Thursday, September 12, 2013

New iPhone has Great Features

Hola y’all! Well, Apple held its annual cult meeting the other day to introduce the new iPhone 5? 6? I would just go with iPhone 69. Anyway, apparently the new iPhone has all kinds of bitchin’ cool features. It has a 64 bit chip and it will store your fingerprint and share it with the NSA so that only YOUR finger will turn it on. And … OMG!!!!! … IT NOW COMES IN GOLD!!!!! *SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!!*

But, what makes this phone worth the thousands of dollars you’ll spend on the phone over the mandatory two year contract is the hidden features they don’t tell you about! Luckily for you, our crack team in the Technology Division of IWS World Media has discovered some of them …

- The Wizzer: This is a special hidden app that when activated will provide you with clean urine when you get called in for that random drug test.

- The Handicapper: Sends you advice on which teams to bet on each week of the football season. It would be something like this: “Psst take Wisconsin -2.5 over Arizona St.”

- Babe Number Scanner: Very clever app here! You carry the phone as if you’re busy texting, but the phone is actually scanning everyone around you and recognizing babes. It then secretly (with the help of the NSA) secretly snags their phone number so you can call them later.

- The Flask: What looks to be the spot where you plug in your ear buds is actually where you pour your bourbon so you can take a few nips during the workday when things become just too unbearable.

- Joint Case: Just activate the “Toke App” and the case opens and there’s your hippie lettuce. The cops will never figure it out.

- The Commenter: This app monitors your Facebook Newsfeed and make the appropriate comments for you so you don’t have to see their posts. 

- Taco Emergency: An app that is constantly updating to let you know exactly where the nearest Taco Truck is just in case you suddenly crave a taco and/or burrito. Happens far more often that one might think!

- Celeb Alert: Constant alerts letting you know what your favorite celebrities are up to each day. Lindsay Lohan arrested again? You’ll know before TMZ does. A new celebrity sex tape “leaked?” Watch it right there on your phone during your lunch break while sitting in the park. Also things like “Psst: ScarJo Cleavage Alert!!”

- The Sexer: It’s app that allows you have sex with your phone which is pretty handy because most people love their phone more than anyone or anything else in this world.

- Shoot ‘Em Up Bang Bang: If there’s anything Americans love more than their cell phones it’s their guns. So, obviously an app that allows your phone to be used as a gun with infinite reloads via the internet is a big need. You know, in case you see a trophy buck crossing the street downtown as you’re leaving work.

There you go folks. Ten of the best hidden features and apps of the new iPhone 5S or 6 or 7 or whatever the hell it is.


I'm With Stupid said...

I'd like to go Bang Bang on Scarlett. Is there an app that brings THAT all together? Cheers Jayman!!


Mike said...

If Lindsay Lohan is in the area you may want to get the hell out of there before something bad happens to you.

Coach Factory said...

vpolo ralph lauren outlet, gucci handbags, polo ralph lauren, prada handbags, kate spade handbags, christian louboutin shoes, prada outlet, coach purses, oakley sunglasses, ray ban outlet, michael kors outlet store, longchamp handbags, louis vuitton outlet, louis vuitton handbags, oakley vault, michael kors outlet, michael kors outlet online, louis vuitton outlet online, red bottom shoes, true religion, coach outlet, christian louboutin outlet, coach outlet store online, nike air max, ray ban sunglasses, michael kors outlet online, longchamp outlet online, chanel handbags, tiffany and co jewelry, kate spade outlet online, cheap oakley sunglasses, nike air max, burberry outlet online, jordan shoes, michael kors outlet online, louis vuitton, nike shoes, louboutin shoes, michael kors outlet online, nike free, tory burch outlet, coach outlet, burberry outlet online, louis vuitton outlet, longchamp outlet

Coach Factory said...

hollister, longchamp, mulberry, longchamp pas cher, nike free, scarpe hogan, guess pas cher, hollister, oakley pas cher, burberry pas cher, timberland, air max pas cher, hermes pas cher, air jordan, nike air max, michael kors uk, abercrombie and fitch, sac vanessa bruno, nike roshe run, nike free pas cher, north face, sac michael kors, nike trainers, chaussure louboutin, true religion outlet, ray ban uk, louis vuitton, converse pas cher, louis vuitton uk, ralph lauren, nike air max, new balance pas cher, michael kors canada, lacoste pas cher, sac louis vuitton, true religion outlet, air max, nike blazer pas cher, nike air force, louis vuitton pas cher, tn pas cher, longchamp, nike huarache, barbour, ralph lauren pas cher, lululemon, ray ban pas cher, vans pas cher, north face pas cher, nike roshe

Coach Factory said...

ugg soldes, canada goose outlet, mcm handbags, moncler outlet, valentino shoes, ugg boots, marc jacobs outlet, soccer jerseys, nfl jerseys, herve leger, ugg outlet, chi flat iron, moncler, mont blanc pens, birkin bag, canada goose pas cher, canada goose outlet, north face outlet, moncler, insanity workout, bottega veneta, ferragamo shoes, vans outlet, mac cosmetics, north face jackets, soccer shoes, lululemon outlet, ghd, babyliss pro, beats headphones, jimmy choo shoes, canada goose uk, uggs outlet, canada goose outlet, hollister, moncler, p90x workout, giuseppe zanotti, canada goose, uggs on sale, abercrombie and fitch, wedding dresses, celine handbags, ugg, new balance outlet, asics shoes, roshe run, rolex watches, reebok outlet, instyler ionic styler