Mitt Romney Reflects on the Campaign

Hola y’all! Mitt here. Mittster. Mitterino. THE MITTENATOR! Matt and Jay have graciously agreed to let me use their blog to work things out after my shocking and devastating loss on Tuesday. I’m very thankful for this and yes, I agree that it’s very rare to see the words “Matt,” “Jay” and “gracious” in the same sentence. EL OH EL Guys! Just a little jokey-poo.

You know, just a few days ago I couldn’t get away with saying “hola.” I would have caught crap from the media for trying to pander to the Hispanic vote. Man, am I glad this campaign is over. I think. Well, I’m not happy that I lost, but at least I don’t have to worry about getting in trouble for saying “hola” to Lupe in the mornings when I come downstairs for breakfast. Where is Lupe with my hot chocolate? She’s so slow.

I just can’t believe I lost. I really thought I had this one in the bag. I don’t know what bag, but I had it in there. I’m starting to wonder if some of the people I had working on my campaign really knew what they were doing.  I’m a CEO, not worker bee so I don’t really know what they were doing all the time when I was on the road. Instead of polling they could have been calling phone sex lines for all I know.

I know it wasn’t my position on the issues because I made sure nobody had any idea where I stood on those. Man, I was so smooth when it came to being pinned down on anything. I made sure that before anyone knew what I had said, I had someone put out a statement “explaining” what I REALLY meant. Hehe … That confused the hell out of those morons in the lame stream media.

Of course there was that Hurricane Sandy and the whole thing with Chris Christie. I don’t know what to think about that. At first I thought everything was cool, but lately I’ve been thinking that I’m not all that happy with him. Nope. Not happy. AT. ALL!

Seriously can you believe that guy? I don’t want to use a bad word here but FUCK THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE CHRISTIE! THAT SORRY SON OF A BITCH! ONE LITTLE WIND STORM AND ALL OF THE SUDDEN HE’S HUGGING OBAMA AS IF THEY’RE LONG LOST FRIENDS OR SOME SHIT. THAT GUIDO MOTHERFUCKER TOTALLY SAT THERE PRAISING OBAMA AND HIS … LEADERSHIP?? OH FUCK ME. IS CHRIS CHRISTIE ITALIAN? I DON’T EVEN FUCKING CARE RIGHT NOW. FOR HIM TO PUT HIS STATE AND ALL THOSE “SUFFERING” PEOPLE AHEAD OF MY CAMPAIGN FOR PRESIDENT IS AN ACT OF BETRAYAL! I KNOW THEIR HOMES WERE DESTORYED AND ALL THAT SHIT BUT WHAT ABOUT ME? I NEEDED HELP TOO! THAT BASTARD AND HIS STATE FULL OF KNUCKLE-DRAGGING, HAIRY-CHESTED MICHAEL CORELONE WANNABES CAN ALL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!

Sorry guys. I almost lost my cool for a minute there.

I just don’t know what I’m going to do next. I guess when Tagg gets home, he and I can watch Love, Actually again. It’s our favorite movie and would allow me to cry without any questioning or having to talk about my feelings. Tagg has that “Mr. Sensitive” thing going and it really bugs me.

Well Lupe finally brought my hot chocolate. I think I’ll just sit here in my den with the lights out for a while. I really feel like I might cry. This is the saddest I’ve ever been. Okay, that’s not really true. I was even sadder the day Esmeralda, the one I could never have, moved back to Chile. I begged her stay, but she said her family needed her. Yeah, well what about me? What about what I needed? Nobody cared, as usual. Story of my life y’all.

Where did I put that bourbon?

Also, don’t bother me with your fake sympathy. Tell Jayman all about it if you just have to say something.

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