Matt Said, Jay Said XLIV (Plus Schmoop!)

Matt pourparlers, Jay pourparlers, You écouter.

Matt: John Freaking Roberts
Jay: I guess he hates America.
Matt: Commie Bastard!
Jay: Helping the secret Muslim destroy this country!
Matt: It’s pretty hilarious though.
Jay: Comedy GOLD!
Matt: I only have one question about Obamacare.
Jay: Does it cover that burning sensation when you pee?
Matt: Okay, two questions.
Jay: What’s the other one?
Matt: Is it retroactive so it will cover past unpaid medical bills?
Jay: If that Fascist John Roberts has his way it will be!
Matt: That would be nice.

Matt: You know what you should do?
Jay: I’m afraid to ask.
Matt: You should marry .
Jay: Ummm … Why?
Matt: It would be good for you.
Jay: But, it wouldn’t be good for her.
Matt: Not true. And, you could also be daddy to her kids.
Jay: No. No. No. No I couldn’t.
Matt: You’d be a great dad.
Jay: Until I had to be responsible.
Matt: Here, talk to Schmoop for a minute.

Schmoop: Howdy!
Jay: Hola Schmoopalicious!
Schmoop: You don’t want to be daddy?
Jay: I can barely take care of myself.
Schmoop: And kids suck.
Jay: And I can’t even remember shit at the store. I’d forget to pick them up.
Schmoop: That’s true. Poor kids.
Jay: I’d be home, drinking beer and be like “Oh damn kids, I forgot, sorry.”
Schmoop: Kids are sensitive to that sort of thing.
Jay: IKR? Then I would try to make it up to them.
Schmoop: Trying to buy their love?
Jay: I’d be like “I didn’t mean to forget you. Here, come sit on New Daddy’s lap.”
Schmoop: Uhhhhh … MAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTT!

Matt: Huh, Schmoop just went straight to bed.
Jay: Must be sleepy.
Matt: I guess so. She looked a little disturbed.
Jay: I dunno.
Matt: I have a show topic.
Jay: What’s that?
Matt: Sunday is Canada Day!
Jay: Sweet! We can celebrate all the great Canadians!
Matt: Like Pamela Anderson!
Jay: Shania Twain!
Matt: Ellen Page!
Jay: Tom Green!
Matt: Ewwwww. You kinda ruined the whole thing.
Jay: Well, we can still celebrate Canada.
Matt: We can do it!
Jay: Alright, that was easy enough!
Matt: Another HUGE show coming up!
Jay: Yup. Okay then. I guess we’re set.
Matt: Yeah, I better go check on Schmoop.
Jay: I’m sure she’s fine.

So, there you go. Check out I’m With Stupid on Sunday for a very special “Oh Canada” episode. We’ll celebrate everything that is great about our good friends to the north!