Learning More About Matt-Man

Cheeeeeers Bitches!!  

This is the Matt-Man coming to you live in a literary sense, from my living room…

A place that houses my control center, the exact place where I tell women how much I love them over the internet, and the exact spot where I know that nothing good can come of my internet trangressions, but do it anyway.

Yesterday, the one and only Jayman wrote about some of his idiosyncrasies, his foibles, his weird ass habits.

In keeping with the theme he set, and more importantly, because I could not think of anything else, I shall maintain blog continuity and do the same.

I will however, do this in an un-Jayman type style…I will talk about myself in FIRST person, because, well…c’mon…I’m Matt-Man, Bitch, and as we all I know, I am the Sun and I revolve around myself.  What, wait…what?

Anyhoo…a few things you may not know about me.

I have an amazing case of OCD.  It’s not awful or anything, at least to me, but it is quite noticeable.

I like things in order.

Look at this picture of tree that I mentioned on my Facebook page the other day.

See that tree topper sticking up?  I see that every day that I walk to work, AND IT BOTHERS ME!!

Look at our cabinets…Soup, soup, bean, bean, spice, spice…It has to be laid out that way.  If it’s not, I may end up eating a can of Cream of Peas…And seriously, who wants that?

Not I, says the Matt-Man, not I.

Although I am a smoker and share the Bagwine digs with an uber-hot smoker in her own right, I am compelled to empty ashtrays if I see more than two or three butts in one.

And the pacing!!  Oh Dear God, the pacing!!  I bet I walk four miles a day in the apartment, because I think better when I pace.

I pace as I smoke.  I pace as I drink.  I pace as I talk on the phone and usually…I am doing all four things at once, because once again, I am Matt-Man, bitch, and I can handle multi-debauchery.

But seriously…

I am one pacing Mother Fucker.  We used to receive complaints until the stupid, Norman Bates-type Nazi motherfucker who lived downstairs moved out, and then we got new carpet that could actually absorb the sound of my incessant plodding upon the carpet.

When I am typing out a post on Word,  as I am now, the red line often comes up indicating that what I typed, is not a word, and you know what I do..?

I look at it carefully, and then say to myself one of two things...

Either…

“Damn, I really fucked up the spelling on that word.”

Or…

“Motherfucking Word doesn't recognize a new word when I have just made it up.  It can kiss my ass.”

As you may or may not notice, I have a problem with rules, when it is attempted to be amateurishly applied to masters of the English language.

To be a true, eleoquent purveyor of one’s thoughts, one must write as one speaks, and if that includes made up words, and the hyper-pausitic beauty of the ellipse…

So fucking be it.

Cheers !!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

@MattManIWS

Learning More About Jayman

Hola Y’all! Al Harris, Roseanne Harris Connor’s dad, once said “I’ll tell you something about me. I’ll never spend the night in a Communist country. I’ll visit one during the day, but I won’t spend the night in one.”

Okay, so I’ve probably watched every episode of Roseanne one or two too many times, but I’ve always found that line funny for some reason. Anyway, I thought maybe today would be a good time for me to tell you, our vast and diverse world-wide audience, a few things about the Jayman. If you’ve been around since the old days of Cynical_Bastard (later changed to Every Day Jay) then a few of these might be things you already know. But, they’re always worth repeating. And it deserves to be done in third person. 

- Jayman would like to compliment Miley Cyrus for having the balls to wear this outfit to the Bilboard Music Awards Sunday night. Any babe can wear a short skirt or something with a plunging neckline, but it takes real courage to look at an outfit and say “I know, how ‘bout if I just wear the jacket and nothing else!?” Jayman admires people like that.

- Jayman would absolutely love to live someplace where he didn’t need a car. Cars are nothing but a huge headache and ridiculous expense. Also, too many people look at a car as a status symbol, or worse, to compensate for a teeny-weeny wee-wee.

- Speaking of cars, when Jayman gets out of his car (when he’s driving) he walks all the way around behind the car rather than just walk straight forward after closing the door. Jayman isn’t sure when he picked up this habit, but sometimes people driving through the parking lot think he’s going to cross the parking lot in front them and seems confused and surprised when he simply walks around his car and goes in the other direction. Jayman thinks they look so silly stopping and looking at him with that “WTH Dude?” look.

- Jayman won’t share a bar of soap with anyone. We can spend a weekend shacked up in a cheap hotel doing disgusting things to each other, but when we’re done, use your own damn soap.

- Jayman is a Pepsi addict. Jayman has quit drinking Pepsi several times, even for pretty long periods of time. But, somehow he ends up going back to it at some point. Crack can’t be this hard to quit.

- There’s nothing fake about Jaman’s love of Asian women, but he will admit that the way it pisses so many people off is a real bonus.

- Jayman refuses to watch HIS team lose a game. If they are behind Jayman will turn it off with a few seconds left so he doesn’t have to hear the announcers tell me the other team won and the final score.

- Jayman is good at small talk. He can talk about pretty much anything but it will be up to other people to initiate conversation because Jayman is too shy and socially awkward. Same goes for online chat on G-Talk or Facebook Chat or Skype. Jayman rarely sends the first message cause he’s pretty sure you’re busy talking to someone else and wants to be considerate like that. 

- Jayman has to check out each window and through the peephole in the front door while making sure all windows and doors are locked each night before going to bed. He’s not paranoid, he just likes to practice good prevention.

- Jayman will not touch raw meats and he will wear food safe gloves if he has to handle chicken, hamburger or fish. And, even though he was wearing those gloves, Jayman will still wash his hands very thoroughly after throwing the gloves away.

- Jayman won’t eat fish if the head is still on. He doesn’t want his dinner staring back at him with that “How could you?” look on its face.

So, as you can see, The Jayman is a pretty fascinating guy. He should probably be put behind glass and have scientist study his life for a while or something. Jayman is sure it their observations would be a fascinating read.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS