Robin Thicke Defends Miley Cyrus

Hey Hey Hey bitches! Heir to Hollywood Royalty, singer, performer, ladies’ man, sexual dynamo and possessor or a Hood Pass, Robin Thicke here. Please, stop throwing your moist panties at your computer while reading my sexy words on this here blog. Save them for the genii behind the IWS Entertainment Empire, Matt-Man and Jayman. No need to thank me guys, I have plenty of hot sexy groupies to share a couple with lesser men like you guys. Of course, all men are lesser to me.

I wanted a place where I could defend Miley Cyrus from all the unfair and outrageous attacks on her stemming from her, uh, I mean our performance on the VMAs. Well, really it was HER performance that people are upset over.  I haven’t gotten any flack at all.

See folks, Miley didn’t want to do such a raunchy performance. She wanted to do a traditional performance where she got up there on stage in a tasteful, yet sexy dress and sang with me. Basically she wanted to be the pure and innocent lady she is. But, what I can I say? A couple of minutes into rehearsal with me and the clothes were coming off. Happens all the time to me! I’m serious …

- When I was six Jazmine Johnson wanted begged me to sit on my lap and for me to hold her while we went down the slide at the playground.

- When I was nine I was standing behind Shanice Jordan waiting for my turn at the pencil sharpener when Shanice asked me to stand really close behind her and crank the pencil sharpener for her.

- When I was fourteen my dad’s costar on “Growing Pains” Johanna Kerns told me she wanted to learn to play golf and asked if I would get behind her and put my arms around her and teach her to swing.

- When I was seventeen my photography teacher Mrs. Stone asked me to help her in the dark room and after the lights when out she started “accidentally” bumping my crotch with her phat ass.

Shit like this has happened to me all my life. I don’t do anything to bring these situations on. I’m naturally so damn sexy that women throw themselves at me. I start singing my special brand of white guy hip-hop and the next thing I know girls are dancing with me and grinding on me and telling me they want to do all kinds of nasty things to me.  

Same thing happened to me in my video for my Summer Rape Anthem “Blurred Lines.” I’m singing along with track, trying to make a nice video for everyone out there to enjoy and damned if Emily Ratajkowski doesn’t get all naked and start grinding all over me! It’s crazy y’all!

So I think you can all see how this isn’t Miley’s fault. It isn’t really my fault either. Not that anyone has said it was my fault in any way. It’s kind of cool how all the blame is being put on the bitch girl. The blame lies with this damn out of control sexiness and animal magnetism I have. I start out trying to just do a straight up duet with someone on the VMAs and before I know it I look down and some 20 year old hottie is in her bra and very moist panties grinding her bony little ass against my 36 year old Thicke Stick™ while I’m innocently singing “I know you want it …. I know you want it … I know you want it …”

Honestly? I wish I could stop it. I wish I wasn’t this damn sexy. I wish every woman didn’t want me so badly. But, this is the way God made me and I just have to live with it. I promise to use my sexy powers only for good though. Sure, I’ve turned a few lesbos straight in my day, but no more. I promise. It’s just not right.

Oh one other thing.  Mika Brzezinski, call me baby. I’ll loosen you up sexy lady.

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College Should be as Fun as Miley Cyrus Twerking

As I read Matt’s post yesterday about Ryno’s first day ofcollege I thought back to when I went to college way back in the day.  I had all these crazy ideas about college and how it would change me. I thought that just by going to college I would suddenly be an outgoing, popular guy who had social skills. I think I also believed that I would magically be able to dance and the babes would be all over me.

Shockingly this didn’t happen. I was the same awkward and shy nerd that I had always been. In fact my freshmen year was incredibly boring. I really didn’t do anything much at all. There were none of the big parties that I expected to be attending every weekend. None of the babes hanging all over me that I expected. And when my dorm had some kind of party or dance I would only go and hang out for a little while and then leave. Alone. 

My roommate was a really strange guy. He was a junior architecture major and wasn’t around all that much. We got along great though. Of course, when you only actually see each other once a week, it’s easy to get along.

I didn’t spend all my time in my room watching my little black and white TV though. We had a pool table and ping pong table in the basement. So, that is where I spent most of my weekend nights. Oh sure, there were a few weekends where I would hang out over in another dorm with some other dudes and we would drink beer or anything else that somebody got his hands on and watch a movie (porn). #Thuglife

Sometimes while I was playing ping pong with the other anti-social nerds in the basement at 2 a.m. on a Friday night one of the cool guys with his cool girlfriend would wander through. I always loved that “oh look ... that poor loser is playing ping pong on a Friday night” look from those girls which always made me feel good about myself.

Most of the fun I had at college, and the closest things ever got to the college experience that I had envisioned, happened in my second year. That’s the year I met Big J, Little J, and S. Those are the guys that I went on the road trips with. And the guys that I actually got out and went to parties and other social functions with.

After that year Big J and Little J both moved back to California because it was too boring in Arkansas. I should have moved there with them. Then S got married about a year later. Actually he and his girlfriend dated for almost 12 months, then got married and THEN she moved out less than three months later.

For me college ended up being a colossal waste of time and money. I have a degree in Human Resource Management that has proven to be even more useless that you can imagine. It’s my own fault though because I didn’t stick with a major that I enjoyed and excelled in. I started out as a political science and history major and stupidly switched over to HR. Had stayed with my original major college would have been a more enjoyable and positive experience academically.

Of course God has a plan for all of us and for me it was to eventually become a world famous internet radio star rocking the house at the VMA’s with Miley Cyrus.

My point is that for people like Ryno and others heading off to college this week don’t worry about the future so much that you punish yourself by selecting a major that you don’t really give a crap about simply because you think it will mean a better chance at a job. It won’t. Do what you’re interested in and what you love and somehow it will all work out.

Probably.

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