Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Driving The Storm Out

Cheeeeeeers, greetings, and to all of you panic-stricken, wetting your pants, curled up in a fetal position
while crying uncontrollably Marys out there…

Get over it!!  It’s winter in Ohio and believe it or not, sometimes it snows in January.  In fact, snow is such a common event during the month of January in Ohio, that perhaps you should be fucking used to it by now!!

Oh dear Lord…Bagwine, Ohio was in an uproar Monday as the National Weather Service issued a Winter Storm Warning for the area and predicted that as much as…are you sitting down…THREE to FIVE inches of snow may fall between 10 PM last night and Noon today.

Three…to Five…inches…people!!

The NWS may as well have said that eighteen feet of acid-enriched snow formed from atomic heavy water will cascade down upon Bagwine, Ohio cloaking the denizens of our fair city beneath a shroud of death and destruction unseen since the days long ago when the armies of Alexander the Great pummeled and plummeted ninety percent of the known world.

On cue, the fearful folks of Bagwine began storming every grocery, convenience store, gas station, and bank in order to prepare themselves and their out of wedlock livestock before the coming meteorological apocalypse arrives.

Whenever there is a threat of an inch or more of snow ‘round these parts, people think it’s 1847, and unless they make it to Jedidiah’s Dry Goods and Tannery before the snow flies, they will perish just like those poor folks did while trying to navigate Donner’s Pass.

People flip out during a snow event, and even more so…the local news outlets break out the ratings drum and bang on it incessantly, driving their moribund audience down the road to the intersection of where Hysteria Lane meets Bonehead Boulevard.  However…

The local news experts offer their audiences vital and important tips on how to survive the White Death.  Tips such as…

Slow down when driving…Leave a few minutes early…Bring in the elderly and water your pets…and of course my favorite winter storm tip of all…

If you don’t have to go anywhere, stay home.

Y’know? I've been thinking about that tip, and I think that if you have nowhere to go, and yet decide to drive around during a period of moderate snowfall and slick road conditions, you should do just that.

I mean c’mon…

Don’t let the lame stream media control you.  Stand up for yourself, and drive whenever, wherever, and under whatever conditions you choose.

If a mere three-five inches of snow keeps you from driving to somewhere that you didn’t really need to go, the terrorists win.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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6 comments:

I'm With Stupid said...

I hope you guys are gonna be okay with all that snow on the ground. It sounds like a nightmare!

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Jay: It's ponderous Jayman; it's fucking ponderous. Cheers!!

Matt

Mike said...

"If you don't have to go anywhere, stay home."
This is my life, snowing or not!

Katy Anders said...

I don't understand. What is that white stuff in the second picture?

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: Ha...Enjoy your staycation Mike. Cheers!!

Matt

I'm With Stupid said...

Katy: The white stuff is the debbil, that's what. Cheers Katy!!

Matt