Thursday, June 14, 2012

Fifty Shades of Jay

I was sitting alone in my apartment watching Family Guy when there was a knock on the door. I opened the door and it was Miley Cyrus! I stepped aside to let her in and started to tell her how surprised I was to see her there when she pushed me against the door as it closed. She put her left hand on my chest and slowly ran it down to my belly which she rubbed lovingly as she stared into my eyes for a moment.

Then Miley grabbed my hand led me over to the dining room table. She grabbed me and forced me to sit down in the chair. I exclaimed “But Miley! You’re engaged now. We shouldn’t be doing this.” She said nothing as she stood there with her still perky barely legal teenage breasts at my eye level.

Then Miley straddled me and sat on my lap. As I again attempted to stop what was happening, she put her finger on my lips and leaned in so close our lips were almost touching. Then she whispered “Shhhhhhh” as she moved her hand around the back of my head and put her lips against my ears.

“I’ll be getting married soon, but there is something I have to do before that happens.” She purred.

I put my hands on her thighs and sighed deeply. “Anything you want Miley.”

Miley kissed me softly on the cheek, smiled and said “I’M GONNA MAKE YOU SOME MEATLOAF BABY!”

My desire rose rapidly as Miley marched into the kitchen, reached into the bag she was carrying and placed one pound of ground beef, an onion and some eggs on the counter. I could barely think clearly when she asked where a big bowl, the knives and a cutting board were. Miley then chopped up the onion with abandon, placed them and the meat into the bowl, cracked a couple of eggs and threw them in too. She then grabbed the meat gently and began to massage it, mixing everything together until it was eventually a long, beautiful, stiff log which she placed strips of bacon on and placed on a rack inside of a cake pan and into the oven.

While the meat loaf was cooking Miley moved immediately to peeling the potatoes. It was no time at all before she had them cut up and sprinkled with some salt and pepper and boiling in a covered pan on the stove. Miley then sang “Can’t Be Tamed” and cleaned up the kitchen while everything cooked. When the potatoes were done she quickly drained them and threw them back into the pan along with ¾ a stick of butter, more salt and pepper and a splash of milk.

Then, as my head was spinning from excitement and desire Miley mashed the potatoes. Her hair was flowing and body shaking as she shook and bounced up and down to mashed the taters. She was breathing heavily now, mashing the potatoes harder and faster until finally she took a deep breath, smiled said “Oh yeah … That’s soooo good.”

Miley placed my plate in front of me and sat on my lap. Once again I was rubbing her thighs as she fed me the first taste of meat loaf. I could barely contain myself anymore. I let out a groan and pulled her closer to me. My senses were all fully engaged now. My heart was racing. The meatloaf tasted so good. The tangy A1 Sauce was the perfect complement to the subtle flavors of the meat and potatoes.

After finishing the whole plate Miley and I just held each other right there in the chair basking in the post cuisineal glow. We were barely able to move at all. All we wanted to do was cuddle and remember this beautiful moment, our last, together. Then Miley again kissed me gently on the neck while she pressed her firm body against mine, sighed and haltingly whispered …

“I … Want … Dessert.”



I'm With Stupid said...

That...Is...Hot. especially when you used the new word "post-cuisineal glow." Awesome. Cheers Jayman!!


Jo said...

Wow. That was very buttery. This would make a genius cookbook!

Did Miley wear gloves?...I know how you feel about unprotected meat-handling.

Beth said...

Oh my goodness!!!

Gnetch said...

Now I know why you chose the title!

Wine~Gurl said...

See the title caught me now since I'm. Pulling back my 50 shades since reading the book! Hot Jay just wish I was the one cooking and giving you the "lapdance" instead of ho-ish Miley! Hot post!

I'm With Stupid said...

Matt-Man: The vegetables were steamed by the heat Miley and I generated.


I'm With Stupid said...

Jo: It would be a good book Each chapter an encounter with someone different and a new recipe. Chapter 2 would be Natalie Portman cooking Matzo Ball Soup.

Also, protection was worn.


I'm With Stupid said...

Beth: Yeah, I love meatloaf too. ;-)


I'm With Stupid said...

Gnetch: I'm clever like that. haha ;-p


I'm With Stupid said...

Wine~Gurl: I would prefer it be you instead of Miley too babe. ;-)


Dana said...

I'm feeling very uncomfortable after reading this ... VERY uncomfortable!

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

that was a hoot and clever Jay.
Guess now i can say I have read 50 shades of Gray...err Jay.

Knight said...

This was disturbing. Damnit I hate that Cyrus bitch. I'm sure I can bake a superior meatloaf for you.

Anonymous said...

I want the book! Hahaa! :) Missy

I'm With Stupid said...

Dana: Good. I like making people feel uncomfortable.


I'm With Stupid said...

Margaret: Thanks babe!


I'm With Stupid said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
I'm With Stupid said...

Missy: I'll give you an autographed copy!


I'm With Stupid said...

Knight: Oh I have no doubt that you could make a better meatloaf babe! I'd love to smell what you're cooking. ha ;-)


Mike said...

If you don't take up Knight on her offer I will.

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: Dude. I would sooo eat Knight's meatloaf. I'm sure it's freaking amazing.

Jay said...

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