Monday, June 4, 2012

Michael Bloomberg is Leading the Nanny State Revolution

Hola you people with self-destructive lifestyles! In honor of NYC Mayor Michael “Napoleon” Bloomberg’s new rules restricting the size of sugary soft drinks that can be sold, there are some other regulations* that will need to be imposed on a populace of people who need to be protected from themselves.


- Every citizen will be weighed once every two months by a trained official who works for the Office of Fat-ass Control. If your weight exceeds what is allowed by the state, you will be placed on a diet that you WILL follow or you will go to jail where you will stay until the state determines that your weight is acceptable again.

- Food will now be sold in serving sizes rather than in boxes and cans and whatnot. These sizes will be mandated by the Office of Portion Control and you will get nothing more than what the state allows. An example would be that all hamburger patties will be THREE ounces and you will get only as many patties as you have people in your house each week. Also, you will be restricted to ONE serving of red meat per week.

- The Office of Alcohol Intake will set forth guidelines for how much you can drink weekly. These guidelines will be fair and designed to protect your health by the local liquor control boards headed up a representative of the alcoholic beverages industry.

- A daily report of your driving habits will be sent to the local Driving Safety Board. It will be analyzed to ensure that you aren’t speeding or taking any unnecessary chances. Violators will be dealt with harshly.

- Each citizen will submit to random drug screenings a minimum of 12 times a year. Failure of any drug test will result in jail time and the forfeiture of all your possessions to the state.

- All conversations, written or spoken, private or public will be monitored through electronic listening devices, drones and other means for an excess of dirty words and for politically incorrect jokes or statements. They will also monitor you to insure that you aren’t criticizing your government, your leaders or our corporate overlords. The Office of Political and Patriotic Correctness will deal harshly with anyone violating speech laws.

- The Office of Cultural Integrity will monitor the music you listen to, the movies and TV shows you watch and the books you read to make sure that you aren’t being subjected to too much sex. Violence is not a concern. Also, the books are monitored just in case you get some crazy ideas like thinking for yourself or questioning the goodness of the government’s authority.

- Other activities such as gambling (including office football and basketball pools and bingo), running (you shouldn’t run, you could hurt someone or yourself), playing on swings, Jungle Gyms, slides, playing pickup basketball or really any sport not sponsored by the schools, all dessert items and bicycle riding are just too dangerous and too difficult to regulate so they will simply be outlawed.

Now I know this all seems so unfair to people living in a free society, but we all know it’s for our own good. Our government, and our leaders such as Michael Bloomberg and unelected do-gooders like Mika Brzezinski know what’s best for us and they also know that we just aren’t capable of making decisions on our own. So, they will do that for us. And we’ll be a much better society for it.

*People who are part of the top 5% of income earners, corporate CEO’s, celebrities, members of the elite media and elected officials are all exempt from these new regulations.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

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Also, on Sunday we discussed “What Women Want” on the I’m With Stupid Podcast. We talked about how women claim to want a man with a sense of humor until she gets fed up and says “You just can be serious about anything.” Then we talked about how a woman wants a man to be honest until he gets a little TOO honest, if you know what I mean.

Next we somehow got into a discussion about how Jayman is the world’s greatest cuddler and then we took a call from someone who basically played the Gold Digger card. Something we were trying to avoid. But, hey, if Mike wants to call in and go that route, we can’t stop him.

All in all it was another deeply insightful, funny and maybe even a wee bit creepy show. Just exactly what you would expect from us. So give it a listen a few times and tell all your friends!


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9 comments:

Mike said...

'..are all exempt..'

So we have nothing to worry about, right? I mean being celebrities and all.

I'm With Stupid said...

While I am not a big fan of the burgeoning Nanny State, if there is An Office of Stupid Asshole Identification, can I be on on the board, Mr. Cuddles? Cheers Jayman!!

Matt-Man

A Beer for the Shower said...

And when Fatty McFatFat just buys 2 drinks instead of 1 big one, will Bloomberg break down and cry, or will he start a ban on buying more than 1 drink?

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: Sorry there is an Office of Celebrity Identification who will determine if you are a celebrity or not. It's gonna be close.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Matt-Man: When I'm the Grand Poobah of the World you can have that position. It's pays $500,000 a year.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Beer: If I owned a fast food joint, I would make refills five cents. I'm sure Bloomie would try to outlaw refills after that. THEN people would have to buy to drinks at full price.

Jay

Jo said...

These are scary-ass times.

Favorite part of yesterday's show was when you & Matt started giggling over your mall outfit.

I'm With Stupid said...

Jo: Our govt is determined to regulate everything except Wall Street, Drug companies and Oil Companies.

And, there was just something about that whole exchange that tickled me. I wonder if it would work? hahaha

Jay

L-Kat said...

1984 is finally happening. If you were to add a way to produce genetically perfect beings in a lab then we'd also have a little bit of A Brave New World.

I think I'd be okay with most of these rules, but I'd need a way around the liquor laws and fantasy football betting bans. Those are two things I cannot live without.