Friday, July 13, 2012

Who Wants To Take a Ride on My Menstrual Cycle?

Hi all you summertime, taint-sweatin' boys, and moist, canoe-bailin’ babes out there…

Kim Fragile here for I’m With Stupid, and Wow..!!

It has been quite awhile since I’ve chimed in on the IWS website.

For those of you who may not know me, my name is Kim Fragile pronounced (Frah-Jee-Lee) like in Christmas Story, and I am a roving correspondent for IWS.  Oh yeah bitches…this chick can not only rove, but correspondent as well.  Snap!!

Anyhoo…

The reason I have been away for so long is that lately, it seems that I have two periods a month that last 17 days each, which on one hand, blowin’ chowder out my hoo-ha for 34 days a month is impressive as it defies the laws of our calendar, but it also, in a word…

VERY MUCH SUCKS!!

Hell my uterus hates me so much that during my second 17 day period back in February, it bled for 18 days because it knew it was a leap year!!  That’s just wrong.  Damn wrong.

Now you lovely ladies out there know of what I speak, but you guys?  Pfffffft.  You don’t know shit.

Like the other day on the IWS Radio Show.  Jayman was whining about his hemorrhoids.  Big frickin’ deal. Oh you have some discomfort?  Awwwww, you have ruby red, sanguine filled sacs of blood drooping from your ass, baby?

What a fucking shame, because every time I turn around, it seems that my uterus thinks it’s Halloween and little hemo-goblins come charging out of my lady parts after stealing all my treats!!

In all fairness to Jayman…when I am at IWS World Headquarters and suffering the curse, he is always nice to me.  He buys me ice cream, chocolate, and lovingly waxes my burgeoning pre-menopausal mustache.  I just don't understand why Jayman insists on being naked when he does that.  Hmmm?

Matt-Man on the other hand?

All he ever does is shake his head, chuckle, and ask, “How’s the ferret, Kim?  Still puking?”

God he’s an asshole.

And then there is also the pre-menstrual bloat.

Two to three days before I start, which is always one day before my previous one ends, I swell up like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon.  Oh sure the scale may say 127, but the mirror and my vanity know that I actually weigh 1,127 pounds!!

Fucking Eve…had to bite into the apple, dintcha Bitch?  Uuch.

If you were alive today, I’d smack you harder than the Devil ever could.

And because of the frequency and duration of the breachings of my female levee, I have something REALLY important to say…

“Hey uterus, I would like to have sex more than once in a great while if you don’t mind, but noooooo…you have to show me and the world how fertile and/or fucked up you are.”

Sometimes, I think screw it; this is never going to end, so I think to myself…” Damn the projectile clots, I’ll have sex anyway.”, and then I think…

If a sexy man did want to have sex with me while my sugar walls were being shed, I would have to warn him by saying…

“Hey big sexy man, I’m all yours, but keep in mind that the Yoshi Blade wielding Japanese chef inside of my hoo-ha may turn your Johnsonville brat into shredded beef.”

Uuch…Being a woman is such a pain in the rose petals, but…I am Kim Fragile, and I will continue to persevere, to roam, and most importantly, to correspondent.

Until next time…which may or may not be the day after this one ends, if it ever does...

Zoooooves!!

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

12 comments:

I'm With Stupid said...

It's so nice of Kim to come here and share with us like this. Always a pleasure!

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Jay: She is all about being open and honest. Cheers Jayman!!

Matt-Man

Mike said...

Well I checked out Kim Fragile on google images. Guess whose boobs are on the first row of pictures.

Beth said...

So true, and so sad. Life sucks.

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: Were they ones with spiders on them? 'Cause them ain't Kim's. Cheers Mike!!

Matt-Man

I'm With Stupid said...

Beth: Well suck it up, and go make me a sammich. Cheers Schmoop!!

Matt-Man

Mike said...

There were those but right next to them there was a pair that had 'I'm with Stupid' written on them. Search "Kim Fragile" with quotes.

Jo said...

Stupid uterus. Stupid estrogen. Now I want to punch someone.

Oh! "hemo-goblins"...one of the best debaucheries ever. Ever!

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: Those aren't Kim's...Man your skills are deteriorating!! Cheers Mike!!

Matt-Man

I'm With Stupid said...

Jo: If my claim to fame is the term "hemo-goblins" I shall die a happy man. Cheers Jo!!

Matt-Man

Mike said...

This is going to take some indepth and up close investigation.

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: You can do it!! Cheers Mike!!

Matt-Man