NCAA's Unique Punishment for Penn State

Hola y’all! Well, the NCAA dropped the moral hammer on Penn State and even though these sanctions do nothing to punish the guilty parties and actually punish other people instead, we’re all happy. We’re happy because an old white guy got up in front of cameras and beat up on a defenseless school and its current future students and athletes. We do love getting all morally indignant and going after bad people and organizations. Well, except for Wall Street. They can continue to so rob us all blind without threat of any repercussions, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Anyhoodle, you guys have all heard of the big sanctions against Penn St. The media talked about the $60 million dollar fine, the abdication of wins, the bowl ban and the denial of educational opportunities of up to 80 people in the future loss of scholarships. BUT, that’s not all! Oh no! There are some other sanctions that have been tacked on. Luckily, the IWS World Media Sports Division is on top of this. Check it out …

1. Instead of getting four downs to make a first down Penn State will only get three.

2. Instead of ten yards to make a first down, Penn State’s opponents will need to only gain 8.137 yards.

3. Penn State touchdowns now only count 4 points and they are BARRED from going for a two point conversion OR extra point tries.

4. Field goals will only be worth .7 points now instead of three.

5. After what will be a very rare victory, the television announcers will be required to say “Yeah, Penn State won, but they still support and defend a child rapist.”

6. No cheerleaders! Sorry PSU, but it’s obvious that you can’t deal with that kind of stimulation.

7. There will now be a statue of very disgusted looking middle-aged men in blue suits placed where the Joe Paterno statue once stood.

8. Players will no longer be allowed to wear facemasks. This seems harsh, but it is necessary.

9. Instead of offensive coordinators signaling in plays from the sideline, the PSU quarterback will have to just draw plays in the dirt using a stick provided by the referee.

10. PSU defensive players can only tackle the ball carrier from the front and may not touch him below the waist.

11. No Penn State games may be played in the rain as it will remind people too much of the infamous locker room showers.

12. Any school that goes winless will get to play Penn St. twice the next season so they can feel better about themselves.

So, as you can see, the NCAA has sent a very serious signal to all other member schools. Every single college in America now knows that if they try to cover up some big scandal, get caught and find themselves completely defenseless, the NCAA will pounce on them and stand on top of the smoldering remains declaring their superior morality and delivering justice to everyone except the perpetrators of the terrible crimes that were committed.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

In other news, Mark Twain once said “Everybody is complaining about the weather, but nobody is doing anything about it.” Well, until NOW that is! On I'm With Stupid Matt and Jay did do something about the weather. They made jokes about it. They talked about the non-weather definition of weather terms, hurricane names and told freaky weather stories. Another classic episode about something most people thought was boring and routine. So, check it out!

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