Elliot Rodger May Have a Manifesto, But I Have a Mattifesto!!

Y’know?  It’s seems like every dissed boy like Elliott Rodger and unhappy man gets to write a manifesto before he enacts his infinite justice upon people. And you know what?  If the serial killers, and mass murderers have that right, so do I.

So to wit and heretofore, or whatever, is my manifesto, or as I call it…My Mattifesto.

Mrs. Stephenson, my kindergarten teacher…

You treated your kids like crap, and even though eighty years old at the time with your red, bouffant hairstyle which didn't lend itself to great air circulation and a better and more effective swing, your smack on the ass always hurt.  Annnnnnnd, even though you have been dead for years…you suck.

To my eighth grade English teacher, Mrs. Corle…I am sorry that at fourteen years of age I knew more about the English language than you, but that was no reason to give me an A in my work and a three in my effort grade, which reads…“careless or incomplete effort.”

Sometimes…I think maybe, you were hurt that I didn’t want to have sex with you, but, whatever, and I regret it too, because your painted nails, and frosted wig were pretty hot to a fourteen year old boy.

Janice Gohm who I had as an instructor in British Lit 150 at Bowling Green…I am sorry I recited and made fun of Hemingway while sucking on your left tit, but c’mon…was that any reason to ditch me for a running back on the BGSU football team?  I didn't think so.

And to Beth Ann Perkins?  You nominated me for a scholarship in Philosophy…While I didn't get it, that hug we shared was worth more than a scholarship to me, so?  You’re safe, and I think of you often, and? You're free to go.

To Donna... Remember when I passed out, face down in your crotch?  I’m sorry that your vagina exuded the smell of Ny-Quil, but damn it, it made me sleepy and there is no reason to hate me for it.  It was but a physiological response, not a human response.

And in addition to the aforementioned women, some guys such as Joe Aker, Jim Stewart, Tucker Carlson, Sean Hannity and the like; you are going down.

Not by the gun and knife of some disturbed, and troubled privileged punk like Elliot Rodgers, but rather by the willingness to ignore you all, and forget about you.

Unlike the disturbed and hateful manifesto of Elliot Rodger, my manifesto is about going on, and going past, but you know what still troubles me?

I actually do hate my wife and remain disappointed in my son, and it bothers me, but unlike Elliot Rodgers, I wouldn't kill them.

My revenge would be for her to explain her reasons for keeping my son from me as she squirms, and hear his reasons for feeling the pressure to comply with her demands.

But perhaps Ryno, not being permitted, nor taking full advantage of me per orders of his Teutonic keeper, is a self-fulfilling revenge machine, and a tragic flaw initiated by his mom.

Either way…I’m not happy where this is concerned.  But…Whatever…I'm not gonna kill anyone over it.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
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What Does Your Dark Passenger Tell You?

Holaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I’m just about to wrap up season five of “Dexter” on Netflix. It’s a great show and I’m enjoying it a lot. I’m really amazed and maybe slightly worried by how much I identify with Dexter. Oh, not the serial killer part (much) but with his social awkwardness and how he can barely function in society in general and his “dark passenger.”

We all have secrets. We all have parts of our lives we don’t let people in on. Some people just lay it all out there for everyone, but most of us don’t. We all also have a “dark passenger” (who should not be confused with an imaginary friend). This passenger is basically our conscience or alter ego or just that little voice inside our heads that says things like “have you thought about the consequences of hitting ‘publish’ on this status update/comment/reply?”  Okay, again some people don’t have that voice in their heads. Most of do though.

Dexter’s dark passenger helps him in his role as a serial killer. The passenger takes on the physical look of his adoptive father Harry Morgan, but he’s imaginary cause Harry is dead. Unfortunately, not all dark passengers act as someone’s conscience. Sometimes they say things like “Dude! You should totally have sex with your girlfriend’s mother, aunt and sister. When are you going to get a chance like this again in life?” Mostly though your dark passenger helps you work through life’s problems by allowing you to imagine how you might take people out or solve situations if it didn’t result in going to prison.  

Like say the guy down at the bread shop is a total jerk and says something really rude to a little girl. You can’t just kick his ass, but wouldn’t it be awesome if he tripped and fell while rolling a big rack of bread into a walk-in oven? And when he tripped it would just enough to make the door shut and auto-lock behind him? Dude would be crispy bits in 17 minutes.

Maybe you have a coworker who one of those busy-bodies who is always up in everyone’s business. Don’t you hate those people? Wouldn’t it be satisfying if one day when they sat down at their desk after making the rounds gossiping and snooping they realized their computer was off? So, they pushed the power button and BOOM!

How ‘bout if you had another coworker who was just an absolute dog? Wouldn’t it be awesome if he was putting together a crate to ship something out in and was using the old nail gun that jammed all the time? And, when it jammed he would try to unjam it and the thing went off like 47 times right into his face and chest? Something like that would be a little messy, but very satisfying.

Honestly, how hard would it be to kill someone? What percentages of murders are actually solved in America? If you’re really careful and take time to prepare and always follow the rules (or “code” as Dexter calls it) how likely would you be to get away with it? The examples above seem like the kinds of things you would have trouble getting way with because the company would have security cameras and all those busy-body employees monitoring you movements.

The real problem is how much time and effort it would take to be successful. You’d have to plan it all about and stalk them without being noticed. You would have to time everything perfectly. You wouldn’t have time to hang out on Twitter or Facebook or host a highly-acclaimed, award-winning internet radio show. Yeah, it’s totally not worth it. Probably not.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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Matt Said Jay Said Debi Daly Edition

Matt slurs, Jay slurs, You look on with disgust and pity.

Matt: Yo Yo Diggity Yo!
Jay: I’m sorry I have the wrong number.
Matt: Jayman is in the Hizzy-House!
Jay: I think it’s either “Hizzy” or Hizzouse”
Matt: Or, in my case, the “Bagizzy Digs”
Jay: Yeah, I don’t know about that.
Matt: I like it.
Jay: Well, that’s all that matters I guess.
Matt: Damn right.
Jay: Screw everyone else!
Matt: Their opinion means nothing.
Jay: Who are they to question your use of “Bagizzy Digs” or “Bagizzy Digizzy”
Matt: No, not Digizzy. That just sounds silly.
Jay: Yeah, good call.
Matt: People can call THEIR Hizzies whatever THEY want.
Jay: Well of course they can. THIS IS IS AMERICA!
Matt: FREEEEDOMMMMMMMM!

Jay: I guess that tapping on your windows last night really was sleet.
Matt: I’m sorry it wasn’t a serial killer.
Jay: I wasn’t HOPING it was, I was just warning that it might be.
Matt: Well, he would have been hanging from the building 25 feet above the ground.
Jay: Or she!
Matt: What?
Jay: Or she! Don’t be sexist. Chicks can be serial killers too.
Matt: Right, but they prefer “broads.”
Jay: Oh yeah. Anyway, that wouldn’t be much of an obstacle for a decent serial killer.
Matt: This being the Meth Capital of the world, I would say our serial killers are probably below average.
Jay: Good point. It would be more likely here.
Matt: Why?
Jay: They could stand in the bed of their raised pickup truck to reach a second floor window.
Matt: You’ve really thought this through, haven’t you?
Jay: I have a lot of free time on my hands.

Matt: We have a really awesome guest lined up for this week’s show man.
Jay: Yes. We. Do!
Matt: Debi Daly! (Blog Talk Radio, Twitter) 
Jay: More like Debi All Day, Every Day!
Matt: She’s really very interesting.
Jay: Kind of out there dude.

Matt: Oh yeah, but in a good way.
Jay: Totally!
Matt: She’s got a big following.
Jay: Legions of fans.
Matt: And a handful of haters.
Jay: TROLLS!
Matt: STALKERS!
Jay: Dudes are obsessed with her.
Matt: Which is understandable ‘cause she’s AWESOME!
Jay: Damn right, but still, no reason to hate or be jealous.
Matt: None at all.
Jay: So we’ll ask her about this drama and haters and trolls.
Matt: And the good people who defend her.
Jay: Like us!
Matt: Oh yeah.
Jay: And whatever else she wants to talk about.
Matt: Of course! She is our guest after all.
Jay: And we’re gentlemen.
Matt: Mostly.
Jay: This one could get pretty wild.
Matt: We can handle it.
Jay: We’re professionals!
Matt: Damn right!
Jay: I’m outta here!
Matt: Me too!

There you go kids. Be sure to tune in to Debi Daly Uncrossed on IWS Saturday Night at 11 PM ET as we welcome the very beautiful and talented Debi Daly to the show! What an awesome show this is going to be!