Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Richard Speculum...Unlicensed OB/GYN

I am so happy to be here on the IWS website today, so slide down your computer chair, say ahhhhhhhhh, and allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Richard Speculum and as the only yet to be incarcerated one of the finest unlicensed OB/GYN’s in the country, I am here to offer my obstesticle, gynecological, and cervical services to the vast and diverse female portion of the IWS Radio audience.

Three years ago, I was on top of the world after having just completed my medical degree in OB/GYN and Doctor type things from the University of Phoenix Online.

Yet weeks afterwards and my first failed attempt at passing my Medical Board exams, the euphoria quickly grew into a menopausal hot flash of post-partum depression.

The sadness grew exponentially after my six subsequent attempts to pass the Medical Boards.  I was in the dumps.  Lethargic.  I was nearly suicidal at that point, especially since each time I took the test, my scores got lower and lower.

I knew at that point, I would never be the rich and successful OB/GYN I had long dreamed of becoming ever since the time I was eight years old and witnessed my adorable second grade classmate Cindy Johnson slip on the peddle of her brother’s bicycle, painfully bruising her pre-pubescent vagina.

When I witnessed her mishappenstance lo those many years ago, I immediately flew off of my bike, jumped on top of her writhing body and sought to ease her pain in a knowing, very human, and mostly non-sexual way.

I eased her convulsions by whispering in ear that she would be okay.  I mollified her fears by caressing her cheek, and…

I assuaged Cindy’s strident pain by placing my hands upon her and offering her a sip of my half empty can of Mountain Dew that contained both the empathy of my breath and my spurting backwash resulting from a joke that my friend Pat Fogarty had imparted to me, mere minutes prior to her unfortunate incident.

Cindy soon got up and with a limp and a whimper, walked her brother’s bicycle back home, but she was always thankful for my help and my EMT type skills.

Because of that, Cindy and I remained very close friends until sixth grade when at that point, her dad left his job at the local Parks Department in Dayton, and moved himself and his family to Milwaukee in order to fulfill his dream of becoming a Master Brewer with the Miller Brewing Company.

It’s because of the memory of the smile and thankfulness that I saw that day on Cindy’s face, and her continuing appreciation of me, that when I had once again flunked my Medical Board exam and was considering just cashing it all in, that I had a revelation.

I thought to myself…

Okay maybe I am not legally allowed to prescribe prescriptions or medical procedures, but I can recommend them.

Perhaps, I am not actually permitted to remove your cervical cancer or deliver your baby, but I can point out to you by looking at your private parts, that one or both need to be done.  Stat!!

Do you think you might have an STD?  Pffffffft…I’ve seen them all and have had them all, and can tell you with a quick look and/or a short sniff whether you have gonorrhea, syphilis, or a mere annoying case of trichomoniasis.

Annnnnd ladies, after my examination, you'll even get a free T-Shirt...

The best thing…In addition to my Medical Degree, I minored in Philosophy, so I have the unique ability to describe to all of you fine ladies, the correlation between Hegel and Kegel.

So there you have it.  With Health Care costs soaring, maybe it’s best just to have a friend who was nearly a doctor, practices holistic medicine, and has somewhat of a command of OB/GYN skills.

Don’t believe in the old and untrue adage that the closest expert (medical or not) is at least fifty miles away.

With me, Richard Speculum, I can be in your bedroom in fifteen minutes, and I am happy, at a very nominal cost, to check you out, inside and out.

So ladies...Here's to your gynecological health and remember...

I am more than happy to go fishing for the answers contained therein.

Richard Speculum,
Unlicensed OB/GYN (UOG)

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
Facebook.Com/mattmaniws

6 comments:

I'm With Stupid said...

I almost wish I was a woman so I could go to him for my medical needs. Wait, no I don't.

Jay

Mike said...

Hey Dick. I think there may be an opportunity for you in Pennsylvania. Seems Dr. Gosnell has left his practice.

I'm With Stupid said...

Jayman: He is a medical, quasi-pro-bono class act all the way. The man gives and gives. Cheers Jayman!!

Matt-Man

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: Hey now Mike...Dr. Dick is no Dr. Gosnell..He is all about producing life. Cheers Mike!!

Matt-Man

Beth said...

I'm speechless.

I'm With Stupid said...

Beth: I've scheduled an appointment for you. Cheers Schmoop!!

Matt-Man