Analyzing White Male Democratic Candidate Fashion

I think the media is really sleeping on the amazing fashion show going on among the white* males who are running for the democratic nomination for president. Have you been paying attention to these guys? No? That’s probably for the best, but if you do take a little time to check them out, you will see that they have VERY different styles. Not, political style, of course. They all pretty much push the same policies. However, they have radically different ideas about fashion! Let’s see what each candidate is saying by his fashion choices.

Joe Biden: Okay, we all know Joe, right? He was vice president for eight years. He’s run for president, I don’t know, fifteen, twenty times? He was senator from the tiny state of Delaware for something like sixty years. Most importantly, Joe is cool and confident. He’s giving off that image of an elder statesman that has seen it all. Nothing's gonna rattle him. Whatever happens, day or night, Joe is calm, cool and collected. Mostly, cool.

Bernie Sanders: You might notice that Bernie quietly ditched the disheveled, “I’m too busy trying to guarantee everyone healthcare to be bothered with my appearance,” look for a more distinguished “If you think about it, I damn-near became president in 2016” look. He even threw out his Goodwill suits and bought some high quality “Leader of the Free World” suits. He’s no longer the insurgent candidate. He’s the front-runner and he’s looking the part.

Beto O’Rourke: HERE’S your insurgent look folks! Beto keeps it simple and doesn’t bother with the full suit look. He’s rockin’ the custom-fitted dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up look. This man screams “I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty and do some work for the American people.” Plus, he as the added “Hey tell your grandma to check me out. Don’t I look like Bobby Kennedy?” Vibe going.

Cory Booker: Cory has taken Beto’s jacket, but not his tie. Sen Booker wants everyone know that he’s young, casual and approachable, but ready to be serious when it’s warranted. He can whip that tie out of his jacket pocket, button up the shirt and transition into “Listen Kim Jong Un, I don’t what to have to repeat myself. I’m a serious man and I said what I said and enough of these childish fits” mode.

Pete Buttigieg: Mayor Pete wants everyone to know he’s different. He’s the only tie, but no jacket guy in the race. He’ll even roll up his sleeves about halfway up his forearms. Why not above the elbows? Because he’s a bit of tease. Pete’s look is all about being young and playful. He’s completely confident in who he is and doesn’t have to impress anyone, but still wants there to be a bit of mystery about him. And, even though you don’t see it this pic, he’s also not afraid to wear brown shoes with blue pants, and if he’s willing to take bold risks in fashion, just imagine how creative he’ll be in dealing with the housing shortage.

John Hickenlooper: The former Mayor of Denver and Governor of Colorado is more than just a funny name. He’s a funny guy. Just look at his mischievous devil-may-care grin and “I got a haircut at Super Cuts with a coupon I got in the Sunday paper” hairdo. He’s oozing folksy charm with his Rocky Mountain High shirts that he keeps casually unbuttoned at the top. He’s everyone’s favorite uncle quick with a joke and known as the family raconteur. He’s fun at parties, but tends to get cold easily hence his not rolling the sleeves up.

Alright, there you have it people. Again, don’t believe what the Fake News tells y’all about all these white* male candidates being interchangeable. As you can see, they are VERY diverse and each has his own fascinating fashion quirks. The Democratic Party, AND AMERICA are obviously in good hands with any of these fine white* men.

*Okay, Okay. You win. Yes, TECHNICALLY Cory Booker is black, but you have to admit that his fashion style is pretty white.

Jayman
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Facebook is Worried About My Social Life

Holaaaaaaaaaa friends and lovers and all the lonely people out there tonight. I’ve been noticing a trend on Facebook lately. No, not all the bitching, bragging, winning, cheap shots, lame jokes and angry status updates people are posting. Those are a given. No, I’ve noticed that Facebook is worried about me. It seems as though Facebook is worried that I’m lonely and wants to help me out.

It all started out innocently enough. Facebook thought maybe I would like to join a singles site called Zoosk. They just wanted to let me know that I don’t have to be alone. Very sweet of Facebook.

After I didn’t respond to Facebook’s offer, they decided to get a little more specific for me. Next came the Christian Singles …

I have nothing against Christians, hell I am one, but let’s just say my views are a little more moderate than what I suspect I would find at that site. Besides, I’m not a raging racist and don’t hate gay people so I think I would have a hard time finding a match.

So, Facebook gave up on that and things took a strange turn. The next item on the Love Menu was Young Women Looking for Older Men! Whoa! That escalated quickly!

While I found this to be funny, I was still not tempted to dive into the online personals world. Also, that was a little unseemly. Facebook was not to be deterred however because they clearly did their homework and hit me with something they knew I wouldn’t be able to resist ….

Okay, so they finally had my attention, but I still wasn’t sure if it would be a good idea. I would have to come up with a personal bio to post and then put together an action plan for what to do after meeting a girl online. Not to worry though, Facebook thought of that too …

Okay, flowers are always a good idea. Girls always love flowers and when you pick her up for a date giving her flowers gets things off to a nice start. Of course, I have another problem …

Right! Gotta look good for that date right! But, there’s still another problem. I’m not much on going out. I prefer a more laid back casual evening …

There we go! Dinner and a movie at home! Damn Facebook! You’ve got my whole social life all planned out! Way to go and thanks!

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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I Hate Shopping

Hola fashionistas! I really needed a pair of jeans and none are available here in town. I mean, sure we have a Penny’s and a Wal-Mart, but they don’t carry anything I like or anything that fits right. Well, Wal-Mart might but I hate Wal-Mart. So, I decided to go to Branson, MO.

My first stop: Target.

Deep in my heart I know that the jeans they carry are not going to fit right. They’re going to be uncomfortable or just look funny. But, my mind says “Give the $16.99 jeans a try. You never really know, dude.” Well, I do know and once again they didn’t have anything that fit right. So, I picked up a 7 pack of Hanes underwear and headed for the front.

As I was walking towards the front I noticed a very pleasant and attractive looking lady walking towards me. She gave me a little smile and I smiled back and said “hello” to her. She said “hello” back and then she checked out my package. I’m talking about the package of underwear I was carrying people! Sheesh! I wonder if she was checking to see if they were boxer or briefs. Maybe she was guessing one way and checking to see if she was right.

Next stop: K-Mart.

Is there a more depressing place in the world than K-Mart? People who go to Wal-Mart make fun of the people who go to K-Mart. Most department stores love to focus on profits per square foot of floor space. Hopefully K-Mart doesn’t follow this theory cause there was more open space in there than in Paris Hilton’s personal library.

Anyway, following the same crazy pipe dream that makes me check the lottery numbers even though I know I’m not going to win, I headed back to the men’s section to see what they had in the way of jeans. Because the fitting rooms are approximately 37.733 miles from the men’s dept I decided to take four pairs of jeans to try on.

There were two open dressing rooms. I inspected each of them thoroughly to see if there was a glory hole in either. Unfortunately there wasn’t so I went ahead and tried on the jeans. The first pair was tight around the waist and loose around the seat. So I folded it as neatly as it was on the shelf and set it aside. The second pair was loose around the waist and tight around the seat. I folded them nicely too. The third pair was just tight all over. I just wadded them up and tossed them aside. I decided not to bother with the other pair, but went ahead and wadded them up too just for good measure.

I walked out of K-Mart cussing under my breath. “Why can’t any of those six year old kids that are chained to their sewing machines in China make a single pair of inexpensive jeans that will fit me?? It’s all just so unfair.”

So I went to Casual Male and found a decent pair of jeans for $34.99. Not the $16.99 I was hoping for at Target or $21.99 at K-Mart. How the hell is K-Mart more expensive than Target? That makes no sense whatsoever.

Anyway, I finally got my damn jeans. Now it’s time to start drinking to forget about my horrible shopping ordeal.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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Men's Fashion Rules are Confusing

Hola fashionistas! As you probably know I’m not the most fashionable guy. Sometimes I think that I should up my game a bit and wear fancier clothes but then I think why bother? Actually, I guess should because going with the modern homeless look doesn’t exactly impress the babes.

What has brought this on you ask? Lately I’ve noticed this trend of men wearing jackets but no tie along with a dress shirt that is unbuttoned at the top.  That putz Chris Hayes is dressing this way for his new show on MSNBC and then some dude named Dave Briggs doing the same opposite the OH SO GOOD-LOOKING Thomas Roberts Wed morning.

When did this become a thing? Has it always been okay to do this? It seems a bit too casual to me. I doubt anyone wants their lawyer looking all kicked back and casual like that. Like maybe he was already done for the day at the 8 am trial or something. Same goes for your financial adviser  Tie off means he’s already called it a day and isn’t worried that the market is going down faster than Jay Leno’s ratings.

Maybe Hayes and the rest in the media are going for the “Hey, I’m just a regular guy like you” look? Best of luck with that y’all. You’re not a regular working stiff and you don’t relate to, or care about people in flyover country. I say go back to the more formal and trustworthy look of the tie and jacket. Would Walter Cronkite or Tom Brokaw go jacket and no tie? Hell no! Edward R Murrow was damn good at the loosened tie, unbuttoned shirt, no jacket look though. That totally worked for him and was an indication of how hard he went every day. Kind of like the Tony Bennett bow tie is off shirt is unbuttoned singing “I Left My Heart in San Francisco” at the end of the show look.

It’s also my understanding that while “jacket, no tie” is acceptable, “tie, no jacket” isn’t. This kind of sucks

because that’s actually MY preferred look because the jacket is usually uncomfortable and makes me too warm. It seems like if you take the jacket off AND roll up the sleeves that should be perfectly acceptable, especially in the summer.

I mean, I get that you have be careful not to do the white shirt, black tie, no jacket look. If you do that everyone will think you’re a Mormon and nobody will sit with you at lunch. So be sure to wear colors. Pink, yellow, blue, red and even lavender shirts will all reassure your coworkers and others that they can sit next to you without you trying to convert them.

Also, the Zipper Tie is perfectly acceptable right? Because if it isn’t I’ll have to reassess my position on the jacket, no tie situation. The only kind of tie I can wear is the Zipper Tie because tying a tie is like the hardest think in the history of the world.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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