I'm Dreaming With Jeff While My Toilet Double Flushes

Holaaaaaaaaaaaa! Okay, so things got a little weird here at the palatial estates during IWS’ recent week or so hiatus. There was some maintenance drama that had to be dealt with ya’ll. First there was a problem with the toilet. When I would flush as the tank was refilling with water the tower and ball thingy (sorry to get so technical) that stops at the water line so the thing doesn’t overfill made this really loud, weird noise. Basically it sounded like a whale in heat. Very disconcerting!

So, I decided to get our crack maintenance team on it. After a short discussion and my fucking hilarious impression of the sound the toilet was making that left everyone in the office in stitches they agreed to fix it. Seriously y’all, those folks in the office are a great comedy audience. I was killing with my “whale in heat” impression. Love those guys.

So they came down and changed out all the working parts of the toilet and TA-DAAAAAA! The horrible, annoying sound was gone. The lonely whale finally got laid and was smoking a cigarette in post-coital glow and everything was right in the world. Well, kind of.

There was still one small problem. My toilet now double flushes. I push down the handle, the flapper opens and the toilet flushes. Then the bowl refills quickly and then it flushes again! Then it refills normally and the tank refills and that’s that. Weird huh?

So, I stared at the toilet for a few days trying to figure out what the problem was. I came up with a couple of ideas, but I didn’t want to fiddle with anything. What if I’m wrong? What if I break something? Technically it’s not MY toilet, ya know? Also, what if it’s supposed to do that? What if that’s the new trend in toilets? Maybe we’re living in some brave new “double-flush” world? Maybe they set it up like this intentionally thinking I look like the kind of guy who needs the benefit of a double flush from time to time. I’m a bit insulted and thankful for this.

I thought about calling up maintenance and informing them of this double flush situation, but it would be a really awkward conversation …

Me: “Uh yeah, I have a problem with my toilet again. Now it’s double flushing.”

Them: “Sir we all have to double flush sometimes.”

Me: “No, it double flushes every time.”

Them: “You probably need to improve your diet then.”

Me: “No you don’t understa …. aw screw it. Never mind. Everything is fine.”

Then things really got complicated! The next night I dreamed that the toilet starting overflowing and I was piling up towels to stop the flood while also trying to turn the water off. What a mess! I was so pissed off and the bathroom was ruined and it was 4:00 a.m. central time and I just broke down and cried. There I was standing in cold ankle-deep water crying. This was one of my more pathetic dreams.

Okay, so that’s a sign right? I gotta get that double flush fixed, right? But, what if the flooding was caused by maintenance fixing it so that it only flushes once and all the extra water comes roaring over the edge of the toilet? Or was it cause by ME trying to fix it? I didn’t know what to do. Then something wonderful happened!

I saw Jeff Bridges’ Square Space commercial during the Super Bowl where he was talking about “Dreaming with Jeff!” That’s it! The Dude has a new website where we get to discuss our dreams. I’ll just go over there and register and people will help me with my problem. Then I’ll tell them about the REALLY freaky dreams and they’ll ban me just like the others have.

Unfortunately, “Dreaming with Jeff” is a new CD full of cosmic sounds aimed at helping people sleep and do some cool dreaming. At first I was a little disappointed, but then I thought maybe his ambient sleep-inducing music would help me get back to dreaming about less unsettling things like snakes with six legs or talking cows and shit like that. Or maybe some good dreams about certain ladies I know? Awww yeahhhhhhh! To hell with the double flushing toilet! All I want is a good night’s sleep. Bring it on Jeff!

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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Mr. Sandman Is A Spiteful Agent Provacateur

Cheers and a Happy one full week of Lent has passed us by already, to ya.

For those who follow the IWS Radio website and radio show, you are aware that for Lent this year, I have given up the eating of bread and pasta.

44 Days…No bread…No pasta.

Yesterday marked the end of week one of doing such.  The first couple of days were easy. I was excited to be exerting some rarely used self-discipline, and it was a fresh change in my eating habits.

During the days, I have up to this point, been in full control of my willpower with little discomfort, however…

The last couple of nights have seen my slumbers come alive with things over which my willpower has no control…

Bread-Related Dreams, and let me tell you; they’re neither helpful nor pretty.

For instance…

I had a dream that I am walking down a dirty, urban alley in God knows what city, and I am approached by a nefarious looking man wearing a trench coat, and he says to me…

“Hey…My name is Reuben, and I having something you want, something you need.”  To which I respond…

“Really?  What is that?”  And then…

He flashes open his trench coat, and on one side dangle slices of corned beef, Swiss cheese, and dressing, and on the other side, sauerkraut, corned beef and dark rye bread.  Bastard.

And then another dream follows.  I am sitting in a nightclub by myself and to the mic walks IWS Radio’s very own up and coming comic, Phil Diller.  The spotlight hits him; he goes into his routine and the following transpires…

Phil:  Knock Knock
Me:  Who’s there?
Phil:  Mac
Me:  Mac who?
Phil:  Mac Aroni.  Ha.  Hi Muh Lime Uh!!

Phil:  Hey Matt-Man?  What do you get when you put a likeable apparition into a toaster?
Me:  I have no idea.
Phil:  Casper the Friendly Toast!!  Ha.  Hi Muh Lime Uh!!

Oh…Dear…God…

Oh the dreams don’t die there folks…There’s more.

I was stripped naked and tied to a hemlock tree by Sarah Palin while her daughter threw Cheddar Bay Biscuits at me.  I kid you not!!

I dreamed I was riding through way ancient downtown Rome in a foot powered Paleolithic car driven by a caveman named Frederico Flinstonia, and all four tires were made of pizza.  It’s true!!

But?

I think the most disturbing bread-related dream I have had, occurred early Wednesday morning as I was beginning to awake.

I was on Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. There was no mechanical failure. There was no hijacking.  There was no terrorism.  We made it to our destination safely and without incident.

As we exited the plane, all but I, were thrilled to disembark and enjoy the stay on the vacation spot that all but me had had longed to visit. That destination, of which I speak?

The Sandwich Islands.

Mr. Sandman is indeed a cruel and unrelenting bastard, because even if I am in paradise...even Hawaii, but without bread?  Hawaii can suck it.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattmaniws
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Jayman's Bucket List

Hola dreamers! Since I’m still sick (I’m doing much better and feel pretty good, thanks for your concern) I don’t feel like do much writing and there really isn’t thing happening anyway.  On Monday I posted a list a dream interviewsfor the show. Today, I’m going to post my Bucket List.

1. Live near or right on the beach.  Preferably a beach side condo, but at really anywhere in a town that is on the beach would be great.

2. Eat a dinner in a really fancy "tie and jacket required" restaurant that is pretty famous.  Something like "Tavern on the Green" or "The Four Seasons."

3. Visit Israel.  I think this would be the most amazing trip ever.

4. Own a muscle car. One that wouldn’t be my every day car, but that I could hop in, roll down the windows, crank up the 80’s metal music and drive really fast around the back roads and have fun with.

5. Visit my family's ancestral home of County Armagh, Ireland.  And County Durham, England where they moved to before moving to the U.S.  And while there meeting some of my distant relatives.

6. Visit Civil War battlefields such as Gettysburg, Vicksburg and Manassas. And WWII battlefields in Europe too.

7. Read every book on the "Most Challenged Book List."

8. Attend an NHL, NFL and EPL game in person.  (I've already attended MLB and NBA games.)

9. Get a media pass to a major sporting event and be allowed to photograph it from field (or court) level.

10. Visit a Nevada brothel.  What? That would be a pretty unique experience!

11. Hike the Grand Canyon.

12. Drive across the country going from town to town in a Van that I can sleep in if I want.  Just seeing the sights and visiting famous places and roadside attractions and meeting people from all walks of life.

13. Anonymously purchase a new fire truck, ambulance or police car for a small town that is in need of one but doesn't have the money.

14. Visit New York City.  Stay in a nice hotel with great amenities, eat at Bobby Flay and Emeril Lagasse's restaurants and see all the sights and visit all the museums.

15. Learn to play either the piano or guitar. Then play on a street corner for donations.

16. Learn Spanish or French.

17. Live in a foreign country. Mexico, the U.K, the Netherlands, France or possibly Thailand. Not permanently, but maybe for a few years.

18.  Get paid to do something really cool and fun like ... IDK .. host an internet radio show maybe. haha

19. Buy my mother a nice condo that she is comfy living in.

20. Live in a house with a yard where I can have a garden and a dog.

21. Help someone build a house.

22. Sit down and have a conversation with a sitting President. Or play President Obama in a game of H.O.R.S.E. (Or even toss a baseball around with Pres Bush or toss a football around with Pres Clinton.)

23. Get something I wrote published and get paid for it. Doesn't really matter what or where or anything like that.

24. Scuba dive in a shark cage with sharks in the water.

25. Meet all of my blogging and twittering buddies.

26. Visit a nude beach.

27. Attend Oktoberfest in Munich.

28. Make a difference in someone's life.

29. Get a tattoo.

30. Spend at least a summer (3 months) living in a mountain cabin with no TV, no internet and no phone (except one for emergencies) just hiking, fishing, taking pictures, reading, writing and thinking.  And maybe going outside and yelling at the top of my lungs every once in a while. 

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A List of Dream Guests to Interview

Hola y’all! You know what IWS Radio needs? Guests! Interesting, funny and smart guests from all walks of life. Matt and I can talk for two hours easily and it’s fun doing different characters and correspondents, but a good guest talking about an interesting topic would be nice every once in a while too. So here’s a quick list of some of the people I think it would be cool to get on the show.

1. Someone or Anyone who lives in Forkhill, Northern Ireland which is where my one half of my mother’s side of the family came from.

2. An activist who is trying to get marijuana and/or medical marijuana legalized.

3. Someone who has survived a plane crash.

4. A big city cop.

5. Strippers. Lots and lots of strippers.

6. Prostitute, call girl or escort. (Males are okay but only if they're gay.)

7. Female Porn Star or any woman who works or has worked in the porn industry as writer, director, talent scout or crew member. (No men cause they’re always total freaking douche bags.)

8. Big city cab driver.

9. Someone who has worked as a strategist or advisor on senate or presidential campaign.

10. Psychics and Clairvoyants.

11. Someone who has worked as a personal assistant or driver for crazy celebrities.

12. Current or former NFL or NBA player or Olympic athlete.

13.  Stand-up comic or comic writer or sitcoms, movies or The Daily Show or Colbert Report type show.

14. Pope Francis.

15. Professional gambler.

16. Someone who won the lottery.

17. Writers

18. Someone who works or worked for a cable news channel.

19. Rock ‘n Roll bands, singers, roadies or groupies.

20. Natalie Portman.

21. Someone who has been on Jeopardy! (Or other TV game shows.)

22. Someone who has worked at adult theaters/bookstores with good stories of weirdoes.

23. Someone who has been or is a carny.

24. Alternative and holistic medicine experts.

25. Really anyone who is funny or interesting who can bring a few listeners and will actually promote their appearance on she show.  Oh, and answer the damn phone when we call.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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@Jayman_IWS

Speaking of IWS Radio we did a special Saturday show this week and it was nothing but charming down-home fun. Well that and a tech glitch that MIGHT have included some gentle cussing. Oh and Jay might have discussed his infection and trip to the doctor. Aaaaaand Matt discussed problems with the “Chip Guy.” On top of all that excitement Jamie called in and hung out with us and talked about celebrating Canada’s Thanksgiving Day today! Oh  ….. HAPPY THANKSGIVING DAY CANADA!! Anyway, check the show out:

Find Additional Comedy Podcasts with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

Jay's Margarita Dreams

Hola dream analyzers! It’s been a week full of really strange dreams for the Jayman. So weird that he’s referring to himself in third person. Jayman likes to call these really weird dreams “margarita dreams” but he’s sure that they have some deep meaning. So, Jayman is sharing his dreams you, his friends today.

Dream 1: Jay is waiting in line for something. He has no idea what though. Jay hates waiting in line. It’s probably Jay’s least favorite activity second only to getting kicked in the balls. Also waiting in line is some guy that Jay knows. Jay clearly doesn’t like this guy, but is being nice to him because they’re both stuck in line.

Anyway, as the day goes on and Jay becomes more and more impatient, he starts realizing that this acquaintance of his is one of the reasons the line isn’t moving. Jay tries to be patient but he finally can’t stand it anymore and tells the guy to quit messing around causing the line to not move. The guy then says “Dude. Just be patient. We’re having a good time down here and you’re ruining it. We’ll get there when we get there.”

So, Jay punched the guy’s lights out and the line moved right along with everyone stepping over his unconscious body.

Dream 2: Jay goes into the kitchen, probably to get a Pepsi, and notices that a weed of some kind is growing up through the floor! WTF?? Jay stares at this for a few minutes then goes to Google to find out what to do. Jay decides that the best course of action is to use some needle nose pliers to pull the weed out of the floor.

Well, when Jay starts pulling on the weed, the weed starts fighting back! It shakes and vibrates and then starts screaming! Finally Jay notices that the weed is bleeding! Then Jay gives the weed one more good yank and out it comes.

Jay then takes the bloody weed outside and tosses it into the yard. Almost immediately a HUGE mushroom grows right where the weed landed. Jay freaks the fuck out for a bit then goes over and pokes the mushroom with his needle nose pliers. The weed deflates and then disintegrates right there in front of Jay.

Jay then runs inside and checks the kitchen floor and finds that it’s in perfect condition. No hole where the weed was or any blood or anything on the floor. It’s like it never happened. Jay is a bit perplexed, but he’s more concerned with finally getting his Pepsi.

Dream3:  Jay and the Jaymom are at some swanky hotel in New York, and the Jaymom is NOT happy about something. So Jay gets on the phone and calls the Jaymom’s doctor and finds out that he just put her on some new meds and thinks they are reacting to other meds she’s taking. Jay asks the doc what to do and he says he’ll call in a prescription for something that will put the Jaymom to sleep and allow her to sleep it off.

But, the Jaymom is being soooooooooo mean to Jay and Jay can’t get her to cooperate at all. Even Jay’s sister comes by and gets yelled at so she just shrugs her shoulders and leaves Jay all alone with the Jaymom.

Finally, a hotel employee dissolves the new drugs in the Jaymom’s hot chocolate and takes it to her. The Jaymom is actually nice to this guy and comments on how it’s a “sad day when a stranger is nicer to her than her own son.” Then she fell asleep and I woke up.

Okay folks. Analyze that shit!

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

And You Think That You Have Had Some Wacky Dreams!?

As many of you know, I have been under the weather of late, not eating, and have been downing cold/sore throat pills by the gross, and sleeping…

A Lot!!

I bet that over the last 72 hours I have, and I’m not exaggerating, slept 48-50 hours, and…

When you combine the illness, along with the no food, the drugs, and the sleep, strange things are bound to happen, and strange things have happened to me, in the form of the unbelievable dreams I have had during this period of an over zealous sleep cycle.

Now dig it…

These crazy dreams began Sunday night, when I dreamt that Mitt Romney went on national TV, it may have been 60 Minutes, and declared to the nation that it was more than fair for him to pay a lower tax rate than a family making 50,000 a year because when rich people like him pay a lower rate, they invest, spur growth, and create jobs.

Ha, IKR!!?  Tell me that ain’t some whacked out Salvador Dali type of a dream.

I mean c’mon, you’d have to be a totally out of touch asshole and worthless Presidential candidate to say that on national TV.  Ha…I woke up to go the bathroom after that, and peed all the floor I was laughing so hard.

And Monday night?  Oh Dear God, Monday night I went to sleep for good at about 11:15.  The dreams I had between then, and 9:30 Monday morning.  You can’t make this shit up.

I was dreaming that I was officiating the Green Bay/Seattle football game.  I was standing in the end zone watching a scrum of players go up for a last second Hail Mary pass.  Not only did I miss a blatant offensive pass interference call, I ruled that the guy who didn’t actually catch the ball, actually did…and for a game winning TD no less.

Can you imagine the furor that would take place over something like that if it happened in an actual NFL game on Monday Night Football?  Oh My…I shudder to think.

Tuesday morning after waking, falling back to sleep, and evidently still thinking about the botched call dream from earlier, I had a dream about Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan.  It was pretty damn funny.

They were talking about how they were outraged by the replacement refs, and wanted the real, unionized refs back on the field officiating NFL games.

I got up to take a shower, and was chuckling the entire time thinking…

“Romney and Ryan calling for the return of Union employees? You’re losing your mind Mahoney; you’d better eat something.”

Well I still had no appetite, but I did get good news in the form that I didn’t have to go into work, so what did I do?  That’s right, I laid on the couch, and within a few minutes, was sound asleep and once again dreaming.

My first dream?  I dreamed that Schmoop came home early, with not only beer for her, but two Vitamin Waters for me, and then proceeded to pre-make dinner for me should I decide to eat later.  Ha!!  Yeah right, like that would ever happen!!

And then listen, no seriously, I actually had dream about this…it was so freaking surreal.

I had a somnolent vision of Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan standing before a crowd at the Dayton International Airport, and the crowd assembled begins chanting, “Ryan!! Ryan!! Ryan!!”

Ha!!  And only after Romney tells the crowd...

“No, No, It’s…Romney/Ryan!! Romney/Ryan!! Romney/Ryan!!” do they say, “Okay, whatever.”, and then chant softly, but politely, “Romney/Ryan.”

People often say that truth is stranger than fiction, but I’m telling you, truth would have to be pretty damn strange to top the dreams I have had the last few days.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS

My Porn Comedy Dream ...

One of the things that might come as a surprise to you is that I’m not a fan of porn.  It bores me.  I don’t find it exciting or anything.  I also actually think it does do more damage to society than most of its proponents are willing to admit.  Porn and MTV are probably the two worst things ever to happen to society. 

But, having said that, it has always been a dream of mine to write, direct and produce a pornographic movie.  Not star in one though. Nobody would watch that.  I have a few people in mind who I think would be great in one though! 

My idea for a great porn movie would be a smart comedy that just happens to be a porno.  It would have the standard girl/girl, girl/guy, guy/guy, blow job, masturbation and orgy scenes that all pornos are required to have. But, it would also be a funny movie with snappy dialog.  I think Gilmore Girls would have made a great porn comedy. 

What’s that? Oh, you’re kind of hung up on that “guy/guy” part. Okay, we’ll take that out if it makes you uncomfortable.  Hee hee … I said “hung.”  But, I do think the comedy idea is a very good one.  Maybe for my first movie I should just go with one girl/girl scene and one girl/guy scene. Put more of the focus on the dialog and superior direction and lighting compared to other porno movies.  Then, after some commercial success, I’ll expend into other genres. 

Anyhoodle, I decided that I need to make a list of the items I’ll need to make this first movie.

- A laptop to write and edit the movie on
- A camera to shoot with.
- Actors and actresses.
- Fruit roll ups and Red Bull for snack time.
- Lube. Lots and lots of lube.
- A room at Motel 6
- A can of Raid
- A Plastic Jesus
- Rubber sheets
- Baby oil
- A dog. What? Dogs are hilarious and always steal every scene they’re in.
- Condoms
- Enzyte. The natural male enhancement.
- Multiple lights and lamps
- A lawyer
- Candles
- Lots of towels and some soap.
- A Fluffer
- Toys
- Music
- A backup camera and extra tripod
- Kleenex and paper towels.

Okay, that’s all I can come up with for now. But, I think I can gather most of those items right here around the luxury estates in Redneckville. We don’t have a Motel 6, but we do have a Super 8 that is stuck in the 70’s.  If nothing else, I can use the Motel 6 up in Springfield. It’s a real dump, so it should be cheap. I think I’ll see if anyone who is part of the local community theater group would like to be in the movie. I think professional porn stars would be too difficult to deal with. And, I want to avoid dealing with a union.

I think I’m off to a pretty good start here. The most difficult thing will be to come up with a good title for the movie. Just like blog posts. 

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws