Friday, August 17, 2012

Getting Older Kind of Sucks

Hola y’all! So, yesterday Mr. Matt-Man wrote a very nice and thoughtful blog post about the benefits of getting older. He spoke eloquently about being comfortable with who he is and the people in his life and his years of wisdom that he has gained and whatnot. That’s all great, but there’s another side to getting older and I’m afraid that Matt kind of glossed over the negative stuff.

Nighttime is a rough time when men older. I used to be able to sleep through the night without much trouble. Now it takes me forever to get comfortable and actually get to sleep. Then, I have to get up at least once during the night to pee, sometimes multiple times. Often when I go into the bathroom to pee I stand there and wait and wait and wait and … nothing. Eventually I look down and say “Hey, this was your idea not mine!”

When I finally do pee, it comes out at a 47 degree angle missing the toilet completely. So, I shuffle a little to the right in an attempt to hit the target. At this point it straitens out and I miss to the right. The upside is that I don’t have to flush when I’m done. You might ask “Why don’t you just sit so you won’t miss?” Well, that’s a great idea except I’ll fall asleep.

Falling asleep while trying to do other things is also a problem for older people. It’s not uncommon for older people to wake up at 8 am, have a bowl of cereal for breakfast and fall asleep again while reading emails at 9 am. Also, sometimes men might get into bed, reach down and start massaging Mr. Happy and then fall asleep. Then, he might wake up 15 minutes later wondering why he’s holding his wee-wee.

Of course, short term memory goes very quickly when people grow older. Older people have to keep notebooks, post-it notes and pens with them at all times to write things down as they think of them. If they don’t, they’ll completely forget within a minute or so. Also, older people have any errands to run they are usually going to be late because they’ll spend several minutes looking for their keys, wallets and sunglasses. Those keys are probably in the doorknob because they forgot to bring them in after getting home the previous evening. The wallet is in their front pocket and the sunglasses are on the back of the toilet at the Gas and Go.

The grocery store presents a whole new set of problems for older folks. It’s not uncommon to see someone middle aged and older standing in the middle of the isle looking upset and saying “I just want a box of regular, every day fucking Cheez It’s! They have dozens of different flavors but I can’t find the original!” At this point they give up and just get something else. When they go through the checkout the cashier asks “Did you find everything okay?” and the older folks will say “Yes” because they already forgot what it was they couldn’t find.

And of course, there’s technology to deal with. Older people have to write down very specific instructions explaining how to Tweet or post Facebook statuses or even how to get their email. Older people generally get nostalgic for the old days when things weren’t so complicated. Many resist progress and hold onto the old ways. You will find these people at the post office every morning getting their mail out of their P.O. Box and then sitting in their car reading it while hogging a good parking spot. I would say they’re being rude, but it’s not like they realize there are other people around.

So, as you see, getting older isn’t nearly as much fun as Matt-Man claims. Hell, I didn’t even get into the part about waking up each morning wondering what body part will be hurting for no reason at all. Or not being able to stand up like a normal person for 30 minutes after falling asleep for an hour in my chair. Yeah, getting older ain’t for sissies.



I'm With Stupid said...

I was going to tell you what a great post this was, but I can't remember if I really meant it or not. Cheers, I think?


Anonymous said...

Omg! You people aren't old! Stop it! You will be some day! I'm still doing cartwheels in the back yard with my kids and walking 6 miles a day!! :) Missy

Jo said...

You're not that old! Maybe you're experiencing your 60's now to get it out of the way, then when you turn 50 you can start going to raves and get eyebrow piercings...kind of like people who die for 5 minutes, then wake up and become really happy, spiritually effervescent douches. Not that you'd be a douche but you could have fun trying.

What is up with the sidewinder peeing?

Edita said...

I am looking forward to getting older. Falling asleep while reading mails and eating cereal and all. Wake up face in bowl, of course.

Gnetch said...

I don't know but aside from feeling stabby every day and tired and moody and getting migraines and feeling lazy and quiet, getting older seems fin... Uhm... Yeah, getting old sucks.

Wine~Gurl said...

I can say i feel old after 2 wks of oldness in my house, but you are very much alive and young. But i am with Jo on the side peeing thing... Really sit down and set ur alarm so if you fall asleep u will br ba k up in no time...

I'm With Stupid said...

Matt-Man: I can't remember what my reply to you was going to be.


I'm With Stupid said...

Mischie: If I tried to do a cartwheel I would end up in traction for two months.


I'm With Stupid said...

Jo: It's possible that I will just stop aging too! At that point things will slowly get better and I'll be one of those old people telling other old people "I feel the best I've ever felt!" Not likely, but maybe. ha! ;-)


I'm With Stupid said...

Edita: You will age gracefully and beautifully I'm sure. ;-)


I'm With Stupid said...

Gnetch: You were in kindergarten when I was in college! You're still young, wild and free! ;-p ;-p


I'm With Stupid said...

Wine~Gurl: Maybe I hang out with too much oldness? If that's the case, I should hang out with you more!