Easy, Last Minute Halloween Costumes for the Man Who Has Nothing

Cheers Chuckleheads, and...

In case you were nursed on thalidomide instead of Similac like one of my brothers, you have probably forgotten that Halloween is this weekend, and are in need of a last minute costume to wear to the parties tonight and tomorrow.

No fears…The Matt-Man has you covered with some really awesome, last-minute Halloween costume ideas.

Of course it’s easy for a woman to come up with a last-minute costume. Hell, they can just throw on a bra, a skirt, and a gallon of perfume and go as a hooker, or do what IWS’s friend, Tiffy Crack deVille did…

A couple of felt arachnids strategically placed upon her nipples, and voila, she is, Spider Woman!!

Or even more basic, just do what our IWS Correspondent Kim Fragile did last year…Take off your bra, throw on a leather jacket, and go as, Eeeeeeeeeezy Ridah…

Women have it made, however, do not fret my good men of the male persuasion, give me five minutes and I’ll help you out.

Last year, I was notified by the IWS Marketing Department that I was to appear at a Halloween party to help benefit St. Rita’s School for the Deaf, Dumb, and Guilted.

What better way to celebrate both Halloween and Catholicism than by grabbing a piece of construction paper, a Sharpie, and dressing like Pope Benedict XVI!?

Have a pair of sunglasses, White-Out, and a red marker? You’re good to go. Check it out, just make slants on your glasses with the White-Out, apply blotches to your face with the red marker, and look…

You are now, Hee So Glo, former Head Janitor at the Fukushima Nuclear Power Plant. Or…

If you prefer the Chinks to the Nips, use the same glasses with the applied White-Out, don a silk robe, and Abwacadabwa…

You now, Hu Hefnorrrrr, CEO and editor of China’s number one men’s magazine…Prayboy.

Make sure you tell the other guests what all it took for you to get Rindsay Rohan to do spwead for yu. Ha-ho…

A couple of year’s ago, I hadn’t been invited to any Halloween parties and was headed out to eat by myself at the counter at Waffle House to enjoy some hash browns and heartache when the phone rang, and on the other end was an invite to a party. 

I had ten minutes…tops.

So…

I grabbed a bottle of booze, dyed my hair, scribbled some unreadable, poorly written dialogue onto seven pieces of paper, threw on a sweater that was really ugly, and lo and behold…

I was Ernest Hemingway…The resemblance is un-fucking-canny, is it not? Of course, you could always do the following as well…

When Halloween is over and your friends ask you why you didn’t show up for the Halloween bash, you can always respond…

“I was there.” and they’ll reply…

“You were? I didn’t see you?” To which you say…

“That’s because I came as The Invisible Man.”

Trick-or-Treat, Bitches, and make sure to join Jayman and me on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio Saturday at 6:30 PM EDT, as we celebrate Halloween. It’s going to be spooktacular.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS