Phil Robertson Can Suck It!

Holaaaaaaaaaaaa! So, today has been a pretty shocking day. Too many more of these and I might look for a cave to go live in far away from society.  It all started this morning when I got up and began reading some stunning news.

It turns out that some old cracker who lives way back in the woods in Louisiana thinks gays are an abomination and recalls the good old days of Jack Crow laws before that pesky Civil Rights Act fondly.  I AM STUPIFIED! Who woulda thunk it? (BTW, if you haven’t read the article by Drew Magary, do so. It’s excellent.)

Well, don’t worry folks, I’m sure Sarah Palin fresh off her demands that MSNBC fire Martin Bashir for saying gross things about her will explain to us all that freedom of speech doesn’t mean that media companies have to just let their on air talent be assholes, right? RIGHT?

Uh, whatever. No biggie. The Ivy League educated governor of Louisiana Bobby Jindal will probably put out an intelligent statement that will help stop this from becoming an all-day outragathon. Here it is …

“Phil Robertson and his family are great citizens of the State of Louisiana. The politically correct crowd is tolerant of all viewpoints, except those they disagree with. I don’t agree with quite a bit of stuff I read in magazine interviews or see on TV," Jindal said. "In fact, come to think of it, I find a good bit of it offensive. But I also acknowledge that this is a free country and everyone is entitled to express their views. In fact, I remember when TV networks believed in the First Amendment. It is a messed up situation when Miley Cyrus gets a laugh, and Phil Robertson gets suspended."

Wut? It’s wrong that Phil Robertson was suspended from Duck Dynasty because Miley Cyrus? That’s pretty much the stupidest fucking thing I’ve heard all year. God! I’m so glad we live in a country where nobody, no matter their political leanings, will pick up that idiotic analogy and run with it, right? RIGHT? *does quick search on Twitter for Phil Robertson Miley Cyrus*

Welp. Okay, whatever guys. I’m sure that the folks on the left will deal with this issue in a serious, mature and eloquent manner, right? RIGHT?

What the hell is wrong with everyone? Why do we as a nation have to lose our shit every single time something like this happens? A&E didn’t violate Phil Robertson’s 1^st Amendment rights! He has no right to a TV show. A&E suspended him because they were afraid that advertisers would get nervous and it would cost them money. You know, the “free market?”  The same “free market” that forced MSNBC to fire Martin Bashir and Alec Baldwin.

Did A&E overreact? Probably. It’s pretty doubtful that there are very many people watching Duck Dynasty who don’t agree with Phil on these things. The people who don’t agree with him will probably keep watching because they like the show. Hell, the publicity from this will probably cause ratings and advertising rates to INCREASE. (It’s almost as if that is what they were aiming for!)

Anyway, I hope people have calmed down by tomorrow cause I’m getting tired of seeing all this crap about Duck Dynasty on my timelines on Facebook and Twitter. I swear if someone could make an outrage pill I could sell it on a street corner and be as rich as Phil Robertson in no time. That shit makes people go longer and harder than any HGH, crack, meth or Viagra ever could.

Besides, I have much more important things to lose my shit over. I found out today that our local KFC has closed! OH THE HUMANITY!!!!

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Kids Learn the Darndest Things in Louisiana Schools

How y’all are? Uh, I mean … Holaaaaaaaaa! As you probably know by now the great state of Louisiana has privatized much of its education system. The result of this is that some schools can now teach things like creationism and Christian ideology to the children, and they aren’t wasting time getting the textbooks that will do just that.

As you can see from this Mother Jones article that I thought was an Onion piece at first, the books some of the schools will be using teach what can only be described as “total fucking bullshit.” They will teach kids that dinosaurs and people walked the Earth at the same time, dragons were real, God used the Trail of Tears to bring native Americans … OOPS! … Indians to Christ and more crazy shit.

Anyway, our crack staff here at IWS World Media has uncovered yet another set of textbooks that are about to be published and used in Louisiana that are EVEN MORE whack than the ones Mother Jones uncovered. Check out some of the stuff the kids will be learning…

- Mikhail Gorbachev was forced to tear down the Berlin Wall after he lost to Ronald Reagan in a no-holds-barred steel cage match. Reagan took him out with a Ronnie-A-Whirl Cross-Body Smash and then crippled him with a leg lock.

- After his victory in that steel cage match, Ronnie became known as The Reagantor all over Eastern Europe.

- There was never any animosity between the North and South until Abraham Lincoln was elected and started attacking Christianity.

- Bluto was right the Germans ARE the ones who bombed Pearl Harbor.

- FDR let the Germans bomb Pearl Harbor so he could take advantage of everyone’s fears and force Socialism on us.

- The meanest and most vicious dinosaur was Barackus Obamus. It fed mostly on young white women.

- The United States was founded so people could be free of the tyranny of universal healthcare.

- No white Christian has ever committed an act of terrorism.

- Blacks begged America to send as many ships as possible to Africa and bring them back to the US where they could live free, work on the plantations and become Christians.

-  When President Eisenhower built the interstate highway system, he warned against the United Nations one day attempting to force cities to build bicycle lanes.

- The Watergate break-in and subsequent scandal that brought down Richard Nixon’s presidency never really happened. It was a complete fabrication by gay establishment and helped along by the liberal media.

- Jesus was actually born in Birmingham, Alabama and was white with a blond mullet and blue eyes. Also, his parents were registered republicans.

So as you can see kids in Louisiana are about to be taught some … uh … interesting things. Let’s all wish them the best of luck to them when they grow up and try to join the workforce and work in the global economy. I’m sure this will be interesting.

Jayman
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@Jayman_IWS