Friday, September 20, 2013

Pizza Delivery Stories

Hola pizza lovers! Matt always has great stories about the morons who come though the Beer Mine all the time. That always gets me to thinking about some of the strange people that I delivered pizzas to back in the day when I was in college and working at a pizza joint.  So, I thought I would list some of them here…

- I delivered a large supreme pizza to some dudes in a trailer who had a HUGE pile of marijuana on the coffee table.  Also sitting there was a Glock .40.  The guy sitting on the couch looked at me and said “I guess you know that you haven’t seen anything here today, right?” And he gave me that knowing “we’ll come cut your balls off and stuff them down your through and then shoot you in the head” nod.  I was like “absolutely!” 

They gave me a $5 tip.   I’m pretty sure dudes with a table full of cocaine would have tipped better. 

- I once delivered a small cheese pizza to one of the richest people in Arkansas.  His house was actually outside of our delivery area, but you want to stay friends with people like this.  So, I got up to his ridiculously large house and before I could get out of the car I was face to face with a Great Dane. 

After about a minute Mr. Rich Guy came running out of the house and got the dog and said the dog wasn’t dangerous at all.  Anyway, I got out of the car and gave him his pizza.  Turned out he had a coupon for the pizza for only $4.99 (tax included).  He paid with a twenty.  So, I gave him a ten, five ones and HIS PENNY as change.  He took the money and his pizza and turned around walked into the house without so much as saying thank you or giving me a tip.

- I once delivered to a Days Inn and a man who was probably in his 60s answered the door naked. Lying on the bed was a naked woman about his age. They invited me to come back after I got off work.  I declined.

- I also delivered to a guy who looked to be in his 50s or maybe 60 at another hotel.  Lying on the bed in his room was a girl who looked to be a teenager wearing a half shirt and panties.  I’m pretty sure it wasn’t his daughter either.  They did NOT invite me back.

- I was offered drugs and/or alcohol in lieu actual money all the time.  The problem with that was that I would have to pay for the pizza myself if I accepted.  Well, until I became one of the managers.  Then, someone would come in and offer me a couple of beers for a pizza and I would say “sure!”

- I never once had a lonely MILF offer sex for pizza.  Or just sex.  Those porno movies are terrible the way they make everyone believe that happens all the time.  But, there was a girl who lived in the apt. complex behind the store who offered sex for pizza once.  She was all kinds of messed up and my conscious got the better of me and I just gave her a pizza and declined her special offer. 

- I did have guys offer blow jobs a few times.  Oddly enough they never offered a blow job for the pizza.  The always paid and then made the offer.  I declined, but it sometimes it’s nice just to be asked.

- The worst part of working there was the callers.  Every single day people would ask if we had wings, breadsticks, sandwiches or even pasta dishes.  We didn’t have any of those things.  We were a bare bones ghetto pizza operation.  We didn’t even deliver soft drinks. 

So, people would ask if we would pick up any of those things from another place on our way to delivering our pizza. 

“Will you get us some wings from somewhere else and deliver those too?” 
“Will you drive through McDonalds for my kids on the way here?”
“Will you drive through the liquor store for me?”
“Will you stop and get me cigarettes and/or a Coke on the way?”

Sometimes we would agree to do it, but those people almost never tipped. Man, people suck.


Mike said...

'...without so much as saying thank you...'

I've read stories like this about the Koch brothers. Cheap ass rich MF's.

Beth said...

I always tip pizza drivers well. That job has to suck balls;)

Katy Anders said...

This really makes me want pizza.

I don't remember the last time I had pizza.

I need to give some pizza delivery kid something to write in his blog. Maybe involving possums...

I'm With Stupid said...

If you had delivered a pizza to me, I would have had sex with you, given you drugs and beer, paid for the pizza, and still tipped ya!! Cheers!!


jAMiE said...

Always important to tip the driver, whatever it takes!

ps i am now craving pizza!

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: I bet they order a small cheese and use a coupon and never tip. Cheap bastards.


I'm With Stupid said...

Beth: For the most part it did. People are generally rude and inconsiderate.


I'm With Stupid said...

Katy Anders: Pizza delivery guys lives are sad and boring so definitely help them out.


I'm With Stupid said...

Matt-Man: You're a hell of a guy!


I'm With Stupid said...

Jamie: Mmmmm ... Pizza! Always tip the delivery guy! He has to use his own car and deal with lots of rude people. Hell, give him a hug too! hahahaha