Thursday, July 7, 2016

Hillary's VP Shortlist: Pros and Cons

Holaaaaaaaaaaa y’all! We’re down to the wire in the Veepstakes for both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. So, as a service to our readers, here is a quick review of the top contenders to be Hillary Clinton’s Vice President …. 

Senator Tim Kaine (Virginia): 

Pros: A safe establishment pick from an important swing state who speaks fluent Spanish, Kaine would fit perfectly with Clinton’s only slightly left-of-center positions. He is also boring as hell and there’s no concern that he will overshadow the candidate. Also, writers can use the phrase “Kaine brings the pain” after every speech he gives. 

Cons: Who the fuck is Time Kaine?  

Senator Elizabeth Warren (Taxachusets):

Pros: Elizabeth Warren is wildly popular with the left in the Democratic Party. She’s pro-worker’s rights, anti-Wall Street and is a very feisty campaigner who has proven that she can get under Donald Trump’s leathery orange skin. 

Cons: Come on …. Elizabeth and Hillary hate each other’s fucking guts. We all know it. No way two women can run on the same ticket together without having a YUUUUUUGE blowout! Even if they win they will have put a line of duct tape down the middle of the West Wing and each stay on their respective sides. 

Senator Sherrod Brown (Ohio): 

Pros: A veteran who has a long history of liberal politics, Brown is another favorite of unions and other left-leaning special interest groups. He voted against NAFTA, the Iraq War, TPP and uh, other stuff that people on the left hate. Ohio is another very important swing state and he gives Hillary a lot of cover from her critics on the left including Bernie supporters. 

Cons: After listening to his raspy voice for about five minutes voters will be concerned that his three-pack a day smoking habit will result in his not living through a full term as VP. 

Miley Cyrus (California/Tennessee):

Pros: Young, vibrant and extremely popular Miley could inject some much needed energy and nakedness into the Clinton campaign. She can bring hundreds of thousands or even millions of young people to the polls and launch the political revolution that Bernie Sanders dreamed of for Hillary. Again, she can do all this while constantly getting NEKKID! 

Cons: I don’t see any downside here. 

Labor Secretary Tom Perez (Parts Unknown):

Pros: Another Spanish speaking hero of the working class left, Perez might go down as one of the most consequential Labor Secretaries of all time. Not that the bar has been set all that high on that one. Also, he’s a regular guy as proven by the fact that he goes by “Tom” instead of “Thomas.”  Most importantly, Perez rhymes with VicePrez. It works! 

Cons: Who the fuck is Tom Perez?

Rep. Xavier Becerra (Calif.): 

Pros: “The X-Man” … “Mr. X-citement” … “The X-Factor” … “X Marks the Veep” … “He’s an X-cellent campaigner” … “The X-terminator” … I think you see where this is going. Lots of upside here. Also, he was apparently named after a college in Cincinnati so that would help Hillary in Ohio. 

Cons: Americans might have had enough of people in high public office with funny sounding names. 

Matt-Man (Ohio) and Jayman (Arkansas):

Pros: A real outside the box idea of nominating two people to fill one position. Matt and Jay are a two-for-one package. Meaning they will split the salary and benefits of the office of Vice President evenly. They will also split the duties and have their personal assistant and good friend Jamie Mapleleaf  keep track of funerals and boring-ass conferences each has attended to keep things fair. Plus, they will keep the masses entertained and distracted while Hillary takes care of the business of the nation. 

Cons: They need Sundays off.