What Happens to Don Draper and Mad Men Characters?

Holaaaaaaaaa! Well “Mad Men” is back and everyone is all excited! Well, except me. I found the season premiere to be a bit boring. I think the show jumped the shark last season and I’m very much ready for it to end. In fact, instead of this 14 episode split-season (seven this year, seven next) they should have just gone with a quick seven episode “wrap everything up” final season. I’m afraid that this once great show is going to become the Willie Mays of TV dramas stumbling around embarrassing itself because it didn’t know when to go.

In the season premiere Don was in LA to see Megan Draper as they try to save their marriage. As he was flying back to New York to not go back to work (he’s still suspended) Don reminds us that he’s the second luckiest guy in the history of the world behind Ringo Starr. He just happens to be sitting next to a super freaking hot, broken, sad, lonely AND widowed lady played by Neve Freaking Campbell. Wouldn’t you know that smooth bastard had her hitting on him by the time the plane landed in NYC. Don still has game, yo.

The big thing everyone is talking about is when and how does Don Draper die. There is some other conversation about what’s going to happen to other main characters too. So, I figured I better get my predictions out there so when these things actually happen I will be able to prove that I predicted it.

Don Draper (Jon Hamm): Draper has absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever so I expect that in the end he will be the big winner. He marries Lee Cabot (Neve Campbell) and she helps him put his life back together. Draper and Cabot have an open relationship with each of them having numerous affairs. They start several convenience store franchises that celebrate their lifestyle called Quickie Mart, E-Z Mart and of course, Kum and Go.

Roger Sterling (John Slattery): Dies in 1973 of a heart attack after snorting cocaine off Grace Jones’ ass while having sex with Twiggy. His daughter Margaret Sterling Hargrove dies during the Jonestown Massacre in 1978 and for some reason leaves all the money she inherited from Roger to the Rev. Sun Myung Moon.

Joan Holloway (Christina Hendricks): Joan stays at Sterling-Cooper-Draper-Pryce and rises to the position of Vice President. She was promoted after banging NFL Commissioner Pete Rozelle in the bathroom at Studio 54 which nailed down the contract of the NFL as a new client.  Joan went on to have a series of affairs with some of NYC’s most powerful men including Donald Trump’s father, Fred Trump.  

Peggy Olson (Elisabeth Moss): Drops acid at Woodstock and becomes a free love hippie travelling the country playing guitar and singing in honky-tonks and bars. In 1999 she helps to start up the Coachella Music Festival. Her daughter Zippi Love Poppa, fathered by Frank Zappa OR Iggy Pop, nobody knows for sure, is one of the founding members of Burning Man in 1986. (BTW, even though Peggy isn’t as wholesome, she’s totally Marry Ann to Joan Holloway’s Ginger, right?)

Betty Draper (January Jones): Moves with her husband Henry Francis and immediately began having an affair with HUD Secretary George Romney and then Vice President Nelson Rockefeller. After Rockefeller died while having sex with Betty in 1979, nobody wanted to have sex with her again cause men are totally superstitious about that kind of shit.

Sally Draper (Kiernan Shipka): Changes her name to Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme and attempts to assassinate President Gerald Ford in 1975.

Pete Campbell (Vincent Kartheiser): Joins the Hare Krishna Movement and is never heard from again.

Megan Draper (Jessica Paré): Got a few TV and movie roles here and there but is best known for playing the mother in the pornographic “Taboo” series in the 80’s.

That’s pretty much all that really matters. The guy seen falling during the show open whom we all assume jumped out a window is Ken Cosgrove. Both of Don and Betty’s sons grow up to be porn stars. Bert Cooper dies in his office and his body isn’t discovered for three weeks. Nobody else really matters.

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