We Must Save Curling in America

Hola y’all! As you probably know by now, the US men’s and women’s curling teams are a combined 0-5 at the Sochi Olympics. This is unacceptable. Obviously curling needs to be saved and quickly! This morning Matt-Man and I discussed the idea of an Olympic Bikini Curling League with Chrissy Teigen as the team captain, but she never responded on Twitter so that’s probably out. However, I do think I have an idea how to save curling in America.

We should make a fun movie about curling! You know, one of those “triumph of the human spirit” type movies. A uniquely American story where a guy overcomes a bunch of obstacles in his life, pulls himself up by his bootstraps and not only makes curling popular, but turns America in a world curling powerhouse. As we should be!

Our main character is a sad man who hasn’t really accomplished anything in life other than be elected as the mayor of Paducah, Kentucky. At first I thought of Matt Damon in this role, but I don’t think he’s that kind of guy. So, Kevin James it is! Of course, he needs a wife. The only logical person that a socially awkward overweight failed businessman who is elected mayor of a small town on the Ohio River could be married to would be played by Priyanka Chopra, right?

If you’re gonna have a simple, lovable mayor try to fulfill his dream of turning Paducah into the curling capital of the world and make it a tourist attraction then you have to have an evil enemy who wants to scuttle the whole thing for his own financial gain. That cruel, greedy and all-around sleazy guy will be played by Tom Hanks, of course.

Every evil man must be married to an equally evil, scheming and conniving cunt of a wife. Gwenyth Paltrow is perfect for this role. She could just play herself, right? No effort at all. But, I don’t want to give her that easy money opportunity. So, the only other option here is Sandra Bullock.

Basically Paducah, Kentucky is a poor, economically depressed town with no future and Mayor Kevin James has a plan to save the town by building the biggest curling center in the world. People are skeptical and Tom Hanks takes advantage of this and tries to get Kevin James recalled. If his evil plan works, Hanks could be mayor and take big kickbacks from coal and oil interests and possibly run for governor and then president someday.

It looks bleak for Mayor James and his young exotic wife when a miracle happens! America’s greatest curler shows up in town one day and is interested in his plan. The curler, played by Jared Leto loves it and brings in all kinds of fundraising from socially and environmentally aware groups and the recall fails!

Then the curling center is built and on opening day people come from all over the world to check it out. All the big sports cable networks are there and all are bidding big money to televise tournaments from the Paducah Curling Center and God Bless America!

It could totally work y’all! I bet it would … SWEEP … the Oscars! Hey-OOOO!!!

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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The World's Best Pizza: It's in Your Heart and at Cassano's

Whenever I come across the following quote by, Kevin James, I think of the existential brilliance of Kierkegaard and Nietzsche…

“There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.”

The former King of Queens actor sums life up quite well in the aforementioned quote…

Because while I, (and many others) find that orbiting the hot oven of life we call the sun, upon an oblique spheroid of a pizza pan we call Earth can be painful and difficult at times, the day to day trials and tribulations can be quickly sent into a decaying orbit by…eating a pizza.

I mean c’mon…

It’s warm dough, spicy tomato sauce, melted cheese, the occasional veggie to make you think it’s good for you, all served on one huge, edible, round, or rectangular “plate” piled with meat.

How could any breathing, thinking human being with half a taste bud in his or her mouth not like that? Uh-huh…they can’t…Word.

Pizza is a universal language.

For instance, Kierkegaard who was Danish, might have liked his pie topped with Havarti and Smelts. Nietzsche being German, may have preferred limburger, sausage, and angst. Kevin James?

Being the New Yorker that he is, probably likes the Big Apple style pie that you curl up in your hand as it drips in the bountiful beauty of pepperoni, extra mozzarella, and grease. Mmmmmmmmm.

Either way…Pizza brings a smile to peoples’ faces, because the people eating it, have personalized it. 

They choose what goes on it. Ordering a pizza allows the common folk to enjoy the wide array of ala carte topping options without incurring a Greek-sized debt. It’s no wonder the Greeks went under to the Romans.

Another great thing about pizza is that it’s like a quilt…an afghan of sorts, although I don’t think Afghans have pizza, and if they did, it would probably be poppy and yak pizza, which makes perfect sense.

The hallucinogenic effect of the poppies would mask the bitterness of the yak, but I digress…

Pizza brings folks of all cultures, race, class, etc. together. I’m serious, now dig it…

Sure, sometimes one may get a pizza for them self, but how often have you heard:

“Hey, WHO’S up for pizza?”

“Why don’t WE order some pizza?”

“If I spring for the pizza, THEY might like me.”

See?

Pizza is also, among it’s great qualities, good for something else.

It identifies where one is from; it help to define and nurture one’s roots.

I have grown up and been a lifelong resident of the Miami Valley, specifically the Dayton/Springfield, Ohio region, and in spite of all of the chain pizza places which are available, nothing says home more than Cassano’s Pizza.

Cassano’s Pizza has been making great pie for years, and those of us around here love ‘em.

And let me tell you…In addition to the quality of the pizza itself, the best thing about their pizza goes back to their name.

This local/regional chain was built by Vic Cassano. That my friends, is a great pizza name…and it has to be both names.

You can’t have a great pizza place named after Bob Cassano…that sounds like a used car salesman, and…

You can’t have a great pizza placed named after Vic Tayback, because that sounds like a dirty diner in Arizona.

The name, the dough, the sauce, the toppings…they all add up to comfort when you get them right, and pizza affords us all that, even if for only a few minutes a week.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com

http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS