Surviving Halloween Takes Preparation

Hola monsters, goblins, ghouls, freaks and other people! Man, I fucking hate Halloween. Yeah, I know you love dressing up and you love dressing your chubby-cheeked shit machine baby like a bumblebee and stuff like that. Okay, I agree the bumblebee babies are cute as hell, but that doesn’t make up for how shitty Halloween is.

Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and all social media is overrun with grown-ass adults dressing up in stupid costumes before they go out and drink themselves silly with all the other fucking freaks. Halloween has now joined St. Patrick’s Day and New Year’s Eve as the three biggest amateur nights in America. Hell, I’m even sick of the slutty Halloween costumes.

But, you know what I really hate? Horror movies. I know, right!? It’s not because I’m a pussy or anything, it’s just that I can’t stand how stupid most of them are. There are only two good things that have ever been associated with horror movies: That time I put a clown doll on my sister’s bed right after we all watch Poltergeist (that was a fucking classic) and the truly great performance by Jennifer Love Hewitt’s boobs in I Know What You Did Last Summer. I’ve seen so many of these movies that I will now give you some advice on how to live through Halloween…

- Shoot all zombies in the head. This should be common knowledge by now, but unfortunately not everyone has gotten the memo yet. Every year there’s a new batch of zombie movies and TV shows where people try every way they can think of to kill zombies except shooting them in the head and it never ends well for them.

- When you shoot the bad guy, monster, villain or whatever don’t just drop the gun and sit down or walk away as if you’ve dropped the mic after killing at the Comedy Store. Empty the clip from that damn gun into that bastard’s ass. If you don’t he’s gonna get up and grab your ass a little ways down the road and then things will get nasty.

- Same goes for women who are holding the guy who raped them and killed their whole family and every friend they’ve ever had at gunpoint but can’t pull the trigger. Dudes always talk chicks out of shooting them. Every. Fucking. Time. Memo to women: Y’all want equality? Y’all want us to quit making all the “because you’re a girl” jokes? Shoot the fucking bad guy once! Then we’ll talk, okay?

- This is for men and women: When you get home after dark and all the lights are off in the house and you open the front door and you try the light switch don’t just fucking wander into the dark house saying “Is anyone there???” You pretty much deserve what you get when you do that stupid shit.

- Don’t stop having sex to go and investigate some strange noise you thought you heard.

- When your house tells you to “GET OUT” pack your shit up and get the fuck out.

- The cop sitting in his car out front of your house who is supposedly there to protect you is dead so don’t get comfy.

- Don’t go for a drive down a rural, lightly travelled road in the middle of the night. Your piece of shit car will break down and you WILL die a gruesome death.

- Just kill every clown you see. Don’t take any chances with those bastards.

- Don’t bother trying to run into the woods to get away from the monster or bad guy. You’re gonna trip over a twig and injure your pansy-ass self and then die.

- If there is danger around like zombies or ghosts or serial killers who have escaped from the mental institution, just go ahead and kill the crybaby bitch who panics easily and can’t keep herself together cause she will get you killed later on. Seriously, nobody needs that shit.

- Stay the fuck away from areas that look like they’re full of inbreds, abandoned houses, mental institutions and camping areas and other obvious places like that. Seriously, why do people still go to these fucking places after all the shit that has happened over the years? Idiots.

Okay, this is getting long so that’s all the advice I’m giving out for today. But, that doesn’t mean you get to blame me if you do something stupid and tempt fate like opening your fucking door for all those little homeless children begging for candy on Halloween night. They can’t be trusted!

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS