Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Life Lessons with Billy Ray Chambers

Hi all you morons. Billy Ray Chambers here for I’m With Stupid and those two morons who run this freak show.

I don’t like where this country is headed, and I got a few things to say about it. You don’t have to listen, but you will, because you think I am old enough to die any second and you’re being polite. Well…

As polite as your young, punk ass face can be…Anyways…

Where is the respect for your country and yourselves? Why are there so many assholes like you pitty-pattying, here and there, with no direction in life, bums.

When I was growing up, I had direction. Every morning at five, my Pa would wake my ass up and send me to the barn to milk the goats.

Sure, the rich kids in the township would make fun of uzzins because we had goats and they had cows, but let me tell ya…Goat milk is sweeter, because they beat the shit out of ya when you milk ‘em. Makes it that much more worthwhile.

You didn’t even know that goats made milk did ya? That’s my point here…on top of being lazy, you’re stupid.

If I was to ask ya where corn comes from, you’d probably say, “A can.” Idiots.

Y’all think you’re so smart cuz you have your J-Pods and your Googles, or whatever the hell you call them, but you’re not.

You are nothing but a bunch of modern day wannabe hippies without the sex, drugs, and rock n roll those crazy bastards had at Woodstock in the 60’s.

You’re boring. In fact…You’re so boring you talk on your fancy, portable phones in public so people will think you are important.

Let me tell you…telling your baby daddy to bring home bread from the store along with his 40 of King Cobra does not make you important. The only thing it makes you is pregnant yet again the next day.

Where was I? Hell, I don’t know. I’m so stirred up about these end times that I can’t think straight, and speaking of straight, I have a question to all of you lesbanese women out there.

If you’re a woman who likes women, why the hell do you pick one that looks like a goddamn guy? Don’t make no sense atall.

And you “men” out there…

When did it become unacceptable to have a pitcher throw a baseball at your head? What? You make 80 thousand million dollars a year and you can’t take a little imprint of rawhide and catgut to the head?

Pussies. Hell if Ty Cobb were alive today, he’d beat the shit out of you sissies even if you were white. I dunno…makes no sense to me.

Anyways…I have to get on outta here for now. I buy and remodel houses and rent them out to dips shits like you, and I got a few fixer uppers I need to attend to.

I just hope half of the young, meth heads I rent to, pay me this month.



Mike said...

Hey, say hi to Boris from all of us. Haven't seen him in awhile.

Now put up the sign that says the premise is under photo survalence and start taking pictures of some cutie pies.

Beth said...

Yay Boris! He is a hoot;)

Desert Rat said...

Ha! I can totally relate to Boris! My dad was raised on a goat dairy - he's knows all about wrestling the goats to get the milking done without a well-placed hoof to the groin. Ahhhh, yes, the memories.

Boris, I'm with ya on the chin-music. Just take it, ya weenies! I mean, you're wearing a helmet, right?

IWS Radio said...

Mike: To use surveillance cameras at a business for one's own base pleasures and titillation, would be wrong. I think.

Beth: He may look like Boris Karloff, but his mind is that of Socrates.



IWS Radio said...

Rat: When you relate your goat milking stories, I envision an incredibly hot barnyard porn flick.



Jay said...

This blog has taken a decided turn towards farm animals. I hate farm animals. Well, goats are okay. They're kind of like dogs. You give them names and they'll come when you call them and they like to be scratched behind the ears and all. But, they don't fetch for shit. You throw a stick and they just look at it. Kind of stupid too. But, lovable in their own way.

Just like Billy Ray. I mean, not the stupid part. More angry than stupid. But, I'm sure he likes to get scratched behind the ears and cuddle too.


IWS Radio said...

Jay: I have it on good authority that when one rubs behind the ears of Billy Ray, his left leg does that shaking, motorcycle starter kick just like a happy dog.



Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

See what working in a service company does for ya?

IWS Radio said...

Vin: What? Making meth? Cheers!!