Monday, October 17, 2011

Trouble in Amish Paradise

Hello thee…Your favorite joke telling, Amish girl, Hannah Stoltzfus here for I’m With Stupid.

Seems we have some Amish bitterness going on here in Holmes County Ohio. Yes, indeedly.

A leader of a breakaway Amish sect lookeths down upon our traditional Amish grooming habits and has begun to wield what I call…The Scissors of Satan.

You see, we Amish, once we are married, allow our to hair growwwww…lonnnnnnnng.

Amish husbands let their beards grow until they look like Chaz Bono’s armpits and we nuptialized Amish women let our hair grow longer than the nether region follicles on Rosie O’Donnell’s private place.

Well thee, the leader of the breakaway sect and his followers don‘t appreciate that, and have been riding around on horses and doing trot-by hair cuttings on some of our flock.

No cow dung my friends, they are forcibly holding down married Amish men and women and shearing off our annoyingly long beards and floor sweeping length hair.

It’s as if Edward Scissorhands smoked some crack, rented a mule, and went on a sixty Mennonite hair removal rampage.

We are distressed…and some of us, sadly, are de-tressed. Hee.

The irony of the entire situation is that the name of the leader of the breakaway, hair hating group is…

Sam MULLET

Ha!! While I am but a simple Amish girl in danger of losing my beautiful hair to a rouge, misguided man, with a frenetic pair of Fiskars, I find that fucking funny. Oh my…

God forgiveth me for my foul mouth.

The entire situation really is terrible, but perhaps not for the reasons you would think. Here’s the thing…

Mullet Man being Amish, does not use electric powered beard trimmers and clippers. He unfortunately remains true to his Amish dogma during his heretictrolysis and utilizes solar powered instruments.

Last week, while performing a forcible shorning on my cousin Ezekiel, God’s Heavens turned cloudy, the clippers died, and Ezzy ended up looking like he had been shaved by Stevie Wonder.

It…was…gruesome.

Anywayeth…

I hope these trot-by shavings stop, because if we Amish lose our cool, trademark look of long hair and long beards, thee will come to realize that we are nothing more than a bunch of losers selling over-priced string cheese, and kitschy shit out of an off-the-beaten-path, convenience store.

And if that were to happen, it would give me, as Jayman and Matt-Man say on the radio which I don’t listen to, Heartache.

God Bless Thee, and here’s to long beautiful hair (sorry Matt-Man),

Hannah

As I don't have internet access, please direct all inquiries to Matt-Man @:

http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

10 comments:

I'm With Stupid said...

That story is pretty hilarious. The "Amish Taliban" going around cutting the hair and beards of Amish men who aren't Amish enough.

That's awesome.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Jay: I know...Next thing you know they'll being growing poppies and killing female babies, for they are a burden. Cheers Jay!!

Matt-Man

jack mehoff said...

i love how you take on persona's - great concept - funny as dung.

jesus that lil bitch is creepy lookin aint she?

I'm With Stupid said...

Jack: Take on different personas? Hannah is right here, right here, in a box, sucking on a piece of manna. Cheers!

Matt-Man

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

Hannah is seriously creepy looking the poor thing. But I understand her concern over Mullet Man. And Hannah is sportin' a mullet herself so I understand she could be next.

It could be worse. She could have Clinton Kelly show up at her door from What Not To Wear - i'm sure he'd give her a good talkin' to.

I'm With Stupid said...

Peg: Up to this point I really liked you, but to say that Hannah has a mullet and imply that her looks are "unconventional"...well, you are just not very European.

Her hair is very Parisian, and her house dress is from Milan. Cheers Peg!!

Matt-Man

My 2 Pesos said...

Funny and creepy.

jack mehoff said...

so i'm chewing on the manna last night.....

Mike said...

Amish gangs doing drive by hair cutting. HEY! They're all gay hairdressers! I knew it. They're just all in a closet that they built themselves.

I'm With Stupid said...

Pesos: That pretty much describes all Amish folk. Cheers Peso!!

Jack: Ha!! Very good. Cheers Jack.

Mike: Hee...All y'all are on a roll today. God Blesseth Thou. Cheers Mike!!

Matt-Man