Happy Kwanzaa

Prior to Christmas, Jayman had a kick-back and one on one with Santa Claus, so as today marks the beginning of Kwanzaa, I am fortunate enough to have a jovial smack-down with Santa’s black (oh, excuse me, African-Americanized) counterpart, Bantu Claus…

Matt:  So, Bantu Claus, if that is your REAL name…Ha Ha…what be up n‘shit?

Bantu:  Whatchoo mean, what be up n’shit?  What the hell kinda vagary is dat?

Matt:  Sorry…I was trying to speak your speak, and be all down with your sub-culture n’shit.

Bantu:  Well stop it fool; you sound silly, and knock it off wif da “n’shit” shit.  That sounds foolish, pedestrian, and lactose-intolerant.

Matt:  Yes it doe---wha?  Never mind…and I am sorry, but anyhow…Kwanzaa is known as the holiday of the first fruits; why is that?

Bantu:  Hell, I don’t know.  Some know-it-all black ass professor from UCLA came up with that.  Wanted to give us black folk and our African heritage a reason for da season or sumthin.  First fruits mah ass…Hell the only fruits in Africa is the grapefruit of hate and the apple of angst…

Matt:  So ya think he should have called it something else?

Bantu:  He should have referred to Kwanzaa as, first heartaches.  Stupid tenyuhed-ass nigga!!

Matt:  So do you, like Santa Claus, distribute gifts all over the world?

Bantu:  I try, but it’s a little more difficult for me.

Matt:  How so?

Bantu:  See Matt-Man…Santa gots a sled powered by magic reindeer, and all I gots is a broken down ‘64 Buick Electra Deuce and a Quarter powered only by overpriced gasoline and an over powerful desire to gets out of my spoused-up crib one night a year, so I only do the forty-eight contigatory states.

Matt:  Oh I thought Kwanzaaa was picking up in Canada as well.  You don’t go there?

Bantu:  Do you even know how much it costs to get a passport these days, whitebread?

Matt:  Well, no, no I---

Bantu:  Sheeeeeet…It would take me four weeks of dumpster diving for beer cans in YOUR dumpster to get one.

Matt:  Wow, that’s a lot.

Bantu:  “Wow that’s a lot.”  Is that you all got to say boy?  I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I’m just pissed.

Matt:  Why?  What’s wrong?

Bantu:  Well, my brethren and sisteren claim to want presents that reflect our Africanicity, so I show up with dictators, mosquito nets, and toy boy soldiers.

Matt:  And they don’t appreciate that that?

Bantu:  Well Hell No…All they want is a six pack of Steel Reserve and a bleach blonde with a big ass.

Matt:  So typical…and the bruthas probably only appreciate it for a minute.

Bantu:  Damn right my friend, and that is why I brought you some 211's and a hot babe, because I know you will love on both for hours.

Matt:  Holy Cow, brutha Bantu…It’s a Kwanzaa Miracle!!

Bantu: Word to your mutha, and Happy Kwanzaa, Matt-Man!!

Cheers!!

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