Friday, May 25, 2012

You Might Be An Asshole If ...


Hola sweet, thoughtful and considerate people! In the spirit of Jeff Foxworthy’s very old and tired “You might be a redneck if …” jokes, here are some ways to know if you are an asshole:

If you’re wearing headphones and I can still hear your music, you might be an asshole.

If you have auto play music player on your blog, you might be an asshole.

If you throw trash out the window of your car while driving, or worse, while in a parking lot that has trash cans available, you might be an asshole.

If you wear sunglasses inside even though you have no eye problems or medical reason to do so, you might be an asshole.

If you never say “please” “thank you” or “excuse me” you might be an asshole.

If you push the “disabled button” on a door going into a store and you aren’t disabled, you might be an asshole.

If you walk into a store and stop right there holding the door open while looking to see what they have and there are people standing behind you trying to get into the store, you might be an asshole.

If you are climbing the stairs of an escalator even though there are also stairs that you could have taken, you might be an asshole.

If you’re standing in line at a fast food place and when you finally get up to the counter and are asked what you would like you finally look up at the menu and say “Uhhhhh … Let me see what you’ve got,” you might be an asshole.

If you text people while the movie is running in the theater, you might be an asshole.

If you randomly add a pic of a really hot chick just to get a few extra cheap hits on your blog posts, you might be an asshole.

If you walk around with a scowl on your face and never smile and say “Hola” to people, you might be an asshole.

If you refuse to let anyone use your bar of soap, you might be an asshole.

If you are talking on your cell phone while going through the checkout at the store, you might be an asshole.

If you are consistently late to meetings or social outings, you might be an asshole.

If you try to get on an elevator, bus or train before others can get off, you might be an asshole.

If you sit in your car in front of an apartment building with the stereo blasting away AND/OR constantly revving the engine, you might be an asshole.

If your kid is screaming and crying or running around bothering other people in a restaurant or other public place, you might be an asshole.

If you don’t put the shopping cart in the cart corral or take it back into the store, you might be an asshole.

If you turn left from the right turn lane (or right from the left turn lane), you might be an asshole.

If you don’t cover your mouth when you cough, sneeze or yawn in public, you might be an asshole.

Okay, there are a bunch of good examples of assholism. I’m sure there are hundreds more, so feel free to leave some others in the comment section if you like. And anyone who doesn’t comment (or listen to I’m With Stupid Podcast) is definitely a gaping asshole!


22 comments:

Mike said...

Trying to just find the auto play music player so I can turn it off drives me nuts.

David Lawrence said...

What about riding a motorcycle in the rain?

Anonymous said...

While reading this, I found myself secretly hoping with each example that I might be an 'asshole.' Then, I finally had my chance by not commenting and I screwed that up too! Haha. -Missy

eViL pOp TaRt said...

Jay -- Try this You Tube song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZz2qlKeAJk

I'm With Stupid said...

What if a person knows that they are an asshole and delights in that fact? Does that make him an Uber-Asshole? I'm asking for a friend. Cheers!!

Matt-Man

Angie Schleicher said...

I'm pretty sure that delighting in one's own assholeism is just cause for declaration of uber-assholeism. In fact, I think the doctor can prescribe something for that...

Dana said...

If you are climbing the stairs of an escalator even though there are also stairs that you could have taken, you might be an asshole.

Really? Now see, I think that is EFFICIENCY! The most efficient way to get from point A to point B. It's those who just stand on the escalator, in the middle of the step, who might be an asshole. If you are standing still move to the left so that those of us who are efficient can pass on the left!

Knight said...

Yeah, what Dana said!

If you loudly and constantly whistle little ditties in public, you might be an asshole.

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: Oh yeah! If your player is hard find then you are a double asshole.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

David: That actually sounds adventurous. Also, eliminates the need for a shower.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Pop Tart: Anything with a ukulele is great!

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Matt-Man: Yes.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Angie: I agree. But, I think that drug isn't covered by most prescription plans cause nobody seems to take it. ha

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Dana: No, it's rude. There are stairs so just use those. Walking up the escalator just disrupts the natural order of things.

Also, people should stay on the right. This is America. ;-)

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Knight: Any whistling that isn't a wolf whistle followed by "Yo Baby! What's cooking, good lookin'? is unacceptable.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Missy: You know babe, some people just aren't assholes. Instead they're like really cool. Maybe you're one of those NON-asshole types. It's nothing to be ashamed of though. ;-)

Jay

David Lawrence said...

Yeah Missy your cool I'm an asshole and I never see you at the meetings

Jo said...

I lost track of my score.

I climb the escalator but I have a no-passing rule. The bigger issue is people who stand on the step just below yours, instead of skipping one, so they're RIGHT THERE. And sometimes they sniff you.

I've never seen anyone just stand at the entrance to a store looking around, but it's really funny!

Gnetch said...

You forgot:

>If you copy my drawings and not credit it to me...
>If you tag me on FB to let me know that you updated your "about me" page on your blog...
>If you poke me on Facebook just because FB suggested it...
>If you start following AND spamming all the people I am subscribed to on YouTube about your own channel...

You might be an asshole.

Wait. These are my issues. With someone. Damn, I have issues. Haha!

I'm With Stupid said...

David: Yeah, Missy isn't part of the Assholes Anonymous group.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Jo: I have a thing about personal space too. If a person stands too close to me in line I'm liable to elbow them by accident and claim I have flashbacks to my basketball playing days. Also, staying two steps behind a hot chick allows for a great view. ha! ;-)

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Gnetch: Dang, you do have a lot of issues. Good thing I haven't gotten on your bad side yet. At least, not that I know of. ;-p

Jay