Is Santa a Democrat or a Republican

Hola Bitches! So, here’s something I’ve wondered about for a long time. Is Santa Claus a Democrat or a Republican? It’s really tough to say. I mean, at first it seems obvious, but if you really thing about it, it isn’t obvious at all.

So, I decided to break it down and see if I could make a final definitive statement about this most pressing question of our time.

Reasons Santa is a democrat:

- He gives presents away free of charge.
- Respects all cultures
- No socio-economic requirement to get toys
- Cares about poor kids
- Socialist
- Believes in alternate forms of transportation
- Animal rights activist
- World traveler
- Makes several appearances on TV and in movies
- Illegally crosses the border into the US
- Works the overnight shift
- Supports “Peace on Earth”
- Lives in a town full of freaks and misfits

Reasons Santa is a republican:

- Is VERY judgmental
- Isn’t opposed to child labor
- Moved operations to North Pole to avoid US taxes
- Elves are not paid well and have no real advancement opportunities
- Old white guy who hates change and is all about tradition
- Focuses mostly on Christians
- Loves coal
- Is mostly about marketing
- Leaves HUGE carbon footprint
- Supports and uses a very elaborate spying system to monitor people’s behavior
- Started out in Europe but many people pretend he’s an American creation
- He’s self-employed
- Hangs out at malls and likes to let children sit on his lap

I reject the idea that Santa might be a libertarian because if he was, he would just tell the kids “You’re on your own.” Also, he wouldn’t give a shit if they were naughty or nice. And he would be opposed to a worldwide surveillance apparatus that kept tabs on everyone’s behavior.

So, there you have it kids. After breaking it down scientifically I can say with confidence that it’s inconclusive.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS