Monday, July 30, 2012

Mitt Romney at the Wailing Wall

Hola and Mah Nishmah y’all? Well, as you probably know by now Mitt Romney was in Israel over the weekend and he even visited the Wailing Wall! I know you guys are all curious as to what prayer Mitt might have written on that little piece of paper he placed into the wall. Well, I think I have a few ideas.

- “Dear God, please forgive me for all the impure thoughts I have had because of all these HAWT IDF babes. Beautiful women who can handle assault weapons? I can barely stand it!!”

- “Dear God, please don’t let any of my tax returns get leaked. I’m not kidding. This is a big one.”

- “Dear God, please watch over and protect all the whalers out there trying to navigate the treacherous ocean waters.”

- “Dear God, I’m getting ready to tell everyone that when I’m president the US will recognized an undivided Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. I don’t really mean it. I’m just pandering and hoping for another $100 million from Sheldon Adelson.”

- “Dear God, please tell my wife to shut up. She’s freaking killing me! I mean “YOU PEOPLE?” Really? C’mon!”

- “Dear God, did you know that a yarmulke is also known as a ‘Kippah?’ Ha! I like that … KIPPAHHHHHHHH! *sings* Hey big kippah! LOL!!111 *snort* hahaha”

- “Dear God, I think I would make a better President because I better understand the Anglo-Saxon relationship between the United States and Heaven than Obama does.”

- “Dear God, Blah, Blah, Blah, Whatever. Fake prayer time. Prankster Mitt strikes again!”

- “Dear God, did you know that the West Bank is the only foreign bank I don’t have money stashed in to avoid taxes? Hey-OOOOOOOOO!”

- “Dear God, isn’t it hilarious that all these Jews around me are going to be baptized and converted to Mormonism after they die?”

- “Dear God, don’t be mad that I staged a photo op at the Wailing Wall on Tisa B’av. I mean, EVERY day is a day of mourning for these people, amirite?”

- “Dear God, I would KILL for some pulled pork barbeque right now. Ever tried a matzo cracker? It’s even blander than me!”

- “Dear God, please give me the strength and the opportunity to do good things in this world. Help me make peoples’ lives better and lift the burden of poverty from them. Then help me rid the world of famine and disease and … aw screw it, make me President!!”

- “Dear God, I have flip-flopped on every single issue imaginable. I have pandered to these right-wing nutcases for four years. I have burned every moderate bridge I ever built. I have compromised every principle I have held. I have even walked away from my greatest political achievement and pretend things like RomneyCare and my signing an assault weapons ban never happened. I better fucking win dude.”

So there you have it. Mitt pretty much covered all of his bases, just as you would expect Mitt to do. Also, quick shout out to Sarah Palin. I’m sorry Sarah, but the Wailing Wall is NOT the one Reagan demanded Gorbachev tear down. Sheesh!




Mike said...

' tax returns...'

I saw an article where Mrs. Mitt was complaining about people wanting to see more returns. In her rant she mentioned 'We give our 10% to the church'.

But what if they hadn't given their 10% in the past? Maybe they don't want THE MORMANS looking at their tax returns.

I'm With Stupid said...

When it comes to wavering, Mitt is incredibly unwavering. Cheers Jayman!!


I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: I'm pretty sure that whether or not the Romney's give their full 10% to the church is the least of the embarrassing things in his tax returns. Also, I doubt anyone really cares how much they've given to the church.

It's the whole not paying any taxes on tens of millions of dollars of income that bothers people. Oh, an the lying about when he really left Bain Capital.


I'm With Stupid said...

Matt-Man: Mitt is, and always will be, everything to everyone. Unless you have brown skin. In that case you're nothing to him and he's nothing to you.


L-Kat said...

"Dear God, of the people who reported they would "enthusiastically" vote for me, 62% of them don't think Obama is an American. Please keep swaying the stupid people to vote for me. I'd really like to win."

-This statistic is only 43% made up. I read something like this and it was an astonishing number of Mitt supporters that think Obama was born elsewhere.

I'm With Stupid said...

L-Kat: And an even higher percentage of them believe that Obama is a secret Muslim who wants the Muslim Brotherhood to take over America and turn us into an Islamic Theocracy. It's very depressing.


Jo said...

I love "fake prayer time" lol!

Edita said...

Lolololol at "fake prayer time" :D I literally laughed out loud now everyone thinks I am a weirdo. Not that it's news.

I'm With Stupid said...

Jo: Mitt is such a funny guy. Loves to play little pranks on everyone. Even God.


I'm With Stupid said...

Edita: Just like when we were kids and the adults made us wait for someone to lead us all in prayer before we could eat our holiday meal and we pretended to be praying too. ha


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