MURICA: FUCK YEAH!!

This week we went on a patriotic little trip on IWS Radio. We wandered the internet superhighways and byways in search of America and we found it. America is inside of all of us. America is in our hearts and minds at all times, right next to Jesus.

It was a different kind of a show this week. Oh sure, it was funny as always. You get Matt-Man and Jayman in the same place and the laughter will be flowing like a river during the rainy season. Minus all the mud, litter and twigs that accumulate when rivers rise. You get the idea though, there were some funny moments. Mostly though I think you could sense the deep, unconditional love we both have for America.

After the usual witty banter we kicked things off with a beautiful rendition of The Star Spangled Banner by Buddy Acapella. From there we talked about what we love most about America, some of our favorite Americans and even people we would be willing to make honorary Americans.

There was some patriotic music during the show also. The song “You’re a Grand Old Flag” from Billy Murray in 1906 brought tears to Jayman’s eyes. Then we all sang along to “Yankee Doodle Dandy” but afterwards there was a discussion about how appropriate that song is for kids.

Slyder Balzcock, Mr Vague and even Senator John McCain joined us to celebrate American in their own way. Along with them we heard from Bobby Kraft, KleeShay Johnson and the Alarmist Weatherman scared the heck out of everyone who thought clear skies and sun wasn’t anything to worry about it.

Then Jamie Mapleleaf called in with some very important information about men’s health. Matt-Man and Jayman both took notes and pledged to do their best to follow her instructions. Schmoop also joined Jamie and Jay to talk about all the slicing and dicing going on at the Deli. Then we wrapped everything up with Matt and Jay’s favorite patriotic song of all time “This Land is Your Land” by Woody Guthrie.

Another EPIC episode of IWS Radio kids! Check it out! Or do you hate America????

                              

                                                

IWS Person of the Week...America's Founding Men and Women

We are mere days away from America's 238th Birthday, so let's kick off the week long build up by honoring some of the main players who helped give birth to THE United States of America by naming them out IWS Persons of the Week...

How can we not lead off our list by beginning with "The First American", Ben Franklin.  Ben knew it all, invented it all, and as far as the ladies go, he loved em' all...

Patrick Henry was a fiery orator famous for his "Give me liberty or give me death" line.  In spite of Matt-Man regretting his marriage while spending his honeymoon in Williamsburg, Va. at the Patrick Henry Inn, we include Patrick Henry because he was America's first badass...

John Adams was a co-writer of the Declaration of Independence and our second President, but he is more famous for being our first openly gay President.  In spite of his gayness and his wife Abigail being a lesbian, they managed to produce several children...

Men wanted to be him and women wanted to be with him.  Say hello to a man who was, Vice-President, Secretary of State, AND President...Thomas "Booty Call" Jefferson.  He opposed slavery yet owned many of them so in order to reconcile his person conundrum, he would frequently have sex with them...

Lastly...A nation can't be a nation without a flag to represent her nation-ness.  And for that reason we honor Betsy Ross who after an exhaustive sewing session, rested 'neath the timeless American banner she had created...

IWSRADIO.COM

Here's to all of the founders of this great nation, long may ye wave.

And kids...IWS Radio is kicking off America's birthday party LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET TODAY on Blog Talk Radio. So join Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio Players as they celebrate America.

You can catch all of the Independence Day and Brit Bashing hilarity by clicking right HERE.

Matt and Jay All-Americans

Matt’s rockets glare red, Jay’s bombs burst in mid-air, You swell with patriotic pride.

Matt: GOD BLESS AMERICA!
Jay: AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL!
Matt: I’M PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN!
Jay: Damn, you’re really fired up about Team USA and the World Cup!
Matt: The World Whatsittowhosit?
Jay: The World Cup! The big soccer tournament thingy down in Brazil.
Matt: I believe they call it “Futbol”
Jay: No, I’m pretty sure it’s Brazil.
Matt: Noooooo … They call “soccer” “futbol” in other countries.
Jay: Well who cares. This is AMERICA DAMMIT!
Matt: Good point. Soccer it is!!
Jay: Right! So, are you watching it?
Matt: Nooooooooooooooo
Jay: Me too.
Matt: No, I said I’m NOT watching it.
Jay: Right. Me too. I’m not watching it too.
Matt: But, you ARE watching it.
Jay: Exactly.
Matt: GO USA!
Jay: Woooooooooooo!! MURICA! FUCK YEAH!

Jay: Anyway …. Warm out today.
Matt: Yup. Warmer than yesterday.
Jay: Mmm-Hmm Gonna be even warmer tomorrow.
Matt: Could get dangerously hot soon.
Jay: People should be sure to take precautions.
Matt: Bring in old people and check on their pets.
Jay: Kirk Douglas should be on top of this.
Matt: Umm … about Kirk.
Jay: Did he retire?
Matt: Kind of. He died.
Jay: WHAT????
Matt: Kidding! He’s alive. More or less.
Jay: So he retired?
Matt: Yeah.
Jay: We need a new weather guy?
Matt: Maybe one who brings a little more energy?
Jay: And doesn’t slobber so much?
Matt: And doesn’t need his diaper changed every three hours?
Jay: I’ll check Craigslist.
Matt: Pick a few candidates and interview them.
Jay: On the casting couch?
Matt: Don’t get us sued though.
Jay: Damn.

Matt: You know what we should do?
Jay: Lay down the boogie and play that funky music ‘til we die?
Matt: Noooooooooooooooo
Jay: Feel the rhythm getting stronger and do the conga beat?
Matt: Oh hell no!
Jay: Then what?
Matt: Celebrate the 4^th of July this Sunday and take next week off.
Jay: That’s way better than get down, turn around, go to town, boot scoot boogie.
Matt: Ummm … Only slightly.  I do love to line dance.
Jay:  We could talk about our love for America!
Matt: And play some great patriotic music.
Jay: Talk about our favorite Americans
Matt: And make some foreigners honorary Americans.
Jay: Nice! Little known facts about American history?
Matt: That was my next suggestion!
Jay: We are an educational show.
Matt: Yes we are!
Jay: There’s tons of stuff we can do for this show.
Matt: Hell yes. OH! Don’t forget we can make fun of the British.
Jay: Boy can we do that!
Matt: We don’t really even need a special occasion for that.
Jay: I’m feeling incredibly patriotic right now.
Matt: My love for America is growing as we speak.
Jay: Ew
Matt: Yeah that was getting awkward.
Jay: Anyway, let’s celebrate America!
Matt: Let’s do IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!

Be sure to tune into “4th of July 2014: America’s238th Anniversary of Snubbing the Brits” on IWS Radio this Sunday at 12 Noon ET!

Cut the Crap...It's Time To Celebrate America!!

So, today begins a IWS celebration of our nation’s 238th year of independence.

As he was Ben Franklin’s press secretary, I tried to get Larry King to sit down with me for an eyewitness account of what went down during our nation’s birth.

Unfortunately, Larry King was tied up announcing his retirement from CNN...yet again, which he had done years ago..

Anyhoo, the Fourth of July is fast approaching…

A time to celebrate our country’s origins through backyard barbeques, illegal fireworks, and pissing in one’s own backyard while the burgers cook.

It’s a time for drinking too much beer, and getting a domestic violence assault charge leveled against you as a result of the wife not buying enough Johnsonville Brats.

It is also a time when normally motionless mannequins everywhere, shudder at the thought that they may be used in the latest fireworks safety video.

I do, so love America!!

I spent my day at work yesterday, thinking about something…The Declaration of Independence.

Jefferson, Franklin, and Adams (John, not Maud) were the main writers.

Jefferson did the draft. Penis envy laden Adams whined about being one-upped, and Franklin offered revisions while in a drunken, but brilliant stupor.

TJ originally had written that Americans should have, “Life, Liberty, and Property.”

Ben Franklin suggested the famous, “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.”

That suggestion was accepted after Jefferson initially shot down Franklin’s original idea of having the document read:

“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of air baths, rum, and drunken, buxom wenches between dusk and dawn.”

Ben rocked.

Another little known fact is that while Patrick Henry was not a signer of the Declaration of Independence, the stern, fire and brimstone orator and patriot, had offered up an alternative declaration to King George III.

It read as follows…

“Yo, G-Man, sally forth, and go fuck thyself, you wig wearin‘ bitch. You‘re no King. You‘re a Princess, you girly man, you.”

Sadly, it wasn’t adopted by the Second Continental Congress…Pussies.

Funny thing about Patrick Henry. His quote, “Give me liberty or give me death.” has been edited over the years.

His actual quote was, “Give me liberty, or give me death…and veal. Yeah, give me veal too. It’s so tender.”

Patrick Henry could help topple governments AND appreciate a fine meal. So American!!

It’s all about our independence, baby!!  And….USA advancing in the World Cup of Soccer, is the dessert of putting Piers Morgan and his self-aggrandizing brethren in their place.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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World Cup Hairstyles: What Do They Mean?

Holaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! If you’ve been watching the World Cup you have probably noticed that those boys are downright pretty! You might also notice that apparently this is also the World Cup of Hairstyles. If you’re like me, you noticed these things because there a lot of downtime while watching soccer. Viewers have spent a lot of time just sitting around waiting for the action to pick up. What do you do during that downtime? Interpret the hairstyles of some of the players …

Michael Bradley (U.S.A.): Bradley is sporting the Lex Luthor look. He is obviously very dangerous and not afraid to kill if he needs to. Judging by his defensive play in Team USA’s first two games, his apparent intended victim is his own team.

Neymar (Brazil): Neymar is sporting the Pretty Boy look. He’s clearly a superstar and his frosted tips let everyone know that they will have to chase after the groupies he rejects. There will also be a timeout each half so Neymar can do a photo shoot for GQ.

Bacary Sagna (France): Bacary is showing off the Venus Williams look. He reminds us that we all have a HUGE crush on Venus and never miss a chance to watch her play tennis with her purple, blonde or red braids. Bacary also masturbates to a pic of Venus every night before bed. Who can blame him?

Cristiano Ronaldo (Portugal): The Zoro! Ronaldo is one of the greatest soccer players on Earth and he clearly believes he is the only other person equal to the greatness that is Zoro! Some might think that he also is looking for his Elena. The truth is though, that “Z” carved in his hair is actually the calling card of “Zoro: The Gay Blade.”

Ikar Casillas (Spain): The “Hey! I don’t have a receding hairline at all” cut. Poor Ikar, people all over the world are tuning into the World Cup and shaking their heads at him. If he’s already desperately trying to hold onto his youth at 33, how bad is his midlife crisis going to be?

Sergi Aguero (Argentina): I could have a beautiful head of hair if I wanted to but I don’t. Obviously Sergi left that very thick wavy black hair on top of his head to let the ladies know that it’s okay to have kids with him. Your son won’t be going bald early like Ikar Casillas is. This is just his attempt at being noticed among all the great haircuts of the World Cup.

Guillermo Ochoa (Mexico): I’m too busy working on my game to bother with my hair look. Guillermo is a wild and crazy guy and his hair matches his attitude. He’s also very real and doesn’t pretend to be anything other than himself. Because of this he doesn’t put product in his hair or try to style it to conform to some ideal sexy World Cup guy look. Okay, he’s a hipster.

As you can see these guys are more than just great athletes competing at the highest levels of their chosen sport. They’re men of style and substance making their mark on the fashion world. Each is a trendsetter in his own way. I’ve heard that Cristiano Ronoldo’s hairstyle is already a HUGE hit in the Castro District of San Francisco. I’m sure other men around the world will be getting their hair done in the style of their favorite player too.

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I Don't Know You Well, But I'd Love To Slice your Meat

Salami Whore

When in the course of human events, some people get laid-off from their jobs.

Some people, in turn, take the unemployment time to reflect, better themselves, and find a job that fits them…until…the unemployment money runs out, and then, brutal reality sets in.

My BFF/PSGF Schmoop is one of them.

Here’s the thing about finding a job…

When push came to shove; when the monetary nose was to the grindstone; and when her sexy chips were down?

She, my friend Schmoop, found one.  Funny how that happens.

Seriously though?  She found work at a deli, and let me tell you, she will slice your meat, all the while with a smile upon her face, and food-safe gloves upon her hands.

When one such as Schmoop finds a deli job, one goes out of her way to maintain her pastrami cutting way of life.

However…

Let me caution you now…If you ask for three quarters of a pound of something, you may be rebuked by hearing my friend say…

“Could we make it a half-pound or a FULL pound, ya big pansy?  A three quarter pound thing is soooooo bisexual.”

She will take no prisoners and she will have none of your deli shenanigans when you say, “Could you put a quarter ounce of macaroni salad atop my pound of potato salad?”

The answer will always be…

“How about you take a number, and YOUR number is INFINITY!!”

Deli Queen

I am kidding of course, because…My friend Schmoop?

She loves people and I am excited that she is so damn happy to have a job.  I didn’t care if she ever worked again, because…

I would have left her for a woman who did.  I’m shallow like that, but anyhoo…

I am happy.  Schmoop is happy, and IWS Radio is very happy, because deli meat stories from Schmoop are gonna be comedy GOLD!!

And as Jay pointed out to me…

Just think of the buffet tray after the show…Unlimited olive loaf and macaroni salad; hell yeah...here I come!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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Let's Put the Fun Back in Funerals

Holaaaaaaaaa! I know what you’re wondering. You want to know what show I am watching now that I’ve finished with Dexter. Well, I’m glad you asked. I’m just started season three of “Six Feet Under.” It’s a show about a family that owns a funeral home, and yes, it has got me to thinking about my own mortality. However, I do want to make it perfectly clear that while I am not afraid of death, I am personally opposed to it.

I've known a few people who were obsessed with death and dying. In fact, they were more afraid of dying than anything else in the world, and not just because they knew that their families would find that stack of magazines and, you know, “stuff” they keep in a special box in their closets, either. Nor am I talking about those Goth freaks who walk around wearing black and put on makeup that makes them look like death warmed over all the time either. Some of those chicks are actually pretty hot. No, I'm talking about perfectly healthy people who actually sat around and worried about how and when they would die.

That’s pretty crazy, why would anyone worry about THAT? Once you’re gone you won’t be there to be embarrassed. You might as well just let your family and friends have fun with it. Same goes for your browser history. People will need a little comic relief at a time like that anyway. You know? Dying can be pretty funny if you think about it.

You know what else should be funny? Funerals.

When I was in college I had a professor of a team management class ask us to imagine our own funerals. It was a pretty depressing exercise for most of us. We all sat there thinking of a traditional funeral with huge crowds of mourners there bawling their eyes out. Everyone pretty much imagined the same thing. I think only a couple of us said we would do the cremation thing, and the rest of the class was evenly split on whether or not the casket will be open.

I gotta tell ya, since that time I’ve attended a few funeral and my views on how I would do mine have changed dramatically. The first thing was the realization that my funeral will NOT be a major social event. In fact, it would be very lightly attended. Well, IF I have one, that is. I doubt I will though.

Funerals are a huge racket. Why spend that kind of money? Just burn me, put me in a box and pour my ashes out along the cliffs overlooking the Pacific Ocean near Monterey California. That would be pretty nice. Or you could have my ashes blasted off into space. THAT would be pretty cool. I don’t think I would be happy with a burial at sea because I have had nightmares about being eaten by sharks, and that would suck. As for being put in a casket and being buried, I’m a bit claustrophobic and caskets cost more than a decent used SUV.

Instead of a big, fancy or formal funeral I just want everyone to go somewhere and have a few drinks and some laughs. Maybe have a wake at someone’s house and crank up the karaoke machine. Everyone can dedicate a song to my memory. Another good idea would be for people to get up and do a comedy routine. Have some fun with the whole thing. Make it a night no one will ever forget. Oh, and don’t forget the dancing girls either!

Oh hell, who am I kidding? I’m gonna die alone and my body won’t be discovered until my hillbilly neighbor complains to management about the smell coming from my apartment. Then my body will be sent to the state to have medical students practice on.

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IWS Radio...You Have Advice For Me? Really?

Jay, Matt Man, and the IWS players did a radio show yesterday.

No, it’s true.

KleeShay Johnson was there, and he was hanging out with the everyday thing.

Bobby Kraft did an interview with the one and only Ben Franklin…

Who tossed it over to Willie Gene and oh mercy, the shit was on.

Buddy Acapella had birthday shout outs to Roc, and our official IWS lounge singer, Jackie…how you doin’ Jaxxx?

And we talked about internet “experts” who don’t know their ass from their hole in the ground.

The Bag Man was there with misery loves company help for Rose drinkers…

And after our personal chastisement of all of these folks, Mr. Spock summed up everything that is awful about our world.

It wasn’t pretty, but it was awesome good, so give it a listen.

And give it a listen right here…

Insufferable Know it All Persons of the Week

This week's IWS Person(s) of the week are our favorite insufferable know-it-all characters from TV and movies!

Dr House M.D. played by Hugh Laurie ...

Roy Hinkley Jr. AKA: The Professor played by Russell Johnson

Hermione Granger played by Emma Watson

Tmperance Brennan played by Emily Deschanel

Sheldon Cooper played by Jim Parsons

Whew! That's a lot of smarts and a lot of people telling everyone how smart they are a correcting everyone all the time. Just like the people we'll be mocking on "Internet Expert and Know-it-Alls" on IWS Radio at 12 Noon ET!!

MSJS...I Got Your Expert Right HERE!!

Matt pontificates…Jay orates…You ask yourself, “Do they know what the hell they are talking about?”

Matt:  Jay?  Jay?  Jay?
(minutes pass)

Jay:  Hola.  GOD DAMN GOOGLE PHONE!!
Matt:  Hiya Chuckles.  Ow…oh the echo, echo echo echo.
Jay:  What the fuck?
Matt:  I don’t know what it is…what it is…what it is.
Jay:  There, I muted the host line.
Matt:  Better?
Jay:  Yes, much.

Matt:  Google phone screwed up again eh?
Jay:  I may have spoken prematurely…It was BTR’s fault.
Matt:  Fucking “Expert” Internet Radio Platform!!
Jay:  Oh yeah, they know everything about internet radio.
Matt:  Slackers.

Jay:  Y’know Matt…There are a lot of  self-proclaimed “experts” on Facebook, Twitter, TV, radio, etc.
Matt:  Oh Dear God…More than a handful…more like…A BILLION!!
Jay:  It’s annoying, depressing, but most of all…
Matt:  Funnier than shit!!
Jay:  Ha.  I know right?  Let’s make fun of, er, I mean celebrate, the “experts” this week,
Matt:  Excellent call.  We could start with Facebook advice givers who care about everybody.
Jay:  Oh dear God…What they’re really doing most of the time is chiding others.
Matt:  Who else?

Jay:  Dr. Oz…Dr. Phil…Soccer “experts” who come out of the closet every four years for the World Cup.
Matt:  Foreign relations/military experts who have never been a diplomat nor in the military.
Jay:  The next door neighbor who knows what Kenyans look like…and knows they look a lot like Obama.
Matt:  So many phony experts to berate  like Jenny McCarthy, and so little time.

Jay:  We’ll show them expertise alright.
Matt:  Damn right, and Jayman…We can talk about the Great Velveeta Recall of 2014.
Jay:  You and Schmoop must be beside yourselves.
Matt:  M’eh…we’ll talk about it.
Jay:  Oh and Matt-Man…The Fashion Center Mall in Redneckville is dead. We could buy it and make it our new headquarters!!
Matt:  We should DEFINITELY talk about that.

Jay:  Man…That’s a lot of quality entertainment at a fair price to cover.
Matt:  It sure as hell is.
Jay:  Oh and I almost forgot.  Bobby Kraft will be interviewing Ben Franklin LIVE on Sunday’s show.
Matt:  Get outta here!!
Jay:  It’s true!!
Matt:  Jesus Christ…How do we manage to provide this much entertainment week in and week out?
Jay:  I’ll tell you how.
Matt:  How?

Jay:  Well…Four out of five internet experts agree…IWS Radio is the funniest God Damn show on BTR.
Matt:  And who can argue with that?
Jay:  Well…WE will…this Sunday during the, Internet Experts and Know It Alls episode of IWS Radio.

Matt:  Can’t wait Jayman.
Jay:  Me neither.  Now…Let’s Do Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!

To catch IWS Radio LIVE this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET, click HERE.

R.I.P. The Saddest Mall in America

Holaaaaaaaaa! Ladies and Gentlemen we gather here today to remember the Saddest Mall in America. At one time the Fashion Center Mall in Redneckville, Arkansas was a pretty nice little small town mall. There was a Penny’s, an Alco, a few locally owned clothing stores, a Maurices, a Goody’s a Hastings Records and Books, a Mall Twin Movie Theater, Betty’s Hair Salon, a children’s clothing store and Ye Old Ice Cream Parlor.

Over the last decade or so though, stores began leaving the mall. Some store owners simply retired and closed down. Others just weren’t profitable enough and became victims of corporate downsizing. As stores moved out, there just wasn’t anyone waiting to move in. So stores started papering over their windows and the mall got sadder and sadder over time. Anyone who ever read my old blog will remember that I declared The Fashion Center Mall “The Saddest Mall in America.” Here’s a little video I shot from inside the mall a few years ago…

                              

Well, now that mall is all locked up. The Penny’s is still there, located in the very front of the building so the only entrance to the store is from the front parking lot. Over on the north side of the building you can still find Little Caesar’s Pizza, the barber shop I frequent and the Shelter Insurance office that has been there since I was a little kid. Those are all accessed from the north parking lot though. All of the interior stores (as of five years ago I think there were only four left) are gone.  

Worst of all it’s no longer open for mall walkers. I don’t know where all the old people are going to go now to get their walking done. Oh sure, they could go walk around the lake, but it’s very hot and humid here in the summer. Walking inside the mall is a much nicer experience. The A/C helps keep people from overheating and the benches and water fountains allow people the chance to take a little break and sit and shoot the breeze for a couple of minutes before finishing their walk. Management appears to have no intention of reopening or doing anything to recruit new tenants.

Goodbye sad little mall. You will be missed.

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2014 Summer Horoscope with Lana Jouray

Hello guys and dolls...Astrologer to the famous international internet radio stars Lana Jouray here, and Summer 2014 officially begins this Saturday so…

Let’s hop aboard my sexy and neatly trimmed astral plane and see what the stars are cooking up for you during the hotness of Summer of 2014.

Aries (March 21-April 20)

While two lesser charges against you are dropped, your plea of “not guilty by reason of having been served cold fries” falls upon deaf ears as the jury finds you guilty of gunning down a cashier, a cook, and the manager at your local McDonald’s.

Taurus (April 21-May 21)

You have always, and literally, lived by the rule, “a penny saved is a penny earned”; however, after eight years, your financial planner is finally going to kick your ass for bringing him so many God Damned Pennies!!

Gemini (May 22-June 21)

You always expected, anticipated, and ultimately knew that some day you would rise to the top, but you never foresaw that it would be the result of falling into a giant vat of flour and yeast while touring a state-of-the-art bakery in Helsinki.

Cancer (June 22-July 23)

The euphoria you feel in late May after being elected President of Belize is quickly replaced by the fear and gunshot wounds you experience during the military coup that transpires in August.

Leo (July 24-August 23)

After years of sobriety you fall off the wagon.  The most unfortunate thing about this, is that you will fall off the wagon while drunkenly parking it atop the Empire State Building.

Virgo (August 24-September 23)

Remaining true to your astrological sign of the virgin, you will not get laid at any point during the entire year.

Libra (September 24-October 23)

Your career in journalism comes to an abrupt end when you realize that after ten years of tossing newspapers from your bike to the doors of thousands of avid readers, your rotator cuff is just…plain…shot.

Scorpio (October 24-November 22)

Scorpios are very proud and bold people, that is why you will continue to walk down Main Street everyday naked.  Of course…being the Chief of Police of Nudetown, makes it okay.

Sagittarius (November 23-December 22)

You will find that developing a self-induced, life-threatening disease is a good way to get people to pay attention to you to the otherwise fun-filled days of summer, but only for this summer…and this summer only.

Capricorn (December 23-January 20)

You are forever shamed when your Home Owners Association strips you of the, “Home of the Year” award after discovering that you used performance enhancing rugs.

Aquarius (January 21-February 19)

You’ll soon discover that “livin’ in a van down by the river” isn’t all that bad…provided it’s summertime and the catfish are biting.

Pisces (February 20- March 20)

You will feel vindicated when Rep. Michele Bachmann’s husband Marcus, finally comes out of the closet and confirms his gayness of which you suspected. Unfortunately, you will also be very disturbed when you see that it is your closet out of which he comes.

Happy Summer of 2014 Everyone!!

May the stars shine down upon you,

Lana Jouray

Last Words of Famous People

Holaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Every once in a while I run across an article about famous last words of famous people and I click the link every single time. I find stuff like that fascinating and just love it. I don’t really do much to find out if it’s true or not cause that would ruin the fun. Some of my favorites are…

Humphrey Bogart: I never should have switched from Scotch to martinis.

Dylan Thomas: I’ve had 18 straight whiskies. I think that’s the record!

Groucho Marx: Die, my dear? Why, that’s the last thing I’ll do!

Oscar Wilde: This wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. Either it goes or I do.

Those are just some of the better known last words. I had my staff here at IWS World Media Entertainment do some digging and we came up some of the lesser known last words of famous people…

Lincoln: Hey, did anyone lock the door to the booth?

Dillinger: Ow! … Ow! … Ow! … Ow!

Steve Irwin (The Crocodile Hunter): CRIKEY!

David Carradine: Harder baby! Harder!

Julius Caesar: Hey now! Ow! Stop! That hurts! Shit! What the fuck! Ow! Seriously! That hurts guys! Not there! Ow! Ow! Damn! Ow! Ow! Et tu, Brute?

Isadora Duncan: What a lovely day for a drive! And my scarf looks so good on me flying in the bree…

Tim Russert: My moron son Luke will get a cushy media job over my dead body!

Rasputin: *After being poisoned, shot several times and beaten with a club and then finally tossed off a bridge into the icy Malaya Nevka River* “IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?!”

William McKinley: What the hell kind of name is Czolgosz? 

Robert F. Kennedy: Ow

Grace Kelley: Time to play Grand Prix of Monaco!

Vince Foster: Hillary? What are you doing here?

Jimmy Bob Pemberton (Local Celebrity): Hold my beer and watch this.

Doesn’t get any more fascinating than that, does it kids? Damn, history is fun!

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Best Friends

Cheeeeeeeeers all, and welcome to the week of Matt-Man being nothing but positive!!

I have recently had a run of days shrouded in grumpiness and negativity, but this week…I’m going to be all positive, all the time.. That’s Right!!

So I shall begin my week of writing on IWS with something positive, and let me tell you…It is sometimes hard for me to write positive stories, so I thought I’d begin with a topic that nearly almost usually makes me happy.

My best friend…my BFF…my PSG…The one and only, Schmoop!!

Schmoopalicious, as Jayman coined her years ago, is currently wading through murky pools of uncertainty and self-loathing because she was laid-off a few months back and has yet to secure a job.

She’s down on herself and feels she contributes nothing to society nor to the typically happy home in which we reside.  But you know what?  Schmoop contributes much more than she thinks she does.

For instance…When she got laid-off, I weighed around 185 pounds.  And now?  I am pushing 200 pounds because instead of me typically eating a can of soup for lunch before work, Schmoop makes a ginormous lunch for me. Oh yeah!!

Chicken nuggets, onion rings, burgers, omelets, grilled cheese (mmmmmmm grilled cheese)…I bet Schmoop has been sending me off to work everyday for the past 26 weeks with 800 calories in my stomach.

The chick makes a great lunch, and she is always happy to do it, because…well…we are best friends.

She also does my laundry, because…well…we are best friends.

And dig it folks, yesterday morning, we both woke up around the same time.  I was late getting to my computer stuff that I do every morning as far as posting the IWS website post to Facebook, checking our numbers, my email, and whatever, because for the first sixty minutes of Monday morning?

We just hung out and made fun of FOX News and MSNBC, harangued about how many commercials air, and listened to some of Sunday’s IWS Radio audio files.  We unknowingly spent an hour cutting up and sarcastically yet lovingly, making fun of our cat Corky.

It…was…nice, because...It demonstrated our Best Friend....Ness.

In the moment as it is, Schmoop has some self-doubt, but she should never doubt herself about this…

I do have one regret about Schmoop, and no it’s not her lack of a job, her hatred of Tammy Tibbles, or even her inability to not worry over silly shit.

My only regret involving Schmoop is that I didn't meet her 20 years earlier.

Schmoop?  Even in your current “transitional” condition, you contribute something to society everyday.  You make me smile.  There is a cat who adores you, and in spite of your failed attempts to show no emotion, you make the world a better place.

Good luck on your job interview today, but if you don’t get it, and your unemployment benefits are extended…from now on when you make my lunch, could you work some salads into my menu?

Love You Schmoop!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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Daddy Issues and HAWT Babes

Jay made a happy discovery about his food safe gloves.

Matt shared a couple of great Beer Mine stories about Boris and some stupid dad who is obviously going to be an enabler for his over-privileged entitled kid.

Slyder Ballscock covered the U.S. Open, World Cup and NBA Finals as only Slyder can.

Jay told about a couple of Slyderisms he heard this week from other sportscasters and a Facebook post.

Jay gave a little history lesson about Father’s Day started by ARKANSAS’ OWN Sonora Scott Dodd!

IWS World News broke the very unfortunate news of Casey Kasem’s passing and played a tribute to him.

Jay gave a shout out to his new friend on Twitter, Ken Caillat the father of the gorgeous and super talented Coblie Caillat.

Aunt Jackie rocked the house with her rendition of “Time of the Season”

Jay used the show as therapy to talk about the very complicated relationship he had with his dad.

Matt bragged about what a great guy HIS dad was and rubbed it in.

Ma Tibbles did her best to make things better.

Rev. Richard Moneymaker gave a very sad sermon.

Rick Perry advertised his new chain of GayHab Centers.

Then things got HAWT and wild as the uber lovely and wonderful Warrior Kat AND our favorite hot, sexy, hung over Jewess Sweet Pea both called in and put a smile on everyone’s face!!

Definitely give this one a listen! 

                           

                                     

IWS Person of the Week...Great Fathers Throughout History

Today of course is Father's Day, a day to celebrate the patriarchal love that dads all across this country have for their children.  Today, IWS Radio honors some of the greatest dads throughout history as our Persons of the Week...

It is said that while Rome burned Emperor Nero played the fiddle, well...centuries prior to that while the town of Sodom burned, Lot and his daughters had a wine filled toga party in a cave and generated some heat, not to mention babies of their own.  Lot had a whole Lot-ta love for his daughters...

Der Bingle...The Bingster...Here's crooner and swooner Bing Crosby with his wife and three boys Lindsay, Dennis, and Gary.  Bing was a tough love kind of dad.  Sometimes that tough but loving paternal hand leads to the building of character in children, sometimes it leads to a future factor in one's suicide...

Marvin Gay(e), Sr....Sometimes a parent can love too much.  Such was the case with Rev. Marvin Gay as on April 1, 1984 he shot his son Marvin Gaye to death. Fortunately for Daddy Gaye, he received no prison time, for he would have been faced with more sexual healing than a man of his crime and last name could endure...

Woody Allen...the man, the myth, uber-talented living legend, is a man whose love knows no bounds nor socially acceptable mores.  So, Woody is living with Mia Farrow.  Mia has an adopted daughter named Soon-Yi.  Mia and Woody hit the skids, so to make up for he guilt over a broken relationship, Woody 56, marries Soon-Yi who is 21 in order to bring some continuity to the break-up transition.  Lesser men would have simply walked away leaving all to wallow in a puddle of tears and heartache...  

Hillsboro, Ohio's very own Ed Blintz knows that it is never to early to teach one's daughter culinary skills, and as a dutiful and loving father, he puts little Tessa's feet to the fire early and often... 

Here's to these great fathers and all of the wonderful dads out there.  May your Father's Day be full of beer, brats on the grill, and ice cold beer!!

Annnnnnnd all you dads and everyone out there...Be sure to catch IWS Radio LIVE today from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.

Jay, Matt, Ben Franklin, Bobby Kraft, Rev. Moneymaker, Ma Tibbles, Slyder Balzcock, Schmoop, Miss Mapleleaf, and the smokin' hot Aunt Jax will be celebrating Father's Day with our Dads, Sweat, and Tears episode of IWS Radio.

You can join us LIVE today by clicking HERE. 

The World Cup of MSJS ...

Matt snarks, Jay quips, You yawn. 

Matt: Cheers!
Jay: Hola!
Matt: How the hell are ya?
Jay: Wonderful.
Matt: That’s good to hear.
Jay: Are we doing this or do you want to point out how awful I am too?
Matt: Hey-OOOOO! Good one.
Jay: I’m sensing some sarcasm there.
Matt: Oh nooooooo … Totally sincere Hey-O there.
Jay: I don’t know man.
Matt: Well you’ll have to take my word for it.
Jay: Okay then. I guess I will.
Matt: Good.
Jay: Anyway, do you feel better now that you got that out of your system?
Matt: I feel fucking fantastic!
Jay: Well alrighty then.
Matt: Are you over whatever the hell crawled up your ass?
Jay: Oh sure.
Matt: Okay then.

Jay: Watching the World Cup?
Matt: Yeah man, I’m hanging on every bicycle kick and header.
Jay: Damn.
Matt: What?
Jay: I’m sensing sarcasm again.
Matt: Maybe your Sarcasm Radar is jammed.
Jay: I guess the NSA is jamming it.
Matt: Maybe, or … Didn’t you follow the CIA on Twitter?
Jay: Yeah, but I unfollowed them cause they tweet way too much.
Matt: Oh, well it’s probably the NSA then.
Jay: Actually, I think it’s the Mossad.
Matt: I guess you found out how many restraining orders from Jewish babes it takes to get their attention.
Jay: More than you would expect.
Matt: And yet, not as many as it should be.

Jay: Hey! Father’s Day is Sunday!
Matt: Gonna be a looooooooong day.
Jay: Rivers of tears will be shed.
Matt: And that’s just from you, Schmoop and me!
Jay: Hey-OOOOOOOOOO
Matt: This week’s show might be more of a therapy session.
Jay: We probably need one.
Matt: No I’m fine. I was talking about you.
Jay: HA! Oh that was a good one!
Matt: Now MY Sarcasm Radar is going off.
Jay: Probably just a U-2 Spy Plane flying over.
Matt: Or one of the UN’s black helicopters!
Jay: Oh damn. It could be a drone! Obama might be monitoring you himself.
Matt: That’s a bit far-fetched.
Jay: True. Anyway, Father’s Day.
Matt: A special show for a special day.
Jay: Bobby Kraft interviewing Ben Franklin!
Matt: Totally improved interview.
Jay: Live on digital recording.
Matt: And … other stuff.
Jay: Yeah, we’ll figure it out.
Matt: Okay, sounds good.
Jay: Let’s do this!

Be sure to tune into “Dad, Sweat and Tears” on IWS Radio Sunday at 12 Noon ET! If you don’t then you hate daddies and American!

Some Coloradans Are Just Not NIce

Let me ask you all a question.  When you see this woman, what is the first thought that pops into your head?

When I saw a picture of this woman, I thought, “She is digging her Shoney’s.”

But then…

Miss Someone said to the effect, “She is a bib wearing woman who is probably sane and happy.”

When I first saw this picture I went…Eh?  And then when I read Miss Someone’s quote, I said to myself and I acutely and accurately paraphrase here…

“What the hell is wrong with the picture of a chick trying to stay clean?”

And…I asked and commented as to the same on Miss Someone’s FB page stating that I don’t see anything wrong with the chick’s bib look.

Her reply…

“Maybe YOU don’t.”  (Capitalized on Miss Someone's Part.)

This RAGING and rapacious retort came courtesy of some ego-centric chick in Colorado.  COLORADO!! Listen…

If this “hemp-approved” chick wants to give some average woman chick crap about wearing a bib in a restaurant because it’s, “not we do in pot-smoking Colorado” she can go fuck herself, and half of America too can go fuck itself too.

See, honey?  Some of the finest and seemingly well-bred folks have become a caricature of the average American, you included.

While you are a somewhat pleasant looking woman, you are unpleasant in general, and lack the grace to think about others…outside of that, you are fine human being and can delight in the joy of the hemp industry
.

And don’t get me wrong…

There are many of you progressives and libertarians out there, that are annoyed by common people who don’t fill your cup of Starbucks lifestyle.  I mean, you love folks who shop at Target, Wal*Mart, and Kroger, but…you just don’t want to be associated with them on a personal level.

Yes…I know that sometimes you go to Target, but when you are done, it was always because of an emergency, and you feel the need to explain your venture to such a pedestrian shopping outlet on Facebook.

That’s fine, but let me tell ya…When you go to Target; Target posts the following on Facebook…

“That condescending, holier-than-thou bitch was here again, and after she made fun of Mabel with her bib on, we charged her triple for her Depends.”

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
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