Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Thuggin' It with Bryce Firestone IV

What is up..?  And word to you urban sprayers of paint, and collectors of beer cans, and “down with it” baubles.

My name is Bryce Firestone IV, and I am the official ne’er-do-well type thug of I’m With Stupid.

Don’t allow my deaf jam, yet finely coiffed, and well-appointed good looks fool you.  I am down with the thuginization of America and her hip hop, gangster sub-culture.

I am here to let you know that I, Bry-Fi as my posse calls me, am such a damn thug, that I make the photog that The Biebs pummeled upon, seem like the guy who got Britney Spears drunk and still was cohabitationally rebuked from her ubiquitous vagina.

Anyway, or as I say on the mean, yet artfully landscaped boulevards of Pepper Pike, Ohio…

“Listen upward my raw, yet cherished blokes and mates!!”

I, this past Saturday, graduated from Orange High School, which is one of the premier public High Schools in the United States.

Sure, my less than adequate, yet more than fiducially capable mother and father, wanted me to attend a private secondary educational facility, but I said unto them in the summer of 2008...

“I break dance with the ones who sat with me in the limo; I want to continue to immerse my gray matter in proximity of my posse of Jared, Evan, and Danforth.”

My years in school have been beyond compare.

Beginning with my first step into Moreland Hills Elementary School at age six, until I, with nobility and a menacing, thug-like fashion, at the age of eighteen, walked across the stage of Orange High School in order to collect my High School diploma, have always been known as, “the cool guy.”

The ladies love my Adonis-like body and my Ovid-like oratory, while the men respect and envy, my dastardly Cassanova-type charades and devil-may-care, Churchilian hi-jinx.

Ha…What’s a thug life lover like me to do?  I’ll tell you what.

My mother and father wanted to buy me a Volvo XC60 for graduation.  Ha, I and my thug lifestyle said to the parental units…

“If you loved me, you would buy your favorite progeny and thug something a little less Neil Patrick Harris, and a little more Charles Sheen.”

Who won that debate?  Yours truly…Bry-Fi.

The Bry-Meister is now tooling around the mean streets of Pepper Pike, Ohio in a bad arsed, SAAB 95.  I am the Wayne Newton of Northeast Ohio, my friends.

I am Bry-Fi…King Thug.

And to put an exclamation point on my living on the edge behavior?

My mother, father, and grandfather wanted to send me to their alma mater, Ohio Wesleyan.  Ha!!

Those Methodists have no madness going on.  So…

I am going to grunge it out and thug it out the only way I know, and that is to matriculate at a Lutheran school and wear an off the rack suit while doing so.

You see...ever since Martin Luther, those Lutherans have been off the hook!!

Wittenberg University here I come, and listen Mom, Dad, and Grandfather…

I know you want me to major in Finance and minor in Banking, but my thug lifestyle and spirit won’t allow me to do that.

My free spirit is calling upon me, Bry-Fi, to major in Micro-Economics and minor in Macro-Economics.


See what I did there with the irony of my major and minors?  I truly am a hilarious, randy thug of shall we say, unmarried morality.

Oh Boyz in the Hood!!  My SAAB 95, my bad arsed thuggery, and my off the rack suit, so disavow you relics. So bring on the Lutheran lifestyle, and bring on the thug that is Bry-Fi.



I'm With Stupid said...

What a bad ass this dude is. I think I'm in love.

Also, when he got in that Saab and started it up this is the song that was blasting away on the stereo ...


I'm With Stupid said...

Jay: Ha...Yes it is, but it's the version done by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Cheers Jayman!!


Anonymous said...

Haha, Bryce is a thug?? Kinda like Mary Theresa being a whore... ~Miss

I'm With Stupid said...

Miss: Or as much of thug as Sean Hannity is a "journalist". Cheers Miss!!


Katy Anders said...

BryFi be keeping it real.

I bet he has a deviant tattoo somewhere we can't see.

I'm With Stupid said...

Katy: It's probably a sexy tattoo of an abacus or a bottle of domestic wine. Cheers Katy!!


Jo said...

These types are always closet-sociopaths whose voices still crack at age 25.

Beth said...

Hey! I sell passports to that school! Now this dude is really bling, or something;)

I'm With Stupid said...

Jo: I know, and it doesn't end at 25. There's a 50 something year old Bry-Fi type that comes through the Beer Mine regularly. Creepy. Cheers Jo!!


I'm With Stupid said...

Beth: I'm sure his is in a dumpster somewhere on the lowly middle income side of Pepper Pike. Cheers Schmoop!!