Happy Hump Day Chuckleheads!!
I am on cloud nine today, because I found out that this Sunday June 17th, Fathers’ Day no less, GOP Presidential nominee Mitt Romney will be visiting the greater Bagwine, Ohio area during his Every Town Counts bus tour.
Yes indeed my friends, Mitt Romney will be stopping in Troy, OH. this Sunday to meet and greet regular type folk at K’s Hamburger Shop in Troy, which, conveniently, is located but a mere 25 minutes west of the palatial digs here in Bagwine, OH.
I can’t wait to see Mitt up close, personal, and raw as both sides of his mouth envelop a greasy, handmade burger, topped with cheese, lettuce, pickle, mayo, and mustard and carefully and artfully placed lovingly within the inviting confines of a warm, soft bun.
He will look like one of us…So real, so open, so blue-collar and with a twinkle in his eye as he wipes the grease from his honest lips with a linen napkin that his staff provided, and overcome by the new experience, Romney will say in a non-threatening, yet for him, a quasi-effervescent sorta way…
“Was that really ground beef that I just appropriated into my body? I have never had ground beef in my life, but as they say…when in Troy, do like the Trojans!!”
The men will cheer…the boys will shout…the ladies they will all come out, and we’ll all be gay when Romney comes munching home.
Hell, even his traveling campaign partners in crime will cave to the emotion of the moment. House Speaker John Boehner will sob out of sheer joy, and the always effusive and ebullient Sen. Rob Portman will nearly smirk in delight.
And what will I do, when I see that the aforementioned description actually never happens due to the fact that all the folks referenced in my brief piece of uber-fiction are truly boring as Hell?
I’m going after Romney. Why you ask?
Because Romney has no soul, no passion, no big ideas other than becoming President because he, “wants to.”
Most importantly, I find him insufferable because he has no sense of humor. I could never vote for anyone who lacks a sense of humor, and Romney? The man wouldn’t recognize a punchline if he hizzelf was the damn punchline.
However, I, being a zeitgeist of vast philanthropic concern, I am going to help Mitt Romney by attacking him in a profoundly personal and physical way.
The Mittster is going down at K’s Hamburger Shop in Troy, OH. on Sunday June 17th at the hands, or rather, the handshake of the Matt-Man.
Damn right folks.
I am going to squeeze through the line of turgid, Protestant, grain-fed, gawking Miami County Republicans, sneak past his less than attentive Secret Service detail, wade through the sea of Boehner’s tears, glide past the empty stare of Sen. Portman, and then I will shake the hand of one mild manner Mitt Romney, and say unto his sapless self…
“I’m Matt-Man Bitch, and now? So…Are…You.”
And with those words and our handshake, part of my wild and carefree personality will be transferred to Mitt through a little-known process that only I posses…a process known as, Transdermal Personality Enhancement.
Don’t believe me? Ha!! Wait and see folks, in fact…
When you are watching TV after June 17th, all of Mitt Romney’s new campaign ads will end with the Mittster saying this…
“I’m Mitt Romney Bitch, and I approved this motherfucking message.”
Republican, Democrat, or Swedish Nazi, it matters not to me. I am merely here to help all of mankind and I feel that Mitt should have the opportunity to experience the excitement of having a personality before he dies.
Cheers!!
Matt-Man
neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws
I am on cloud nine today, because I found out that this Sunday June 17th, Fathers’ Day no less, GOP Presidential nominee Mitt Romney will be visiting the greater Bagwine, Ohio area during his Every Town Counts bus tour.
Yes indeed my friends, Mitt Romney will be stopping in Troy, OH. this Sunday to meet and greet regular type folk at K’s Hamburger Shop in Troy, which, conveniently, is located but a mere 25 minutes west of the palatial digs here in Bagwine, OH.
I can’t wait to see Mitt up close, personal, and raw as both sides of his mouth envelop a greasy, handmade burger, topped with cheese, lettuce, pickle, mayo, and mustard and carefully and artfully placed lovingly within the inviting confines of a warm, soft bun.
He will look like one of us…So real, so open, so blue-collar and with a twinkle in his eye as he wipes the grease from his honest lips with a linen napkin that his staff provided, and overcome by the new experience, Romney will say in a non-threatening, yet for him, a quasi-effervescent sorta way…
“Was that really ground beef that I just appropriated into my body? I have never had ground beef in my life, but as they say…when in Troy, do like the Trojans!!”
The men will cheer…the boys will shout…the ladies they will all come out, and we’ll all be gay when Romney comes munching home.
Hell, even his traveling campaign partners in crime will cave to the emotion of the moment. House Speaker John Boehner will sob out of sheer joy, and the always effusive and ebullient Sen. Rob Portman will nearly smirk in delight.
And what will I do, when I see that the aforementioned description actually never happens due to the fact that all the folks referenced in my brief piece of uber-fiction are truly boring as Hell?
I’m going after Romney. Why you ask?
Because Romney has no soul, no passion, no big ideas other than becoming President because he, “wants to.”
Most importantly, I find him insufferable because he has no sense of humor. I could never vote for anyone who lacks a sense of humor, and Romney? The man wouldn’t recognize a punchline if he hizzelf was the damn punchline.
However, I, being a zeitgeist of vast philanthropic concern, I am going to help Mitt Romney by attacking him in a profoundly personal and physical way.
Damn right folks.
I am going to squeeze through the line of turgid, Protestant, grain-fed, gawking Miami County Republicans, sneak past his less than attentive Secret Service detail, wade through the sea of Boehner’s tears, glide past the empty stare of Sen. Portman, and then I will shake the hand of one mild manner Mitt Romney, and say unto his sapless self…
“I’m Matt-Man Bitch, and now? So…Are…You.”
And with those words and our handshake, part of my wild and carefree personality will be transferred to Mitt through a little-known process that only I posses…a process known as, Transdermal Personality Enhancement.
Don’t believe me? Ha!! Wait and see folks, in fact…
When you are watching TV after June 17th, all of Mitt Romney’s new campaign ads will end with the Mittster saying this…
“I’m Mitt Romney Bitch, and I approved this motherfucking message.”
Republican, Democrat, or Swedish Nazi, it matters not to me. I am merely here to help all of mankind and I feel that Mitt should have the opportunity to experience the excitement of having a personality before he dies.
Cheers!!
Matt-Man
neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws
17 comments:
Be sure to wear your tuxedo t-shirt so you won't stand out.
Also, I bet Mitt eats his burger with a fork and knife.
Jay
Jayman: Good tip and I will, and if he does use a knife and fork he will surely die...this is cow country and you eat it with your hands. Cheers Jayman!!
Matt-Man
Hahaaaa! They are both absurd.., and leave John Boehner alone!! :) Miss
Miss: Ha!! How can I leave Boner alone? While as orange and boring as he is, he is fodder and fertilizer for the field of comedy. Cheers Miss!!
Matt-Man
You'd better make sure y'all's trees are just the right height, or else he might not even stop there.
He likes trees of an appropriate height.
If you manage to have any control over that man, could you make him start wearing leisure suits? I think he'd look great in leisure suits.
Katy: Hee...We have perfect trees here in Ohio, Katy. As for the leisure suit? I'm thinking powder blue with a white belt. He'd so rock that look. Cheers Katy!!
Matt-Man
who is that guy? HAHA
Mai: In all likelihood, our next future dickhead President. Cheers Mai!!
Matt-Man
I understand someone has recommended a running mate named Sarah and he's going to take a close look at her.
If anyone could tattoo a personality on the Mittster, it's you!
Mike: Well that makes sense should he want to double his ticket's excitement level while halving its IQ. Cheers Mike!!
Matt-Man
Beth: Ha. Well said, and thanks. Cheers Schmoop!!
Matt-Man
I'm pretty sure the FBI is monitoring you now.
People without a sense of humor are almost always sociopaths. The FBI should actually concentrate on the Unfunny.
Are you really going to be there? If so, you should wear an IWS t-shirt.
Jo: Damn right they should and I may go. The exact time has yet to be set however. Cheers Jo!!
Matt-Man
You think Mitt has no sense of humor; wait 'til you read Matt Man.
Anonymous: Ha Ha...Oh ho...You're me!! Zzzzzzzzzzzz. Cheers!!
Matt-Man
er...killing me...or something.
Matt-Man
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