Hola you super sensitive weepy types out there! My friends, there is a disturbing trend that has been growing for a few years, but really appears to gaining even more steam in America. Something that sends shivers down my spine and I think puts our very safety and independence at risk. What is that trend, you ask?
Men hugging each other and crying in public.
Dick Vermeil is one of the best NFL coaches of all time. His teams were always competitive, disciplined and tough to beat. He also has a brilliant offensive mind which led the St. Louis Rams to become Super Bowl XXXIV champions. He is universally loved by his players and pretty much everyone who has ever crossed paths with him. Dick was also a tremendous football analyst who was wonderful at breaking down the game for the viewers. Vermeil had only one flaw: He would tear up and begin weeping like an overly dramatic teenage girl over almost anything even close to touching.
Speaker of the House John Boehner is another one who turns into a pathetic puddle of tears anytime he or someone else makes up a bullshit heartwarming story about kids or puppies or kittens. Come on! This man is second in line to the Presidency and he can’t control his emotions any better than a toddler who is bawling because his mommy took the bottle of cleaning liquids that he was trying to drink away from him. Don’t you think it’s a problem that a man so emotional could be so close to being the leader of the free world? I certainly do.
You know, earlier today I co-hosted another great episode of I’m With Stupid with Matt-Man. The show was, as always, crisp, clean, funny and above all else, professional. But, I did that show while in terrible pain and feeling like pure crap. Did I start bawling as soon as the show was over? HELL NO! After I mentioned that I was hurting did I start weeping into the microphone and say I needed a hug? Again, HELL NO! Nope, I sucked it up and carried on as always. And, despite the pain and discomfort, I was still able to make a timely and funny rotary phone joke COMPLETE WITH SOUND EFFECTS!
Recently when Matt-Man was suffering from a terrible cold, did he miss any shows? Nope. Did he break down into tears and say he didn’t think he could take it anymore or not finish the show? Again, HELL NO! He, like me today, manned up and marched right through those shows with a minimum of complaints and absolutely no crying or the need of a hug from another man.
All of this is due to more than just being professionals. And it’s more than the old adage “There’s no crying in internet radio.” The reason Matt-Man and I soldiered through is because we’re MEN. And Men don’t cry in public dammit!
So let’s stop all the crying and weeping and super sensitive boo-hooing over every little thing men. Women and children can get away with looking weak in public, but not men. Suck it up boys.
Speaking of our “Easter Extravaganza” on I’m With Stupid. It was, as I mentioned, outstanding. Where else are you going hear people talking about Doubting Thomas, what an arrogant jerk St. Peter is, John Tesh, Jose Marti, Ozzie Guillen, Rotary Phone Sound Effects, a brilliant performance of “The Resurrection” and an endearing “Pee Break with Schmoop” segment all in one show? Nowhere, that’s where! So check it out…