Holaaaaaaa! Yesterday Matt-Man posted a list of people who need to Shut the Fuck Up! And, while it was a good list, I thought that today I would continue this theme with a list of people I also wish would STFU!
David Brooks: If you want to know what the truly elite are thinking, just read Brooks’ NYT column. He, even more than Maureen Dowd is the embodiment of the superior class who write only about “big picture issues” and then puts on a tuxedo at 6 pm to attend drinks and dinner with friends. And what does he write about? Mostly things like “we don’t have a leadership problem, we have a follower problem” where he complains that Americans aren’t blindly following their betters enough. Or perhaps he might write about how much harder he has to work than the average American and it would be so nice if blue collar workers would carry their own weight and help out a little. What a puke!
Vegans: Look guys. I have friends who are vegans, but if one more pale, hollow-eyed, bone-thin, looks like death warmed over vegan tells me that I eat “disgusting” things or that I should try tofu hot dogs because they’re sooooo healthy I’m just gonna stomp them into the dirt. Actually, I’ll just give them one poke in the sternum and watch them collapse in pain.
Marathon Runners: Okay, we get it, you run … A LOT. Thanks for updating us every single day how far you ran and in what time. Good for you. You run six to ten miles a day and burn 8,422 calories. You’re thinner than a vegan. You’re soooooooooo fucking healthy. Great, you’re gonna make a really great looking corpse. Congrats.
Atheists: Hey, did you guys know that atheists are, just by nature of being atheists, much smarter than the rest of us? Oh they are. If you didn’t know that, just fucking ask one of them and they’ll tell you. In fact, you don’t have to ask, they’ll offer it up anyway. And if they suspect that you are a “believer” they will really turn it on by quoting Penn Teller at you. Why? Because since they’re so much more intelligent than you, they must scream at you and shout you down and bully you until you just give up and walk away.
People who have quit smoking or drinking: I’m proud of you if you have done either of these things. And, quitting smoking is without a doubt the number one thing anyone can do to improve their health immediately. And, by quitting smoking people will suddenly have a lot of extra money each week because cigarettes are expensive as hell. But, do you HAVE to constantly tell me how much better you feel since you stopped drinking and/or smoking? Do you have to start every sentence with “Back when I drank …” Do you have to tell me how much better your dinner tastes and smells EVERY SINGLE DAY? No, no you don’t.
Oh hell, we could probably do this every day for a month! The list goes on and on and on. But, it’s important to keep blog posts short, so I’ll end it here.