Hola kids! So, as you probably know by now, that long-haired hippie John Roberts and his left-wing wacko friends on the Supreme Court ruled the Affordable Care Act, better known as Obamacare, constitutional. Well, that’s just great. Now a bunch of undeserving poor people will get free healthcare. Just add that to the list of shit they get that’s paid for by decent, hardworking, God-loving Americans. I can’t believe how freaking great poor people have it. Bastards.
Anyway, after a little research I found some little known benefits of Obamacare that I thought you guys should know about.
- Food safe gloves will be tax deductible. I was especially happy to find this little nugget.
- Obamacare specifically lists masturbation is a way to stay physically and emotionally healthy. Therefore, trips to strip clubs and tickets to Magic Mike will also be tax deductible.
- Colonoscopies for everyone! Two a year for the 10% of people who enjoy them.
- Doctors now legally prohibited from staring any sentence with “At your age …” or “You’re getting to be that age where …”
- Nurses now must go back to wearing the tight white dress with the stockings that have the seam running up the back of the legs and the cute little nurse’s hat.
- Asking someone “Hot enough for ya?” is now considered a medical question and may not be asked by anyone not working in the medical profession.
- “Laughter is the best medicine” is now a legitimate medical prescription. Doctors will be encouraged to require their patients suffering a wide variety of physical and emotional ailments to listen to the I’m With Stupid podcast.
- Walking up to random women, dropping your pants, pointing to your penis and asking “Does this look infected?” will continue to be illegal. Sorry guys.
- You will be able to submit names to your local Death Panel online 24/7. The Death Panels will meet on Tuesdays and Thursdays each week to consider who to send “to the showers” as Hitler would say.
- You no longer have to worry about eating right, staying active or having unprotected sex. You’re covered!
As you can see, Obamacare means a lot of changes. It’s going to take some getting used, but I’m sure that if we all pull together as country as we always do, we’ll get through this and be a better society for it!
P.S. Not to be bother or anything, but did we mention that former Food Network marketing exec Carrie Welch who now runs Little Green Pickle will be our guest on IWS this Sunday? Well, she will be!!! And you can tune in at 12 Noon ET to listen! And, if you have any questions for Carrie, just send them to us and we’ll do our best to work them into the show.
How exciting is that?