Matt: So, Bantu Claus, if that is your REAL name…Ha Ha…what be up n‘shit?
Bantu: Whatchoo mean, what be up n’shit? What the hell kinda vagary is dat?
Matt: Sorry…I was trying to speak your speak, and be all down with your sub-culture n’shit.
Bantu: Well stop it fool; you sound silly, and knock it off wif da “n’shit” shit. That sounds foolish, pedestrian, and lactose-intolerant.
Matt: Yes it doe---wha? Never mind…and I am sorry, but anyhow…Kwanzaa is known as the holiday of the first fruits; why is that?
Bantu: Hell, I don’t know. Some know-it-all black ass professor from UCLA came up with that. Wanted to give us black folk and our African heritage a reason for da season or sumthin. First fruits mah ass…Hell the only fruits in Africa is the grapefruit of hate and the apple of angst…
Matt: So ya think he should have called it something else?
Bantu: He should have referred to Kwanzaa as, first heartaches. Stupid tenyuhed-ass nigga!!
Matt: So do you, like Santa Claus, distribute gifts all over the world?
Bantu: I try, but it’s a little more difficult for me.
Matt: How so?
Bantu: See Matt-Man…Santa gots a sled powered by magic reindeer, and all I gots is a broken down ‘64 Buick Electra Deuce and a Quarter powered only by overpriced gasoline and an over powerful desire to gets out of my spoused-up crib one night a year, so I only do the forty-eight contigatory states.
Matt: Oh I thought Kwanzaaa was picking up in Canada as well. You don’t go there?
Bantu: Do you even know how much it costs to get a passport these days, whitebread?
Matt: Well, no, no I---
Bantu: Sheeeeeet…It would take me four weeks of dumpster diving for beer cans in YOUR dumpster to get one.
Matt: Wow, that’s a lot.
Bantu: “Wow that’s a lot.” Is that you all got to say boy? I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I’m just pissed.
Matt: Why? What’s wrong?
Bantu: Well, my brethren and sisteren claim to want presents that reflect our Africanicity, so I show up with dictators, mosquito nets, and toy boy soldiers.
Matt: And they don’t appreciate that that?
Bantu: Well Hell No…All they want is a six pack of Steel Reserve and a bleach blonde with a big ass.
Matt: So typical…and the bruthas probably only appreciate it for a minute.
Bantu: Damn right my friend, and that is why I brought you some 211's and a hot babe, because I know you will love on both for hours.
Matt: Holy Cow, brutha Bantu…It’s a Kwanzaa Miracle!!
Bantu: Word to your mutha, and Happy Kwanzaa, Matt-Man!!
Cheers!!
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
