Holaaaaaaaa bitches! It’s time once again for a round of
funny(ish) headlines! Try to hold down the excitement, will ya?
- Dept. of Justice investigation finds that the NSA violated
George Zimmerman’s civil rights.
- Obama gives up and grows a Hitler mustache.
- Jenny McCarthy excited about new job as co-host on “The
View.” “Think of all the kids I can kill with this
- Miley Cyrus apologizes for wearing bra under her tight
shirt in public. Says it won’t happen again.
- Kim Kardashian freaks out over loss of popularity, renames
her kid Trayvon Martin Kardashian-West.
- P.E.D scandal mars The ESPY’s as a reporter notices host Jon
Hamm’s bottle of Viagra in locker backstage.
- Amanda Bynes seen buying “The Rhyming Dictionary” at local
mall in preparation for her new rap career.
- “Vincent Sand Gogh” wins World Championship of Sand
Sculpting in Atlantic City. “Sandy Vagina” fails to place for the 25th
consecutive year.
- OUTRAGEOUS McDonald’s “budget” for workers making minimum
wage suggests just giving dancers a single at the stage and forgoing lap
dances.
- ESPN lawyers up in preparation for firing Keith Olbermann
soon after his new shows debuts on ESPN2 in August.
- Juror B37: “Okay, I admit it. I let George Zimmerman’s raw
sexual magnetism cloud my judgment.”
- Emma Roberts tries out new way of promoting upcoming movie
“We’re the Millers” by getting arrested for beating the shit out
of her boyfriend.
- Area man writes congressman demanding that the government dramatically
increase funding for hemorrhoid research.
- MLB announces that former Egyptian President Mohammad
Morsi will replace Bug Selig as Commissioner after Selig retires or,
preferably, dies.
- City council realizes they have very few items on agenda,
starts making shit up.
- Sad, lonely man starts friendship ring on Facebook.
- Area woman shocked to discover that people are still
blogging.
- “Forbes Magazine” names Robert Downey Jr. as America’s
highest paid ex-con.
And that’s all I’ve got.
