Wednesday, October 2, 2013

What the Shutdown Really Means

Hola y’all! Okay, so by now you know that because President Obama refuses to totally give up on his most significant legislative achievement of his presidency, the GOP has shut down the government. We’ve all seen all over the news that they shut down the Library of Congress, National Parks and lots of other government institutions. But, there are some other, lesser known effects of the shutdown. Here are a few …

NSA will only listen in on your phone sex, but won’t be able to read your sexting or dirty messages on social media.

All animals at the National Zoo will be on a diet of Ramen Noodles until the government reopens.

The Air Force vs Navy football game will go on as scheduled, but it will be a flag football game instead.

Ted Cruz will only be allowed to give a 10.5 hour speech during the shutdown.

In the congressional pool hall, there will be no more games of 8-ball or 9-ball, but instead only 6-ball is allowed.

Old Faithful will only be allowed to erupt twice a day.

Instead of wearing his $300 Aviator sunglasses, Vice President Joe Biden will be forced to wear a $3 pair of “Risky Business” sunglasses.

There will be no Pumpkin Spice Lattes available in the congressional cafeteria.

The annual Halloween Democrats vs Republicans “Dance Off, Face Off” will be cancelled.

Members of congress will only get 70 characters to use for each tweet.

Members of congress will either have to use their own money, or get a lobbyist to pay for their hookers.

Senator David Vitter (R-eally Kinky) will not get any diaper deliveries during the shutdown.

Everyone will be limited to ONE grand-standing “I love American and our veterans more than you do and if you don’t click ‘like’ or share this you are siding with the terrorists” meme post on Facebook per day.

We can only blow up one wedding, killing dozens of innocent people using an unmanned drone per day.  What? Oh, that’s right. Obama signed the bill making sure the “KILL! KILL! KILL!” part of the government stays open.

The Buffalo River Floaters will have to shut down for the year a month early.

Thomas Jefferson’s and Abraham Lincoln’s heads will be removed from Mt. Rushmore.

People applying for passports will have to submit selfies instead of getting your photo taken by an authorized passport place thingy.

All CONTROL agents will have to turn in all of their shoe phones but the Cone of Silence will still be operational.

That big bad-ass plane they have on the “Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.” will be grounded.

A whole lot of people have been furloughed and are home without pay. Oh sure, you CLAIM this isn’t a “little known fact” about the shutdown, but if you watch cable news and listen to most republicans and conservatives the people furloughed are the least of their concerns.


I'm With Stupid said...

Since they're not using it any longer, would Jefferson's Mt. Rushmore head fit inside the Bagwine digs. I mean, that would be an awesome conversation piece to have lying about. Cheers Jayman!!


Mike said...

'...use their own money...'

HA! Never going to happen.

Beth said...

It's bullshit man...all bullshit.

Katy Anders said...

Damn... They might not even be able to listen in to my phone calls.

Which sucks, really, because it's always nice to be able to file a Freedom of Information Act request to get copies of the transcripts of my phone calls.


Bilbo said...

"If you watch cable news and listen to most republicans and conservatives the people furloughed are the least of their concerns." Boy, ain't that the truth. The GOP has spent years preaching that the government is what's wrong with America, and that every government employee is a useless, otherwise unemployable sponger loafing at the expense of the taxpayers. What do you expect them to think now, the silly bastards?

I'm With Stupid said...

Matt-Man: It would look great right next to the Holiday Tree!


I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: IKR?!


I'm With Stupid said...

Beth: Such a cynical and pessimistic outlook!


I'm With Stupid said...

Katy: I'll listen in to your phone calls if you want!


I'm With Stupid said...

Bilbo: Exactly! This is why they're pushing the "eliminated health insurance benefits form members of congress AND their staffers" bullshit. Unbelievably cynical since they will find a way to have the taxpayers cover their own insurance costs anyway. Just sacrifice their staffers at the alter Obama Hatred.