Hola! Well, another celebrity has died unexpectedly (kinda) and once again it has been fascinating to pop some popcorn, open a beer and just sit back and watch Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook lose their collective shit. It’s fast becoming my favorite activity. I almost wish a celebrity would die every week just so I could enjoy the reaction. But, that would make me a bad person, so I don’t. Okay, how ‘bout every two weeks?
Anyway, when things like this happen, I’ve found that most people fall into one or more of several categories…
1. The Biggest Fan: This is the person, usually a girl, who does the “You guys just don’t understand how much I loved *insert name of recently deceased celebrity here*. I was sooooo much more of a fan than you were.”
2. The “Who” Guy: This is the guy who retweets the breaking news announcement with a dismissive “Who?” He’s usually the guy who loves to tell everyone how he doesn’t follow any popular movies, TV shows, sports, books, music or any other pop culture, probably doesn’t own a TV and is in general just way fucking superior to you. He usually uses a Mac and does most of his online activity while squatting at Starbucks.
3. The Judgy McJudgerson: This is the guy or girl who basically makes the argument that the celebrity deserved to die because they were engaging in illegal or immoral activities. This person is not the same as, but has lots in common with…
4. The “Pathetic” Guy: This is the guy or girl who loves to mock celebrities because they’re all pathetic and are all addicted to drugs and alcohol. As if celebrities are the only people who are.
5. Sanctimonious Guy (or Girl): This is the person who is quick to post things like “Well, I’ll say a prayer for the thousands of everyday people who died today who aren’t celebrities and don’t get any publicity.” Or worse, the guy (or girl) posts that or something similar but includes a picture of flag draped coffins of soldiers who have died in battle. What’s really terrible about this person is they’re full of shit. Almost none of them have ever said a prayer for all the “regular” people who have died that day including soldiers.
6. Tweeter Guy (or Girl): This is the person who just retweets updates as they’re posted by TMZ or other Breaking News Twitter Account. Just in case others haven’t heard the latest.
7. The Always Late Guy (or Girl): This is the person who either retweets a Breaking News tweet about the celebrity’s death about 6 hours after everyone else first heard about it or just tweets “OMG! Whitney Houston Died???????” during the Grammy’s 30 hours after her death.
8. Gilbert Gottfried Wannabe: This person, usually a guy, just spends the night trying to come up with the most offensive and disrespectful jokes to make about the dead celebrity. Usually these people suck, but occasionally, they’re actually kind of funny. But, the worst of these people are the ones who take other people’s jokes they saw on Twitter and post them on Tumblr as their own. Those people deserve to die.
9. Page View and Ratings Guy: This is the guy who makes up lists about social media when celebrities like Whitney Houston die just to get page views on his blog or listens on his podcast. Man, that guy sucks.