Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Learning More About Jayman

Hola Y’all! Al Harris, Roseanne Harris Connor’s dad, once said “I’ll tell you something about me. I’ll never spend the night in a Communist country. I’ll visit one during the day, but I won’t spend the night in one.”

Okay, so I’ve probably watched every episode of Roseanne one or two too many times, but I’ve always found that line funny for some reason. Anyway, I thought maybe today would be a good time for me to tell you, our vast and diverse world-wide audience, a few things about the Jayman. If you’ve been around since the old days of Cynical_Bastard (later changed to Every Day Jay) then a few of these might be things you already know. But, they’re always worth repeating. And it deserves to be done in third person. 

- Jayman would like to compliment Miley Cyrus for having the balls to wear this outfit to the Bilboard Music Awards Sunday night. Any babe can wear a short skirt or something with a plunging neckline, but it takes real courage to look at an outfit and say “I know, how ‘bout if I just wear the jacket and nothing else!?” Jayman admires people like that.

- Jayman would absolutely love to live someplace where he didn’t need a car. Cars are nothing but a huge headache and ridiculous expense. Also, too many people look at a car as a status symbol, or worse, to compensate for a teeny-weeny wee-wee.

- Speaking of cars, when Jayman gets out of his car (when he’s driving) he walks all the way around behind the car rather than just walk straight forward after closing the door. Jayman isn’t sure when he picked up this habit, but sometimes people driving through the parking lot think he’s going to cross the parking lot in front them and seems confused and surprised when he simply walks around his car and goes in the other direction. Jayman thinks they look so silly stopping and looking at him with that “WTH Dude?” look.

- Jayman won’t share a bar of soap with anyone. We can spend a weekend shacked up in a cheap hotel doing disgusting things to each other, but when we’re done, use your own damn soap.

- Jayman is a Pepsi addict. Jayman has quit drinking Pepsi several times, even for pretty long periods of time. But, somehow he ends up going back to it at some point. Crack can’t be this hard to quit.

- There’s nothing fake about Jaman’s love of Asian women, but he will admit that the way it pisses so many people off is a real bonus.

- Jayman refuses to watch HIS team lose a game. If they are behind Jayman will turn it off with a few seconds left so he doesn’t have to hear the announcers tell me the other team won and the final score.

- Jayman is good at small talk. He can talk about pretty much anything but it will be up to other people to initiate conversation because Jayman is too shy and socially awkward. Same goes for online chat on G-Talk or Facebook Chat or Skype. Jayman rarely sends the first message cause he’s pretty sure you’re busy talking to someone else and wants to be considerate like that. 

- Jayman has to check out each window and through the peephole in the front door while making sure all windows and doors are locked each night before going to bed. He’s not paranoid, he just likes to practice good prevention.

- Jayman will not touch raw meats and he will wear food safe gloves if he has to handle chicken, hamburger or fish. And, even though he was wearing those gloves, Jayman will still wash his hands very thoroughly after throwing the gloves away.

- Jayman won’t eat fish if the head is still on. He doesn’t want his dinner staring back at him with that “How could you?” look on its face.

So, as you can see, The Jayman is a pretty fascinating guy. He should probably be put behind glass and have scientist study his life for a while or something. Jayman is sure it their observations would be a fascinating read.


I'm With Stupid said...

I understand the aversion to eating fish heads, but wearing gloves while handling raw meat? What the hell kind of Southerner are you? A Tyson Chicken worker? Cheers Jayman!!


Mike said...

The diet cherry Pepsi still has caffeine but no calories.

Gnetch said...

OCD! Haha! :p

I'm an alcoholic. I spray rubbing alcohol on coins.

Beth said...

Wow! You're odder than I thought;) Love you!

Fortune Cookies said...

Fortune Cookies can't eat anything that still has a face, and can totally relate to Jayman's aversion to fish with a head. It just ain't right.

Knight said...

If I remove the eyes does that make it better?

Move to New York. I'll buy you your own bar of soap.

Jo said...

I love your enigmatic strangeliness.

If wearing gloves didn't freak me out I'd be right with you on the raw chicken, esp whole chicken. Reaching in there to clean out the bits is one of the grossest sensory experiences ever.

I just realized we never chat online. Because apparently we're both socially retarded.

The car thing is really weird and makes me happy for some reason.

I'm With Stupid said...

Matt-Man: Handling food is just soooo icky!!


I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: I can't do the diet drinks. I'm pretty sure they're even worse for us than the regular with all the sugar.


I'm With Stupid said...

Gnetch: Gotta keep those coins clean! Money is so dirty.


I'm With Stupid said...

Beth: And these are some of my less odd qualities.


I'm With Stupid said...

Fortune Cookie: Jayman thanks you for understanding.


I'm With Stupid said...

Knight: It might not taste any different, but it is a much better experience.

Also, I would love to move to NY. I'll move in right across the hall from ya. How does that sound? ;-)


I'm With Stupid said...

Jo: Yeah, you need to be on google talk or skype or facebook chat. I don't really like FB's chat though, G-Talk and Skype are much better. Plus they have voice chat! ha

I refuse to reach inside of a chicken or turkey. It's just not gonna happen.


Knight said...

Jay, How does that sound? That sounds all kinds of awesome.

L-Kat said...

Thanks for this post! I always like to know more about the people behind the blogs and podcasts I love!

The walking around the back of the car thing? Weird. Very weird. But it makes me like Jayman even more.

Talking in third person? Super narcissistic. L-Kat does it all the time. How annoying.

I'm With Stupid said...

Knight: That would be the most awesome thing in the history of awesomeness.


I'm With Stupid said...

L-Kat: Jayman likes babes who who comment in third person and use their Hip-Hop Name as their blogging name. Jayman likes L-Kat! ;-)


Dana said...

Jayman will not touch raw meats and he will wear food safe gloves if he has to handle chicken, hamburger or fish.

It's a little creepy how many of your "things" Mike shares (says the recent owner of a box of food-safe disposable gloves). If I were Asian, and Mike was white, it would be almost like you and I living together ... or something like that ...

I'm With Stupid said...

Dana: Or something. ;-)