Getting Older Kind of Sucks

Hola y’all! So, yesterday Mr. Matt-Man wrote a very nice and thoughtful blog post about the benefits of getting older. He spoke eloquently about being comfortable with who he is and the people in his life and his years of wisdom that he has gained and whatnot. That’s all great, but there’s another side to getting older and I’m afraid that Matt kind of glossed over the negative stuff.

Nighttime is a rough time when men older. I used to be able to sleep through the night without much trouble. Now it takes me forever to get comfortable and actually get to sleep. Then, I have to get up at least once during the night to pee, sometimes multiple times. Often when I go into the bathroom to pee I stand there and wait and wait and wait and … nothing. Eventually I look down and say “Hey, this was your idea not mine!”

When I finally do pee, it comes out at a 47 degree angle missing the toilet completely. So, I shuffle a little to the right in an attempt to hit the target. At this point it straitens out and I miss to the right. The upside is that I don’t have to flush when I’m done. You might ask “Why don’t you just sit so you won’t miss?” Well, that’s a great idea except I’ll fall asleep.

Falling asleep while trying to do other things is also a problem for older people. It’s not uncommon for older people to wake up at 8 am, have a bowl of cereal for breakfast and fall asleep again while reading emails at 9 am. Also, sometimes men might get into bed, reach down and start massaging Mr. Happy and then fall asleep. Then, he might wake up 15 minutes later wondering why he’s holding his wee-wee.

Of course, short term memory goes very quickly when people grow older. Older people have to keep notebooks, post-it notes and pens with them at all times to write things down as they think of them. If they don’t, they’ll completely forget within a minute or so. Also, older people have any errands to run they are usually going to be late because they’ll spend several minutes looking for their keys, wallets and sunglasses. Those keys are probably in the doorknob because they forgot to bring them in after getting home the previous evening. The wallet is in their front pocket and the sunglasses are on the back of the toilet at the Gas and Go.

The grocery store presents a whole new set of problems for older folks. It’s not uncommon to see someone middle aged and older standing in the middle of the isle looking upset and saying “I just want a box of regular, every day fucking Cheez It’s! They have dozens of different flavors but I can’t find the original!” At this point they give up and just get something else. When they go through the checkout the cashier asks “Did you find everything okay?” and the older folks will say “Yes” because they already forgot what it was they couldn’t find.

And of course, there’s technology to deal with. Older people have to write down very specific instructions explaining how to Tweet or post Facebook statuses or even how to get their email. Older people generally get nostalgic for the old days when things weren’t so complicated. Many resist progress and hold onto the old ways. You will find these people at the post office every morning getting their mail out of their P.O. Box and then sitting in their car reading it while hogging a good parking spot. I would say they’re being rude, but it’s not like they realize there are other people around.

So, as you see, getting older isn’t nearly as much fun as Matt-Man claims. Hell, I didn’t even get into the part about waking up each morning wondering what body part will be hurting for no reason at all. Or not being able to stand up like a normal person for 30 minutes after falling asleep for an hour in my chair. Yeah, getting older ain’t for sissies.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS