Thursday, October 13, 2011

Sweetest Day Gift Ideas...By Kim Fragile

Hi all you yummy, mustard dipped bratwurst boys, and you Good Ship Tuna Boat chicks out there…

Kim Fragile here for I’m With Stupid.

If you have listened to the I’m With Stupid radio show for awhile you know me, but some of you new listeners and more so, website readers may not.

As I said, my name is Kim Fragile, and that’s pronounced Frah-JEE-Lee by the way, like in Christmas Story, and yeah, most people think I am Italian because of it, but I’m not.

My heritage can be traced to parents who are a case study in matrimonial fucked-up-ness involving a nuptialized union between people of Basque and Faroe Island descent. Anyway…

Matt-Man (dickhead) and Jayman (yummy) wanted to know if I could do a post for IWS today because they are attending a, “Social Media Mogul Conference” in Paducah, KY.

I said yes, even though I know that they are both probably doing nothing more than pathetically cruising High Schools for sad, over-developed, teary-eyed 17 year old chicks in need of a date to their Homecoming Dance…Sick Fucks.

I have been with IWS since its inception in August of 2010, and have worked as a bit player, roving reporter, and company squeeze box ass model, and let me tell ya…I have cred, so let’s get to my thoughts, post haste…

Men, listen up. Saturday is Sweetest Day, so…if you are wanting a little sumpin sumpin from your woman, you best be prepared for this incredibly meaningless, shallow, and degrading “holiday”, because if you don’t…

You’ll end up feeling meaningless, shallow, and degraded, and really…

Other than when doing the walk of shame from a stranger’s apartment to your car in the parking lot at 6:30 AM on a Sunday, with hair askew, and pants on backward, that’s no way to go through life. Trust me on that.

So guys, go out today whether you have a “sweetest” or not, and get some gifts.

Be a Boy Scout about this and be prepared in case your special, beanie wearin’ Brownie needs a little coaxing or you go to a bar and meet a buxom 38 year old Girl Scout who is on the fence about selling you her box o’cookies.

Personally, I like traditional gifts…Flowers, candy…edible underwear, but I also like to be surprised.

A couple years ago, Jayman and Matt-Man got together and bought me a two hour date with Tom Cruise through a charity auction, and I had a blast.

I spent my 120 minutes with Mr. Top Gun at his apartment and we traded lingerie stories, noshed on scrambled eggs and celery with cream cheese served by his man-servant Brice, and all the while danced together as I flicked my cigarette ashes into the ashtray precariously nestled atop his cute, little head.

It was sweet…and that is what Sweetest Day is all about. Sometimes though, Sweetest Day gifts miss the mark.

You see…

A year after that, our IWS correspondent Guy Ahnyurdyck bought me a night out with that midget who was in the Austin Powers movies. It was a nice thought, but the diminutive fucker spent the entire night dancing on my sofa, and it was Tom Cruise all over again.

Been there Guy, and thanks for the thought, but I’ll never be having sex by playing a game of, Oprah and the Vertically Challenged Actor.

I guess my point is this…Women suck. They’re greedy. They’re selfish. And…They expect to be put on a pedestal, so guys…

This Saturday on Sweetest Day put them on a pedestal, get them drunk, and spin them ‘round til’ they puke. Then you can clean it up, and if they remember it, they’ll go, “awwwwwww, my hero.” ‘Cause you see…

Besides being some of the meanest, self-serving people on earth, many women are also stupid.

This is Kim Fragile saying Happy Sweetest Day, and I’m off to have a three way with Mimi Rogers and Nicole Kidman, because God knows Tom Cruise never had sex with ‘em. Dumb Fuck.

If you want to reach me, or ask me out, contact Matt-Man @:

http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

20 comments:

My 2 Pesos said...

Women don't suck, they're hot. :D

I'm With Stupid said...

Pesos: Often that is true, and sometimes, women are at their hottest when sucking, Cheers Pesos!!

Matt-Man

Beth said...

Ha! Kim is so right, and not to mention a wonderful, caring human being;) Oh, and she's hot too.

I'm With Stupid said...

Beth: Indeed she is, in fact I am going to take her advice and spin you 'round and 'round this weekend until you puke. Cheers Schmoop!!

Matt-Man

MysteryChick said...

What is this sweetest day you speak of? Sounds made up to me.

Kim sounds like she may need a visit or two to anger management therapy. Either that or she has PMS.

I'm With Stupid said...

Just another day when the sad and lonely women will have to send something to themselves while at work to make the other women think they're not sad and lonely. Cause women love to go up tot he one who didn't get anything and rub it in while pretending to care.

Jay

jack mehoff said...

bitches are shallow

but they have all the goods

and the wheel in the sky keeps on turnin'

I'm With Stupid said...

Chick: You are dead-on about Kim, she has more issues than a magazine stand, but just like you, she's HOT. Cheers Chick!!

Jay: Ha...That is soooo true. Sad, but true, and well...damn funny. Cheers Jayman!!

Matt-Man

I'm With Stupid said...

Jack: Ha...You should have called in when we did Poetry Night on I'm With Stupid a couple of weeks ago. Cheers Jack!!

Matt-Man

A Beer for the Shower said...

I love that term, good ship tuna boat chick. Consider it stolen. Also, Tom Cruise runs a lot in his movies because he's trying to run away from his gay thoughts. Thank Family Guy for that one.

I'm With Stupid said...

Beer: Steal it all you want, but keep in mind, the stench comes with the phrase, and tuna boat chicks here in Bagwine, Ohio really like to live up to their name. Whew. Cheers Beer!!

Matt-Man

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