Tuesday, October 29, 2013

The Chupacabra Speaks !!

Hola and a Feliz Martes to you all.  The Chupacabra here, and I have a few things to say to all of you Chupacabra haters.

What the hell is your problemo?

Why you be hating on the Chupacabra so damn much?  And another thing…

How come Jay and Matt had a Wicca priest on their radio show in order to dispel all of the misconceptions and hurtful comments about the Wicca religion, and yet, they ignore me…

The Chupacabra.

Frankly, it’s not fair.

Sure, I am an animal that sucks the blood and flesh from goats, but that doesn’t mean that you have to call me Chupacabra…the goat sucker.

I am much more than that, and I have feelings.  My name is Jorge Hernandez!!  Damn Glad To Meet You!!

Y’know?

I have always wanted to be able to go along and get along with you folks.  All I ever wanted from you was a few scraps from your cena table so that I could feed my family.

Sure, I may not be the most handsome pirate at the Cinco de Mayo Ball, but maybe if you could have looked past my crazy eyes and razor sharp teeth dripped in rabies, you would have noticed that I have a huge heart full of warmth and compassion.

But no…

When I initially showed up at your backyard barbeque and heroin transaction party in order to secure food for my family, all I ever got was…

“Ewwwwwwwwww, a goat sucking freak of nature….RUN!!”

Fuck you.  I’m better than that.  I am Jorge Hernandez, and I don’t take no stinkin’ government handouts nor ill-gotten giveaways from the Mexican drug cartels.  I, much like the entrepreneurial can collector in the U.S., go door-to-door looking for my family’s next meal.

However, as I roamed from yard to yard, and hacienda to hacienda in search of tables scraps for my wife and cinco niƱos, my name unfairly became synonymous with dirty, low-life goat suckers…aka, The Chupacabra.

I am sorry that it has come to this, but ever since you have locked your trash cans, electrified your fences, and put a Mexican contract out on me, I, Jorge Hernandez, have been forced to wiggle through your high tech fences, break through the walls of your tin shacks, and get the damn food out of your un-refridgerated refrigerators by means of frightening and menacing you all.

In fact, I find it funny that you smart humans surround your 200 peso tin shacks with 5,000 peso electric fences.

When I come home with your food for my family, my wife will ask, "Jorge?  What's for supper?"

I always respond...

"A big platter of irony, that's what!!"

I did not want it to come to this, however…

In addition to feeding my family, my wife Ana is six months pregnant with our sixth child…Our youngest, Luis, needs new corrective shoes, and our oldest, Juan, needs dinero in order to attend a tryout session in Mexico City next month for the Mexican boy band, Juan Direction.

You see?

I am but a simple hound dog of Mexican society with large paws, sharp teeth, and a huge heart.  I just want to get along, and get a little help from you all.

Is that so wrong?

My name is Jorge Hernandez, and I’d rather just inconspicuously garner the scraps of your wealth, say thank you and move on, and not continue to be deemed a diabolical and “mysterious” caricature and freak of nature promulgated by cable TV.

¡Salud!,

Jorge Hernandez

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
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10 comments:

I'm With Stupid said...

Someday when I have a house and a yard, I might get a cute little pet Chupacabra.

Or a Labrador Retriever. It could go either way.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Jayman: The Chupacabra needs you...He neeeeeeeeds you!! Cheers Jayman!!

Matt

Mike said...

Jorge, MGM called and they want their Species costume back.

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: We invite Jorge to guest post and what does he get from you? Heartache. Unbelievable. Cheers Mike!!

Matt

Beth said...

Kinda looks like me in the morning;)

I'm With Stupid said...

Beth: True, but he has a much more pleasant disposition. Cheers Schmooooop!!

Matt

Katy Anders said...

Those things are all over Houston. I got attacked by one a few weeks back.

You can't see its wings or proboscis in that picture.

I'm With Stupid said...

Katy: This was a Glamour Shots picture so they tried to soften his look. Cheers Katy!!

Matt

jAMiE said...

Jorge..you scare me...I know it's irrational but there you have it.

I'm With Stupid said...

Jamie: He just wants to be loved Jamie. That's all. Cheeeeeeers Jaaaaaaamie!!

Matt