To the Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary of Burkina Faso, Mr. Paramanga Ernest Yonli…
Your Excellency,
First of all…Merry Christmas, Happy al-Hijra, and/or a Kleptocratic Kwanzaa to you and yours. And secondly, on behalf of I’m With Stupid, allow me to apologize for the hurtful remarks that my partner Jayman made toward your country on the pages of this website yesterday.
Over this past year, Jayman has taken a disliking to the entire country of Burkina Faso, and your nation has become one of the things of which he has simply had enough.
While I, being a, “hate the sin and not the sinner” kind of guy who can find goodness in all, can see where Jayman is coming from, and please, on his behalf, allow me to explain.
You see…Over the course of 2011, Jayman and myself have spoken out for your country on this website and on our radio show.
We praised your country, a bit part actor of the international community theater, in hopes of seeing your landlocked African nation-state one day step into and bask in the warm glow of the spotlight upon the world stage.
Jayman and I lauded your country for months and what did we get for our actions? Heartache, and even worse?
We were ignored by you, President Blaise Compaor’e, and most importantly…by the inhabitants of, “The Land of Upright People.”
Much like the rains fall from May through September upon your fertile lands in the south, our tears streamed down our cheeks upon the savannahs of our souls.
We became like two orphaned wildebeest crying out for their mother during the oft time unforgiving nights under a Saharan moon. You ignored our good works. And Jayman? He felt betrayed. However…
As I am the diplomat of the two, what with my subtle and carefully chosen way with words, I am here to make amends and rebuild that bridge between us that has burned just as your lush, savannah grasses do when the harmattan kicks up.
Your Excellency, I am writing this letter in order to extol your virtues as a nation and as a people.
I find it completely awesome that in 2005, the World Health Organization reported that unlike in previous years, only 72.5% of your girls and women were the subject of female genital mutilation. Those chicks may not be able to produce babies in the future, but you guys are making baby steps toward the 21st Century!!
And dig it, I know that you wanted to have a 26% literacy rate by 2008, but didn’t quite make that goal. Don’t fret about that; it’s all good. I know that if we pitted you guys against the people from Togo, and our own state of Mississippi in a game of JEOPARDY, you’d give em’ a run for their money.
And listen…I know the press can be a hassle, what with calling for more freedoms and what not. I am glad to see that you are killing fewer journalists than you have in past years, ‘cause I know the kind of restraint that takes.
Hell, for years I have wanted to perform a little female genitalia mutilation on Sean Hannity with my left foot. But like me, you have taken the high dirt road.
Anyhoo…I hope we understand each other now. I think you know that we have your back, but c’mon…
We have done and continue to do, all this promotion for your country…It’s time that you throw Jayman and I a bone.
And no, I’m not talking about the one in your nose.
Show us some love dammit…because if you don’t?
We’ll be more than happy to contact the French Embassy and see if they wouldn't mind taking over your country once again.
And seriously, who the Hell would want that?
Cheers!!
Matt-Man
e-mail: neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter: @mattmaniws
Your Excellency,
First of all…Merry Christmas, Happy al-Hijra, and/or a Kleptocratic Kwanzaa to you and yours. And secondly, on behalf of I’m With Stupid, allow me to apologize for the hurtful remarks that my partner Jayman made toward your country on the pages of this website yesterday.
While I, being a, “hate the sin and not the sinner” kind of guy who can find goodness in all, can see where Jayman is coming from, and please, on his behalf, allow me to explain.
You see…Over the course of 2011, Jayman and myself have spoken out for your country on this website and on our radio show.
We praised your country, a bit part actor of the international community theater, in hopes of seeing your landlocked African nation-state one day step into and bask in the warm glow of the spotlight upon the world stage.
Jayman and I lauded your country for months and what did we get for our actions? Heartache, and even worse?
We were ignored by you, President Blaise Compaor’e, and most importantly…by the inhabitants of, “The Land of Upright People.”
Much like the rains fall from May through September upon your fertile lands in the south, our tears streamed down our cheeks upon the savannahs of our souls.
We became like two orphaned wildebeest crying out for their mother during the oft time unforgiving nights under a Saharan moon. You ignored our good works. And Jayman? He felt betrayed. However…
As I am the diplomat of the two, what with my subtle and carefully chosen way with words, I am here to make amends and rebuild that bridge between us that has burned just as your lush, savannah grasses do when the harmattan kicks up.
Your Excellency, I am writing this letter in order to extol your virtues as a nation and as a people.
I find it completely awesome that in 2005, the World Health Organization reported that unlike in previous years, only 72.5% of your girls and women were the subject of female genital mutilation. Those chicks may not be able to produce babies in the future, but you guys are making baby steps toward the 21st Century!!
And dig it, I know that you wanted to have a 26% literacy rate by 2008, but didn’t quite make that goal. Don’t fret about that; it’s all good. I know that if we pitted you guys against the people from Togo, and our own state of Mississippi in a game of JEOPARDY, you’d give em’ a run for their money.
And listen…I know the press can be a hassle, what with calling for more freedoms and what not. I am glad to see that you are killing fewer journalists than you have in past years, ‘cause I know the kind of restraint that takes.Hell, for years I have wanted to perform a little female genitalia mutilation on Sean Hannity with my left foot. But like me, you have taken the high dirt road.
Anyhoo…I hope we understand each other now. I think you know that we have your back, but c’mon…
We have done and continue to do, all this promotion for your country…It’s time that you throw Jayman and I a bone.
And no, I’m not talking about the one in your nose.
Show us some love dammit…because if you don’t?
We’ll be more than happy to contact the French Embassy and see if they wouldn't mind taking over your country once again.
And seriously, who the Hell would want that?
Cheers!!
Matt-Man
e-mail: neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter: @mattmaniws
6 comments:
We will see how this all plays out. If it weren't for Matt-Man's convincing me to be reasonable, I would have switched our allegiance to Kiribati.
Jay
Jay: Your humility that allows you to step back and take a second look at things has always impressed me. Cheers Jayman!!
Matt-Man
That's it! I'm moving, and leaving you to answer the door to this current situation;)
Beth: What the? Are you seeing visions of a Burkina Faso hit squad? Chicken. Cheers Schmoop!!
Matt-Man
Is Burkina Faso the country with blood diamonds? Or might that be blood goats?
Mike: There's not much of anything other than heartache in Burkina Faso. Cheers Mike!!
Matt-Man
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