Malcolm Eckstein Speaks

Peace, Salam, and Shalom, bitches.

Malcolm Ramadan Eckstein here for I’m Wif Stupid.

Most y’alls probably aksin yoselfs, “Who the fuck is this crazy lookin nigga?”

Well…Taint none of yo Got Damn bizzness, but I’ll tell ya anyway.

I am the new Minority Affairs Correspondent for IWS, and I am one bad ass mutha-shut your mouf.  Ha, and sheeeeet.

Seriously my bruthas and sistas…Jayman and Matt-Man hired me to cover what many of you gated community livin mo-foes refer to as, “The Section 8 News.”

On top of that, IWS had no minorities on their staff, so what wif Black History Monf comin up, they thought they’d hire one.  And wif me, they get three minorities in one…a black man who is boaf a Muslim and a Jew.

Damn right, bitches.  Sammy Davis Cyclops, Jr. can kiss his own dead ass, cuz Malcolm Ramadan Eckstein is duh Holy Trinty of American minority statusizement.

Yeah…my momma was a white Muslim named A’isha, my grow-up daddy was a black Jew named Hiram, and my biological daddy?

His name was, State of Michigan #7689125.  Man, that is one whacked name to go through life wif.

I had a pretty good life for a kid who grew up in Detroit and was facing all of the mixed marriage and fucked up religious stigmatisizers.

My momma, who was a magician, would put in eight, and sometimes twelve hours a day, performing tricks at Bailey Lounge on the corner of Livernois Ave. and Webb St.

My relatively long-term daddy who loved me and raised me, worked as a commodities broker who specialized in aluminum futures.  And dig it, he worked hard and took his job seriously.

I remember some nights he’d come home after eleben hours of workin the streets during a hot Detroit summer day, and say to Momma…

“I sweat my ass off for these alabastard Gentiles only to discover that after a long ass day of recycling their shit, aluminum is down to twenty eight cents a pound.  Oy Fucking Vay, and pass the bitter herbs, and collard greens.”

Anyway…

I am emminetsly qualified to be the IWS Minority Affairs Correspondent.

I have been on this Earf for two score and a deuce and let me tell ya…in spite of growing up in the cushy confines of one of only two, two bedroom apartments in the projects, I have cred.

I grew up worshipping Allah AND Moses.  I grew up worshipping Suzanne Somers AND Lola Falana.  I grew up worshipping, Orange Pekoe Tea AND Manischewitz.

I am the Underdog-Uber-Man, and my name be Malcolm Ramadan Eckstein.  So say it, likes ya mean it, or Malcolm cut a bitch.

And by the way…That picture of me at the top?

Jayman and Matt-Man wanted a file photo of me, but I said, “Naw, Bitches, Naw.”

That portrait of me was done in 1994 by Ray Charles, and as we can all see…

For a blind dude, Ray was one badass, brushstrokin, mutha fucka.

I’ll be seeing you again soon during Black History Monf, and remember bitches, my initials are MRE, and as any good military ho knows…

That means…Meal Ready To Eat.  Uh-huh.

Yeah I said that, 
Malcolm Ecks

Email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws