Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Herman Cain Sexual Harassment Charges: A Victim of High-Tech Wenching Lynching

Hi, and 9-9-9 to you'se all…

GOP Presidential hopeful Herman Cain here to give you the 4-1-1 on reports that I sexually harassed a couple of ho’s while I was top dawg of the National Restaurant Association in 1998.

Now listen, I didn’t harass nobody.

If I said something such as…

“Hey Uz-Beki-Beki, let’s get together and have some sexy-sexy.” or…

“Yo Deep Dish, come up to my hotel room, and I’ll show you my, 9-9-9.”…or

“Pan down Chippy, you’re in the restaurant biz; so serve me. I’m Herman Cain, Bitch!!”,

To all of you'se sleazy ho-bags, and Herman-Haters...

I'm tellin' you'se, that weren’t a case of me harassin’; it was just another instance of Herman being Herman. Shit.

And lookit…

I am a married man.  I am a deeply religious man. I am a man who lives by the Word of God, AND…have been recorded singing Old Rugged Cross and negro type spirituals.

Do I sound like the type of man who would go all Nebucannever on folks, piss all over the Holy Baby Jesus, and get all up in the ass of a woman who wasn't matrimonialized to me? 

Word.

Hell…If you'se want to get superficial wif it, do I even LOOK like a sexual harasser?

Does my Chief Adviser, Mark Block look like a harasser?


Uh-huh, I don't think so…Go preach that fact about Herman to the mainstream media…and while you’re at it, preach it to your mama…especially if your mama be livin' in Iowa n' shit.

You know? I find it ironical, that this story broke on October 31st.

No, not because of Halloween, but because on October 31, 1517, Martin Luther protested against the salaciousness and indulgences of the Catholic Church by nailing his almost legible 95 Theses to a telephone pole.

An today, my friends...I am those 95 Theses that were nailed to the telephone pole, lo those many years ago.

I am The Political Reformation, and much like the parchment that Luther wrote upon, I have been slandered and am left bleeding on a telephone pole…or was it a May Pole? Maybe I am merely bleeding in the polls. Fuck.

But let me tell you'se all, don't abandon THE Herman Cain during these dark times or you could end up with this freak show as your GOP nominee...


What the hell was that?  Did someone stick a douche full of vinegar and stupid juice up Rick Perry's ass before he gave that speech in New Hampshire this past weekend?  

Lord Almighty, that is one fucked up honkie.  Amen, and True Dat!!

Anyways…Let me justify, testify, and delegitimize these allamagations and put your minds to rest…

These reported charges of my libido going all atomic wif these chicks are unfounded. Listen…

These chicks were given a goodly sum of money to shut their pie holes and walk away after their outrageous charges of me soliciting them in an improper manner.

Lord Almighty, if I had truly solicited those ho’s, it would have been those human mattresses paying ME off.

After all…

I’m Herman Cain, Bitches…and I gots the 9-9-9. Peace Out.


If you’d like to offer moral support, and/or donate to the Herman Cain 2012 campaign, contact Matt-Man @:

14 comments:

Max Evels World said...

His jobs plan includes putting people back to work for Papa Johns Pizza. Thanks Herman !

I'm With Stupid said...

Max: You say that like it's a bad thing...Pizza is to Americans like breadfruit is to Tahitians. Cheers Max!!

Matt-Man

Mike said...

Your the best of the lot Herman. .... My God.....

Steve Bailey said...

Herman Cain is quite the foreplay-er.... just sayin..


Sincerely,
Someone who humped Herman Cain

My 2 Pesos said...

I want a pizza...

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: He's THE Man, and is going to lead us to the Promised Land, Mike. Cheers!!

Matt-Man

I'm With Stupid said...

Steve: Foreplayer with nine cubed. He's got it all. Cheers and thanks for the comment.

Matt-Man

I'm With Stupid said...

Pesos: And seriously...who doesn't want a pizza? Cheers Pesos!!

Matt-Man

I'm With Stupid said...

Love the Herminator. Can't wait to hear the details of this and I'm hoping he was really creative and it wasn't just some basic "Nice shoes, wanna fuck?" boring type harassment.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Jay: Yeah, I appreciate creativity in one's come-ons and harassing filthy talk. Cheers Jayman!!

Matt-Man

Gorilla Bananas said...

Lord Almighty, that is one fucked up honkie

Only a certified Uncle Tom would think God is a honkie. Anyway, didn't Bill Clinton make all this shit legal?

Leigh Anne said...

This post? Is genius. I'm sure Mr. 9-9-9 will be hitting up your phone any minute now with a campaign job offer.

I'm With Stupid said...

Gorilla: I think it was Thomas Jefferson who made all this shit legal, ironically enough. Cheers Gorilla!!

Matt-Man

I'm With Stupid said...

Leigh Anne: Why thank ya Leigh Anne. If Herman calls upon me to serve...serve I shall. Cheers!!

Matt-Man