Sunday, November 6, 2011

The Art of Low Expecations

Hola Bitches! One of the few things in my life that I have actually committed myself to is making sure that I keep expectations of me and others low. I do this because I hate letting people down. Also, I like to keep my life as simple as possible.

There’s actually an art to this. I want to keep expectations low, but I don’t want people to think I’m a total fuck up or anything. A loser is okay. But, being a fuck up is unacceptable. So, there’s a line I have to be careful not to cross.

I started my life of Low Expectations in college. I always liked to miss the first week of each semester. Then I would come strolling in on week two and tell the instructor I had planned on dropping the class but “it didn’t work out.” There wasn’t much they could do about it other than be pissed. But, it did set the tone for the rest of the semester.

When I meet someone for the first time, the first thing they will notice is my “Modern Homeless” fashion style. This is a very strategic move on my part. You’re not shocked by a guy wearing an old, cheap t-shirt and jeans having a lack of social skills. And, I make sure it isn’t too long before I say something inappropriate or offensive. The longer I wait the worse it will be, so sometimes I just get it out of the way immediately.

This plan works when I meet someone online too. An example would be if I’m playing Words With Friends against a chick and she plays a word I can make a sexual joke about. Say she plays the word “oven.” I might message her and say “Oh yeah! I’d like to preheat your oven babe.” Sure, that makes no sense, but that’s part of why it works.

Another example would be right after adding a much younger woman as a friend on Facebook, I might go and “Like” each and every one of her pics of herself on there. I always make sure to do it at around 3 am on a weekend night/morning. This cranks up the creepy factor. Of course, sometimes I run into babes who just refuse to be creeped out no matter what I do. Eventually, I give up and start acting like a normal person when that happens.

A great benefit of this is people rarely ask me for advice, and when they do, they do it only once. I’m careful not to give advice that will result in someone getting emotionally or physically hurt, but I make sure people realize asking me was a bad idea. They usually respond to me by saying “Uh, yeah. Okay, thanks. I’ll think about it and try to figure what I want to do.” When they give me that line, I know it’s no longer my problem and not to worry about it.

And of course, this system works beautifully for most employment situations. It’s important to get off to a good start at a new job, but you don’t want it to be TOO good of a start. If you’re working at a manufacturing job, check out what the quota is and hover around it each day. Never exceed it by a lot. Make sure your average is slightly above, but don’t get them to thinking you can do a lot more. You’ll pay for that dearly. Hell, asking your new boss “What’s the minimum I can do and still get buy?” isn’t really a bad idea. Much like missing the first two weeks of class, it lets the person in charge know where both of you stand.

In addition to keeping other’s expectations of me low, I like to keep my expectations of other people and life in general low. If I have something big planned, I fully expect something to come up and ruin it. I’m genuinely surprised each morning when my car starts because I’ve convinced myself it is about to crap out at any moment. Each day that doesn’t happen, is a happy day. And when I check to see who has unfollowed me on various social networking sites and just as with the car, I’m shocked when no one has.

Again, this works with pretty much anything. If you read my tweets during Arkansas football games, you would think the Hogs were winless on the season instead of being 7-1 and ranked #8 in the BCS. It’s just the best way I’ve found to get through life. Keep expectations low and I’ll never disappoint anyone, or be disappointed by anyone. It works for me.



Lisa (Tantra Flower) said...

I see you differently.

Very funny piece though. x

Mike said...

You can never have enough creepy factor. It keeps people on their toes.

Hey, I noticed you haven't changed the towels in your bathroom for awhile.

I'm With Stupid said...

I used to be quite the optimist until I began associating with you. You tempered my optimism, however I do not go through life with low expectations...I simply have no expectations. Cheers Jayman!!


I'm With Stupid said...

Lisa: And by "differently" you mean "I expect less of you" right? ;-)


I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: Very true. And I just ooze creepy.


I'm With Stupid said...

Matt-Man: Having no expectations is the ultimate goal.


A Beer for the Shower said...

You are my damn hero. I swear by this, nay, I live by this.

When I was at my last job, life was so cushy because of this. I found the EXACT amount of work I had to complete to look good. And it turns out that workload, which meant 4 hours of Facebook surfing/youtube videos of people getting hit in the nuts, was leaps and bounds above the morons I worked with, so I looked like a super star. Now, imagine if I had made the mistake of going full throttle right out the gates... they'd expect that shit every day! The nerve! What is this, some kind of JOB?

Knight said...

This act of yours isn't working on me. You think I'm full of it but the second I have to go to Arkansas for any reason I'll be on your doorstep. I know you won't open the door but I have a plan for that as well. I'll just have a pizza delivered and hide until the door is open. You know it will work. Who's creepy now?

Gnetch said...

I'm not the only one who refuses to get creeped out, am I? No. Seriously.

Hey, you're still wearing your Rebecca Black shirt. You've been wearing that for a month now.

Not that I watch you everyday but...

I'm With Stupid said...

Beer: Exactly! You've got the system figured out. You don't have to be the best worker, just above average. That's all they should expect from you.


I'm With Stupid said...

Knight: That is damn creepy! And creepy is sexy! And so are you! Sexy I mean. Not really creepy. Well, you're sexy creepy, not scary creepy. Sexy creepy is a good thing.

Also, I'll give you a key to my place. Come on over anytime. ;-)


I'm With Stupid said...

Gnetch: You're the only person I ever just gave up trying to creep out. You won that battle. Oh I'm still going to do and say creepy things, they'll just happen naturally now instead of my trying to be creatively creepy.

Also, as much as I love Rebecca, I'm going to switch to wearing a "Justin Bieber is My Baby Daddy" t-shirt.


Steve Bailey said...

I had such low expectations for this post....... and it was actually pretty good.... Im gonna make sure I "like it" and check out some more of your blog tonight around three in the morning... naked! Till then....

I'm With Stupid said...

Steve: And you know what? While you're naked and checking out my blog, I'll be naked too. Oh yeah!