that’s all I got. Thanks to Jay for lettin me speak my mind. Maybe I’ll give him a titty flash while he’s watching me through the peephole of his front door. Damn, that’s the way to stalk someone right there! Be subtle baby!

And oh yeah, HAPPY FUCKIN BIRTHDAY TO MATT-MAN! I give Jayman permission to send you any undercover pics he takes of me. I don’t even know you and I’m giving you a fuckin present. Shit. Look what you internet perverts have done to me.


Also, definitely check out yesterday's I'm With Stupid. It was all kinds of fun as we took down that stupid Favstar thing and people's desperate need for validation. Also, sweet and sexy Tantra Flower joined us for part of the show. You GOTTA hear her voice! AW YEAH! 

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio


I'm With Stupid said...

I appreciate the picture, but let me tell you..Schmoop will laugh her ass off over, "NOLO EL STALKO ALLOWEDO!" Ha...She has her reasons. Cheers Jayman!!


Mike said...

Mount Shastina. No it's not a command. It's a place.

I'm With Stupid said...

Matt: I didn't know what Schmoop appreciated Mexican Comedy so much.


I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: And it blows from time to time.


Jo said...

This is the rough draft for "Winter's Bone"! love it.

I'm With Stupid said...

Jo: I want to read the book, but every time I check, it's checked out at the library. I did see the movie though. Great movie. Sooooo depressing though. ha


Jo said...

I meant the movie, I didn't know there was a book. The book might be too much for me. Everyone says "The Grapes of Wrath" is their favorite book and while I agree it was powerfully written, it just sucked the marrow from my bones and filled my mouth full of dirt.

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