Monday, July 25, 2011

My Indecent Proposal...


As you probably know, last week NFL owners voted to approve their own proposal and then held a press conference celebrating the fact that they agreed with what they had agreed to propose. It was all done in an attempt to force the players to quickly agree to the deal or risk losing the PR war with the fans.

Well, this gave me a great idea. I would like to publicly announce that I have agreed to my own proposal to have sex with Mila Kunis. Below are the details of the proposal that I have very generously made to Ms. Kunis:

- Mila will be allowed to choose between a tray of Kraft sharp cheddar cheese slices, Petit Jean Mountain summer sausage and Club Crackers, or a Digioro’s thin crust pepperoni frozen pizza for dinner. Great Value Vienna Sausages will also be available for snacking purposes if needed.

- There will be the choice of Charles Shaw (AKA: Two Buck Chuck) Pinot Grigio or Franzia Sunset Blush box wine, Jose Cuervo tequila and Dos Equis beer in the fridge and ready to be consumed.

- Room will be cooled to 69° F.

- Room will be completely dark with the exception the light from my clock radio and my Batman night light.

- The five disc CD player will be loaded with Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Marvin Gaye, Al Green and Otis Redding CDs in that order and will be played from song one, disc one.

- The linens on my bed will be washed (twice) in All Allergy Free powder washing detergent and then dried using Gain fabric sheets.  They will not be placed on the bed until one hour prior to Ms. Kunis’ arrival.

- Four-play will begin at exactly 8 pm CDT and will continue until 9:03 pm CDT.

- During four-play Ms. Kunis will wear nothing but a t-shirt and thong. 

- Jayman will wear nothing but his boxers and has agreed to forgo the wearing of socks to bed. 

- After a quick potty break and the opportunity for Ms. Kunis to slam a few more tequila shots, sexual intercourse will begin at 9:17 pm CDT and will last no less than seven and no more than twenty-seven minutes. 

- After sexual intercourse has concluded there will be a period of cuddling to last between 11 and 53 minutes in which Jayman promises not to fall asleep. 

- There will be four photographs allowed. 1. Jayman and Mila embarrassing in a warm hug upon her arrival. 2. Mila sitting on Jayman’s lap with her arm around Jayman’s neck and Jayman’s right hand on Mila’s thigh. 3. Mila and Jayman engaged in a loving, passionate kiss while lying on the bed. And 4. A very special post coital bliss photo of Jayman and Mila cuddling while nekkid. 

- Jayman will be allowed to post a 500 word or less review of his night with Mila on the I’m With Stupid blog and on his Tumblr, but will use only two of the photos on each blog. 

-Jayman also agrees to not discuss the encounter with Ms Kunis on the “I’m With Stupid” internet radio show as he agrees that his partner Matt-Man lacks the social graces to treat the entire encounter with the respect it deserves. 

- Ms Kunis agrees to leave her thong and to allow Jayman to hang them from a nail above his bed. And from the rear view mirror in his car on weekends.

After reviewing this proposal thoroughly, Jayman has voted unanimously, 1-0, to approve this proposal and will begin making preparations for this wonderful event immediately upon Mila’s acceptance, which should happen promptly. 

I should warn Ms Kunis though, that failure to accept this proposal expeditiously will result very bad PR for her and could cost her a lot of her support that she currently enjoys from people throughout the world. So, it is definitely in her best interest to not let this drag out very long. 

I look forward to word of her acceptance of my proposal and promise to keep everyone updated.

 

And be sure to check out the I'm With Stupid podcast. It totally rocks!



Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

19 comments:

IWS Radio said...

This was very well thought out and seems to be an iron clad proposal, but what if Mila wants to use your soap afterwards? Cheers!!

Matt-Man

Jay said...

Matt-Man: I thought this very important issue over and have decided that it's a non-issue. She will be taking a shower by herself, so I'll just put a fresh bar of soap in there for her to use and then remove it from the shower afterwards and use my own soap. Then I'll sell the soap she used on E-Bay.

- Jay

IWS Radio said...

You are always thinking. Brilliant!! I am assuming the same goes for the towel she'll use.

Matt-Man

Rich said...

That's pretty damn good Matt. You should take up writing pre-nups.

Knight said...

On the off chance that Mila is unable to accept this proposal I would like to announce that I would gladly step in. I will bring my own soap.

Mike said...

Knight, I think you just gave Jay a heart attack.

Jay said...

Matt: I will keep the towel for myself and carry it around like a security blanket. That way I can sniff it and cuddle with it whenever I'm feeling insecure.

Rich: Are you talking about the post or Matt's comment?

Jay said...

Knight!!!! I am now officially withdrawing my proposal to Ms. Kunis and will resubmit it to you. Cause you are like ONE MILLION TIMES hotter and more awesome than her.

And after careful consideration that too exactly .00000000000000000001 nanoseconds I have unanimously voted to accept it!!

Mike: And I think you might have had one too.

Knight said...

Or, you know, if Mila wants to join that's cool too. I only have once concern, 11 to 53 minutes of cuddling without falling asleep? That only applies to you right? Really all you had to offer was the music and I was game ;)

Rich said...

@Jayman, I was talking about the post. MAtt did a great job of covering all the little nuances, just what one needs in a pre-nup. :-)

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

Rich..the post was written by Jay.

You should know that because if it had been written by Matt-Man, the cuddling time frame would have been 1 -1 1/2 minutes, not the 11 -53 minutes offered by Jay!

Jay..good that Knight jumped in because I heard the hanging the thong from the rear view mirror was a deal breaker for Mila

Rich said...

@Vinny, I should've known something was wrong...LOL! I stand corrected, next time someone I know gets married I'll shoot Jay an email. :)

Jay said...

Rich and Vinny: Another good way to know that I wrote the post is by the fact that MY NAME IS AT THE BOTTOM OF IT! hahaha ;-)

Jay said...

Knight: You are free to fall asleep at any point. Hell, we can just lay there and listen to the music all night if you want.

Also, I'm not sure I want Mila to join us. I might get ignored if that happened. LOL ;-)

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

Jay: I did not want to embarrass Rich by mentioning that fact

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